The Best Way to Get Kids to Really Listen

All the different schools of parenting ( tender parenting , attachment, etc.) address the age-old dilemma of how to get children to listen and follow your directions. It turns out that a simple language adjustment may be the key to turning a child who challenges into a child who obeys. Declarative language, using statements of facts instead of commands, can be the game changer you need to get out the door, get your homework done, and make your home more peaceful.

Declare, don’t command

We spend our lives as parents being bosses to our children, telling them where to go, what to do and when to do it. This type of communication “doesn’t foster relationship development,” says Linda K. Murphy , author of The Declarative Language Handbook: Using Deliberate Language Style to Help Children with Social Learning Difficulties Feel Competent, Connected, and Understood and the website declarativelanguage. com . However, she says, “declarative language conveys information without making demands. He may share information related to an observation, memory, plan, idea, feeling, or opinion.”

Here are some examples of statements that can motivate your child to take action:

• Observation: The dog looks hungry. (Instead of “Feed the dog.”)
• Memory: I remember that you had a math test today. I’d love to hear how it went. (Instead of “Tell me about your test.”)
• Plan: It’s time to go to school. (Instead of “Get in the car” or “Go to the bus stop.”)
• Idea: I think it would be fun to ride a bike right now. (Instead of “Go outside and ride your bike for a while.”)
• Feeling: Your sister looks sad after you yelled at her. She might want a hug or an apology. (Instead of “Say you’re sorry.”)
• Opinion: It’s cold outside today! Let’s take your coat to keep you warm. (Instead of “You need to put on a coat.”)

Declarations work better than commands for several reasons. “There is will and responsibility,” says parenting coach and psychiatrist Jess Beachkofsky . She says declarative language “can encourage children (or anyone else) to make a choice or do something because they want to, rather than because they are told to .” Unlike explicit commands like “Do this, NOW, or else,” which “can reflexively put people on the defensive, declarative language leaves room for collaboration and collaboration,” she says. If children know they can do something “wrong” and still have another chance at success, they are more likely to try.

In addition to openness, declarative language removes the “blame” from the parent if the child does not want to comply. Beachkofsky says, “Use (declarative language) as a teaching tool for cause and effect .” Instead of a child being angry at his mom because she said, “Do your homework,” the “blame” lies with an external force, such as the timing when you turn it into a declarative sentence. For example: “I’m afraid you might run out of time if you don’t start doing your homework soon.” Mom does not force the child to do homework for the sake of compliance; homework must be completed before the due date, bedtime or dinner time. Murphy says that because “declarative language is also the language we use to connect and form relationships with others,” this style of communication “creates a positive learning environment that is both empowering and inclusive.”

A few simple language settings

Murphy says getting used to declarative language starts with noticing how often you boss your child around. Then, “try to choose one context where you don’t feel rushed and you have time to try something else.” You will need to give yourself time to practice and develop the correct wording. Beachkofsky says, “It may seem like it’s really unhelpful and takes more time than just saying, ‘Get your bag and get in the car!’ but when you have the opportunity to do so, take a deep breath and spend a few extra minutes talking about what’s going on or offering to help with something that seems to be taking longer than usual.”

Before you talk to your child, consider whether it is an imperative sentence, such as one that has the word “you” or his name as the subject, even if it is implied. So, for example, you can say to your child, “You need to get dressed,” which has the subject “you,” but you can also say, “Go get dressed.” Here the subject of the sentence is still “you,” but it is implied. Usually you don’t say, “You, go get dressed,” but you can say, “Billy, go get dressed.” This is an imperative sentence and a command, which means your child is unlikely to want to follow instructions.

Instead, change the statement to: “It’s time to get dressed.” Beachkofsky says kids can “catch what’s going on” and take action, but if they don’t, she suggests going back to the old principle for toddlers of giving them choices rather than commands. In this example, it could be: “Do you want to get dressed first or brush your teeth first?” or “Do you want to get dressed now or in five minutes?” She says, “Observing and allowing children to make inferences and plan ahead for next steps really strengthens their executive functioning skills , as well as helping with planning and organization.” This type of training helps them become more independent in the future, without having to nag or boss them around.

Timing is everything

In comedy and parenting, timing is everything. The training term “wait time” can be applied to a declarative language to make it more efficient. Imagine a teacher asking the class, “What is the moral of the story?” No one will answer right away, unless Hermione Granger is in your class. An inexperienced teacher will immediately start making suggestions by saying, “The moral may be to think before you speak.” An experienced teacher will allow the silence to hang in the air, knowing that sooner or later someone will say something. This is because processing speed varies when people receive new information. The teacher knows the potential answer to the question, but the students didn’t even know they were going to be asked the question at all.

“We always want to make sure we give our students the time they need to think and process the information we present,” Murphy says. “If we get to the prompt, question, or other wording too early, we can make things more difficult.” Instead of giving answers or more language, try to give the words time to sink in. “Even though it may feel awkward at first, it’s important to get used to the silence on the other side of the declarative statement ,” she says.