Sensual Focus Can Help You Restore Your Sex Life
If you have a low sex drive, lack concentration when you ‘re doing it, or feel sad or bored when it’s time to do something, you may want to consider using something called “sensual focusing” – a technique recommended by couples and sex therapists to reconnect with your body and your partner.
What is sensory focus?
Couples and sex therapist Dr. Lee Phillips once worked with a couple who had recently had a baby. The mother lost her sex drive, which led to conflict with her partner. Phillips introduced the couple to the feeling of focus by asking them to mindfully touch each other and simply notice the sensations without any purpose.
Phillips advised the couple to “focus on temperature, pressure and texture” when they touch each other, encouraging them to especially notice little things like this: “Are your partner’s hands cold or hot? What do you prefer? What is pressure? Is it hard or soft? What do you like? In terms of texture, are your partner’s hands smooth or rough? After doing this and similar exercises and discussing them in therapy, the couple went from not having sex to having sex about once a week. “Sensual focus lowered blood pressure” and helped the couple “explore parts of their bodies that brought them pleasure,” Phillips says.
This technique was first developed by sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1960s with the goal of helping couples who were struggling in the bedroom connect intimately without the pressure to become aroused, orgasm, or have intercourse. Many studies support its effectiveness , and according to sexologist and marriage and family therapist Marissa Nelson , many sex therapists prescribe sensual focus to treat a variety of sexual problems, from low desire to premature and delayed ejaculation.
The technique involves a series of tasks that couples do at home and then discuss with a therapist. “The goal is to tune into your body and really understand what your needs are so you can better communicate those to your partner,” Nelson says. The goal is also to reduce performance anxiety by shifting the focus to pleasure, she adds, since “you can’t pay attention to your pleasure and your anxiety at the same time.”
Explanation of sensory focusing exercises
The sensory focusing technique consists of a series of home exercises. According to Rhiannon John, a sexologist at BedBible , the first exercise involves both partners being clothed and focusing on non-genital touching. Each person takes turns touching their partner for their own pleasure, without trying to arouse him. “This step is critical to building trust, comfort, and reconnecting with your body,” says John. “The focus here is on the sensations being felt and giving your partner feedback about what feels good and comfortable.”
Once a couple has mastered this first exercise, they can move on to genital touching for the next one. Even so, it is important not to seek sexual arousal or intercourse. “The main goal here is to get to know your partner’s body and, importantly, be open about your preferences and boundaries,” says John. “This stage promotes a deeper understanding of your partner’s body and can promote feelings of vulnerability and intimacy.”
There are five stages in total , the following are mutual touching (when both people touch each other at the same time, and not in turn), genital-to-genital touching and penetration. Throughout these stages, “the focus remains on mindfulness, open communication, and pleasure rather than achieving a specific sexual goal or orgasm,” John says.
How to try sensory focusing yourself
Nelson recommends exploring feeling focusing with the guidance of a therapist because it can bring up conflicts or difficult emotions that need to be processed. Relationship and sex therapist Dr Viviana Coles agrees that couples “need to have guidance to make sure the emotional connection grows along with the physical one.” However, if you want to try touch focusing yourself, below is a simplified version as outlined by Phillips.
Phillips recommends setting the mood before focusing on sensations. “You may want to set the tone by dimming the lights, lighting candles, [playing] relaxing music, making sure the room isn’t too cold or hot, and turning off all phones,” he says. During the exercise itself, you will decide who will be the first giver and who will be the receiver. The recipient will let the giver know how much skin they are comfortable exposing and if there are any areas they do not want touched.
“The recipient lies down on a comfortable surface and the giver begins to touch the recipient’s body and explore every corner,” says Phillips. “Remember, the skin is a large sexual organ; it’s everywhere. Experiment with light, gentle touches, firmer touches, scratches, using your forearms, hair, cheeks, lips and other parts of the body that you prefer to be touched by your partner.”
The giver should focus on what feels good, and the receiver should focus on the feeling of pleasure, while letting the giver know if something is not pleasurable. “You can moan and groan when something feels good. You can even say something nice out loud; everyone likes positive feedback,” he says. “The only goal is to enjoy the sensations of this activity for both partners, the recipient and the giver. Use all five senses. Pay attention to the smell of your partner, the sensation of his touch, the sounds he makes, the taste of his skin – and, if there is enough light, open your eyes from time to time.” Afterwards, Phillips recommends discussing what the experience was like for each of you.
To focus on the sensations, Coles advises clients to take turns giving each other a 15-minute clothed massage. “This is not a physical therapy massage, so keep your strokes light and gentle,” she says. “Remember to massage your scalp, arms and legs.”
After people have completed feeling-focus exercises, Nelson often encourages them to journal about the feelings that arise. “I like to ask: what happened to you? What was difficult for you? What automatic negative thoughts have you had? What thoughts were preventing you from being as present as you would like to be? It’s important to hear what the distractions are in their head so they can begin to combat them. There are often long-held belief systems that are important to address.”
Sensual focus is conscious and communicative sex.
The Sensual Focus technique aims to help people become more mindful and present in the bedroom. The slow pace and aimless structure aims to help people notice their sensations and calm their minds. People can approach sex this way, whether they’re sensation-focused or not, by keeping their attention on the touch they’re giving and receiving. “Focus on the sensations whenever you realize you’re thinking about something else,” says Phillips.
Another skill people practice in sensual focus that anyone can apply to sex is communicating about what feels good and what doesn’t. “Too often we’ve been conditioned to believe that our partners are responsible for our pleasure—that our partners should inherently know what our needs are, what our wants are, what we like and don’t like,” Nelson says. “Some people feel very awkward talking about sex, awkward talking about their needs, but they want people to know what they like.”
No matter what your bedroom repertoire looks like, we can all benefit from sharing our preferences with our partners. “You can touch and ask questions,” Nelson says. “What does it feel like? Do you like more pressure? Do you like a softer touch? Where do you like to be touched? What about your neck? While this may seem daunting, it can open up a whole world of opportunities to connect with your partner and build a mutually rewarding sex life.