How to Improve Your Sex Life in the New Year
If you want to strengthen intimacy with your partner, the new year is a great time to reconsider old habits and develop new ones. You’ve decided to do so much for yourself, so why not spend this year working together for fun? It may seem a little awkward, but it’s actually a great way to start the new year with a bang.
Talking with your partner about solutions
First, you’ll need to set aside some time to talk with your partner about what has worked in the bedroom this year and what hasn’t. It’s important to evaluate both of your needs before structuring the resolutions themselves. Set aside time to do this together, perhaps after dinner or while you’re making plans for New Year’s Eve. Go into the conversation ready to say what you need, but also ready to listen to what he needs.
“I encourage couples to embrace hope in the new year,” says Dr. Laurie Davis , a board-certified clinical sexologist in New York City. This is a positive start. Instead of viewing joint resolutions as a way to heal grievances, be positive about all the wonderful sexual experiences and intimacy you may have in the new year. As Davis says, “You can change your sex life and find more pleasure, ease and intimacy.”
She recommends deciding to become “an erotic team that’s intentional about creating a sex life that works for both of you,” so ask yourself and your partner what that looks like and how you’re already doing it in other parts of your life. .
Dr. Donna Oriovo , a sex therapist who focuses on “purposeful pleasure planning,” adds that you both need to clarify and define what you mean by sexual intimacy before planning any decisions around it: “Make sure you know what Having meaning in defining terms means you both understand what is meant when you use a word, and it creates more opportunities for personal success.”
Common Sexual Resolutions That Will Inspire You
Oriowo says she sees couples deciding to increase their sexual intimacy, as well as add more variety. Davis agrees, noting that she sees couples planning to have more sex, which is good because it “shows how much both partners value their sex life together.”
Obviously, wanting to have more sex is a common theme, but to do this, Davis suggests figuring out why you haven’t done it yet. Is this a temporary commitment? Lack of energy? Lack of attractiveness? Getting to the root causes and adjusting your decisions around them will be more helpful than just throwing out the blanket statement of “have more sex.” Oriovo says this needs to be done very specifically: quantify your desires. Instead of saying you want to have more sex, suggest your desired number of times per week. Having a more structured solution will help you stay on track.
Let’s look at some similar resolutions:
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Decide to explore a new fantasy for each partner once a month.
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Decide to visit a sex toy store quarterly and make purchases that interest you.
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Decide to have sex in a new place (even close to home) twice a month.
However, remember: sex should be fun. It’s okay if you deviate a little from this list along the way. It is very important to enjoy it.
Also, if you’re stuck, try what Davis calls a “yes/no/maybe list” or a list of “possible intimate activities where you can think about things you might want to do but might never think about it and what would be nice.” in the right context.” Find a mutual “yes” or “maybe” and move on.
Stick to sexual decisions
To ensure these decisions don’t fall on deaf ears, Oriovo suggests writing down your decisions and checking your progress. A journal can be kept together or separately and then shared, but it should reflect how you feel, what you want more of, what you want less of, and how you are moving forward towards the goal of greater intimacy and connection. .
“Remember that it’s actually quite expected to deviate from your intended path,” says Davis. “Give yourself and your partner some grace and compassion. Working on your sex life can bring up a lot of feelings, and of course, life always gets in the way of our need for relaxation and connection.”
Most importantly, if you’re not in the mood to have sex, don’t force it. It is completely normal for libido to change and alternate for various reasons. Both doctors advise setting reminders in your calendar to check in with each other. This is the key point. Orivo suggests doing this weekly, and Davis says you can even try once a month. No matter how often you check in, make sure you return to your original list of resolutions and your intimacy journal, reflecting on what worked and what didn’t, and adjusting the plan as needed.
“If you’ve lost your way, admit it,” Oriowo says. “Talk about what’s stopping you and how you want things to go back to normal.”