What to Do If You Feel “touched” by a Parent
The early years of parenting are a full-contact sport, and the chaotic mix of sleepless nights, tantrums and physical demands can often leave parents feeling “bullied.” From the intense physical experience of breastfeeding to a simple personal jungle gym for your toddler or preschooler, raising young children can make them feel like your body is no longer yours.
“Everyone has a different tolerance for physical touch,” Mary Ann said.
Covey, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks . “Some people hug; some don’t.” Becoming a parent does not change this touch tolerance, so the physical aspects of raising young children can often lead to sensory overload as a parent.
Feeling “hurt” is common
Although the feeling of being touched by a parent is not talked about very often, it is very common. Considering how different kids (and parents) can be when it comes to touch, many parents can feel alone. “It all depends on the child,” Covey said. “Some kids are very touchy and others aren’t, so other mothers can’t identify—and not only can they not identify, they want the same thing as you.”
However, Jessica Rohr, a psychologist at Houston Methodist Hospital who specializes in maternal mental health, sees it every week in her practice. As Rohr notes, a sense of connectedness often arises from a number of social and biological factors. “First, there is a biological component,” Rohr said. “When children are small, we release oxytocin when we are around them. They’re an evolutionary remnant, which is why we didn’t leave them in the cave. However, we feel bad when we are away from them.”
As Rohr notes, the second factor is social. “In Western society there is an emphasis on what is called intensive parenting, which is the idea that a parent, especially a mother, has to give of herself, to become absorbed in her children, her time, her energy, her body,” Rohr said. “There’s definitely an emphasis on the idea that your baby should have access to your body, and if you don’t, you’re a bad mom.”
How to deal with the feeling of being touched
For Rohr’s patients who feel bullied, she tends to focus on two main strategies to make the situation more manageable. The first priority is to find a way to get your partner involved so they understand what’s going on and how to help. In her experience, touching can often cause tension in a marriage. “We see partners, usually male partners, get upset because he wants to start having sex again, he wants to hug mom, he wants to hold her hand, and that’s where she feels comfortable saying, ‘No , Please”. don’t touch me, it’s turning me off right now,” Rohr said. “This can lead to some tension in the marriage.”
Once the partner understands what is happening, they can help team up so that one parent can give attention to the child while the other parent can take a break from physical contact. If a child tends to cling to one parent, then sharing time can also help encourage him to spend more time with the other parent.
The second priority is to teach children the importance of bodily autonomy, which goes both ways. Just as a child shouldn’t be expected to hug or kiss someone when he doesn’t want to, he also needs to learn that there are times when his parents need physical space. “It’s a really important skill to demonstrate to them and model for them that in a loving relationship you don’t have to have access to someone else’s body for them to prove to you that they love you,” Rohr said. . “This is a really important thing for our kids to learn.”
One strategy that Rohr finds effective is to frame the request in terms of “Mommy’s body needs some space” to let the child know that while there is a need for space, it is about physical touch and not a combination physical and emotional.