How to Recognize a Serial Dater (and What to Do If It’s You)
When you hear someone referred to as a “serial dater,” you might assume that they are constantly in long-term relationships and never give themselves time between the breakup and the start of a new relationship to be single and enjoy their own company. As it turns out, the opposite is true: a serial dater is someone who loves the thrill of dating but doesn’t like commitment. At all.
Depending on what you want from your relationship, you’re probably wondering if the person you’re dating is a serial dater, or maybe even if you are one yourself. Here are the signs to look out for.
What is a serial dater?
First, let’s establish this definition. I spoke with Matt Lachman, certified sex therapist and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy , to find out what exactly makes someone a “serial dater.” According to him, a serial dater is “someone whose main goal of dating is not to get into a serious relationship,” but instead “focus on the pleasure and thrill that comes from dating.” The opposite of this might be a “serial monogamist” or a person “who bounces from one serious, committed relationship to another, without any actual casual dating in between.”
Serial dating is essentially a dating experience. They enjoy fun moments like the honeymoon phase. They enjoy meeting people, going on new dates, the rush of all that newness, but not necessarily what comes next: the harder work of building long-term relationships. It is noteworthy that commitment and falling into a routine are not their goals.
Recognize the Signs of Serial Dating
If your goal is long-term dating, you might want to avoid serial dating, or at least know what you’re getting into so you don’t get attached to a dream of a future they might not want to chase. with you.
According to Lachman, signs that someone is a serial dater include a history of short relationships, a demonstrated fear of commitment, inauthentic communication, over-promising and under-delivering, toxic talk about past partners and an excess of harsh gestures early on. . in a relationship. After a few months, they may also show signs of boredom or attention seeking.
He adds that, especially in heterosexual relationships, “potentially trying to fall asleep together too quickly” could also be a sign that you’re dealing with a serial dater, but this isn’t an iron-clad person, and it can also be a good way to determine your sexuality. belonging. compatibility. He recommends assessing your own comfort level and thinking about the consequences if you feel too much pressure to do it. If you both feel sexual energy right away, go for it. If you feel like either of you wants to rush into physical reality just to hurry up and get there, pause and consider whether this is a sign of serial dating behavior.
Is there anything wrong with being a serial dater?
After reading all of these signs, you may be worried that the person you are dating is a serial dater and may not want to make any kind of commitment. Or maybe you recognize these signs within yourself. This can be scary because much of the published content on this topic portrays serial daters as disgusting and unserious people. But the reality is much more subtle. Serial dating isn’t inherently bad .
“Most of the articles you read will talk about how to avoid these people and how they are toxic,” Lachman says. “In fact, one of the highlights of dating is finding a connection with someone, either for one date, a lifetime, or somewhere in between.”
Serial dating is problematic when one person promises another a reality or future they cannot imagine—essentially leading them on. This can also be a problem for serial daters themselves; Lachman warns that serial dating “restricts them from the vulnerability that is critical to success in any relationship.” That said, if you both go into the relationship knowing it’s a short-term fling (and feel good about it), it can be completely fine.
What should you do if you’re dating (or are) someone who’s dating regularly?
It’s okay to date casually if that’s what both parties want. It’s actually fun! But if one person wants long-term commitment and the other is focused on serial dating, friction will arise. Lachman advocates using an individualistic approach to analyze your relationship goals. Why do you want to be in one? What do you get from it? How does another person complement your life?
Ask yourself these questions before making any decisions about your relationship. If you ‘re getting what you want from a relationship, there’s no need to give it up just because the other person might not want to commit, but if that’s what you want, communicate clearly and honestly—and accept it if he’s not upset. . And if you feel like you’ve accidentally been serial dating, understand that it’s not personal; they’re a little ahead of you in implementing this individualistic approach, but “unfortunately, they tend to do it in an inauthentic, secretive way that isn’t open or honest,” Lachman says.
And if you ‘re the one exhibiting serial dating behavior, think about what you value in a relationship and why (and whether) you want to change it. Lachman notes that sometimes fear of vulnerability prevents people from changing, so think about where you learned these behaviors and what you gain from practicing them. Embrace vulnerability by being willing to experience it, by reading books or listening to podcasts that focus on emotional openness in your relationships, or simply telling others how you feel. And, of course, you can always seek help from a psychotherapist if you feel the need. You might be fine with being a serial dater—if so, great. Just make sure your partners know this and feel the same.