What to Do If Your Child Says, “I Wish I Was Dead”
Children sometimes have a tendency to be dramatic. Hyperboles like: “I’m starving!” or “You are the worst mom in the world!” often released. But one of the most disturbing statements you may hear from your child is, “I wish I was dead.” Even if you don’t think they mean it, it can be scary to hear your favorite little person say something so destructive about themselves. You might want to ignore it or tell them not to say it that way, but a couple of experts I’ve talked to—a counselor who specializes in youth suicide prevention and a pediatrician—say you should always pay attention to it statement.
Why do children say they want to die?
Your child lives life in extremes: it’s the best day or the worst. If someone took his toy or insulted him, it would be like the end of the world. They tend to express their strong feelings broadly because they do not yet have the tools to express complex emotions. “In these moments, strong emotions such as anger, sadness and frustration can become overwhelming in children, and they may not have the vocabulary or emotional coping skills to express them accurately. Saying, “I wish I was dead,” is a way of shouting, “This hurts so much, I can’t stand it!” says Dr. Daniel Ganjian , a board-certified pediatrician at Providence Saint John Health Center in Santa Monica. California. Saying the last thing on their mind, that they want to die, is their way of expressing their need.
Children for the most part do not understand what it means to die the way adults do. “Young children don’t fully grasp the concept of death and permanence, but rather view it as falling asleep, going away,” so saying they want to be dead “doesn’t necessarily mean intending to harm themselves, but it is a way of expressing how bad something feels.” person in that moment,” says Maureen Brogan , a licensed professional counselor who specializes in youth suicide prevention. Instead, children imitate what they have heard others say during stressful moments. “Children may pick up the phrase from the media, from friends, or even hear adults say it casually,” Ganjian says. However, both experts say that if your child says they want to die or wish they were dead, you shouldn’t ignore it.
What to tell your child
If you believe your child is exaggerating and has no plans or serious thoughts about self-harm, you still shouldn’t leave a comment like “I wish I was dead” without talking. Ganjian says, “Here’s the key: Even if you suspect exaggeration, take ALL claims seriously.” In this scenario, there are several steps you need to take.
Brogan suggests that “as an adult you trust, you want to be open-minded and compassionate.” Even if they don’t feel as empty as they say, still treat their comments as valid. Here are some examples of what both experts have to say that you can use as you go through this with your child.
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Observe: “You seem very upset” or “Your face tells me you feel frustrated and angry.”
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Let them communicate: “Can you tell me what is happening now?” or “I’m here to listen to you.”
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Acknowledge and affirm: “This must be very difficult,” or “I understand how frustrating this is,” or “It’s okay to feel this way. Sometimes things can feel really overwhelming.”
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Support: “You are not alone in this.” “Your feelings are important to me.”
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Look at past successes: “What have you done in the past that helped you overcome that bad feeling?”
Moving from step to step helps your child feel listened to and loved, even when they feel bad. Brogan says focusing on times when they’ve experienced negative feelings in the past helps build resilience. Ganjian says, “By staying calm, actively listening, and being supportive, you can help them get through difficult times and build stronger communication in the future.” Resilient children can cope with difficult situations with less adult interference and less internal pain. Additionally, Brogan says this approach “helps get to the possible root of where the overwhelming feelings are coming from.” Once you understand what’s really going on, you can solve the problem together.
When to worry
Although suicidality in young children is rare, it does happen, and you should certainly look out for signs that your child’s statements indicate actual self-harm. Brogan says, “As a caretaker, you always expect changes in behavior, especially if they are sudden or drastic.”
Ganjian says some warning signs include:
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Changes in behavior or mood (withdrawal, loss of interest, increased risk taking)
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Talk or write about death or suicide
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Distribution of valuables
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Saying goodbye to loved ones
He says, “If you notice any of these, even if it is an exaggerated claim, seek professional help immediately.” Talk to your pediatrician or psychiatrist. Brogan adds: “You can also ask if they have a plan for how they will die. (Remember that research has shown that asking suicide does NOT trigger this idea.) If there is a plan, you want to limit access to funds, create a safety plan, and seek additional professional support.”
If you don’t have immediate access to your healthcare provider or are worried about imminent harm, visit the Crisis Text line , call 988 or visit their website for immediate support.
Both experts emphasize that staying connected with your child is more important than anything you say or do. “Connection is protection,” Brogan says. “We want young kids to have those connections.” Connecting with your child when they are experiencing big feelings is what will help them feel safe and loved. “Here’s the most important part,” says Ganjian. “Understand that the opposite of depression is not happiness. The opposite of depression is connection.” Spending time with your child during both happy and difficult times, and focusing on positive interactions in both scenarios, will help your child maintain a healthy state of mind and make good decisions in the future.