How to Defuse a Love Bomber
Dating is confusing even at the best of times. Consider the machinations of a lover-terrorist and you’ll be puzzled for days analyzing their overbearing behavior and declarations of love.
“A love bomber is someone who expresses their affection for a new potential partner in an extremely adoring and very intimate way at the very beginning of a romantic relationship,” says Dr. Courtney S. Warren, psychologist and author of Letting . Get away from your ex . “While not a medical term, love bombing is generally considered a manipulative dating tactic used to make a potential partner addicted and invest in the relationship before they have had enough time to evaluate if they are a good fit.”
For example, shortly after meeting a potential romantic partner, a love bomber is likely to shower you with enthusiastic compliments, offer expensive or very personal and intimate gifts, declare that he loves or adores them, makes efforts to stay in constant contact (for example, calls or text messages several times a day) or an immediate offer of commitment.
According to Warren, love bombings are usually a wake-up call because the statements and behaviors of love bombers are too extreme to form a healthy relationship. Over time, she says, love bombers move from “an attitude of idealizing their new partner and overly positive expression of their feelings to devaluing their partner in a critical and humiliating way.”
Love bombing is another mine that people need to get around in the dating world, so it’s important to know how to defuse it. Below, Warren offers his tips on how to do this.
Do not rush
Oftentimes, love bombers try to get a quick and early response, which is why Warren says maintaining your own speed in a relationship is critical to feeling safe with a new partner. In other words, the slow and steady win the race. So if a love bomber says he loves you early on, Warren recommends responding with your sincere reaction that you’re not on the same page. Warren suggests saying something like, “Wow… thanks, but I wish I could take it a little slower” or “You’re moving too fast for me!”
Set boundaries
Boundaries are necessary because lovers constantly demand your attention and time. “If you communicate that you want to spend time with friends and family, but your new partner who bombards you with love doesn’t respond well to it, stay true to yourself,” Warren says. “You absolutely should be able to have your own relationship away from that relationship – acknowledge their feelings, but don’t lose yourself in the dating process.”
You can say something like, “I heard that you want to spend a lot of time together, but it’s really important to me to keep up friendships and interests.” Warren says that if they don’t respect your boundaries, you may need to rethink your relationship.
Think about your insecurities
“Some love bombers exhibit narcissistic tendencies — meaning they often value their own qualities highly, want to be the center of attention, and are sensitive to flaws in themselves and others,” says Warren. “So they can be well attuned to their spouse’s insecurities and can easily try to take advantage of it.”
If you notice that your love partner makes remarks or snubs the areas where you are most vulnerable and sensitive to criticism, Warren says it’s important to pause first. She recommends saying the following: “When you criticize me like that, it really hurts my feelings. I would be grateful if you would not say such things to me.
In general, if you’re dating a love terrorist, Warren advises that it’s important to boost your self-esteem and find a good therapist to help you sort through your relationship. “Ultimately, you want your choice of life partner to be healthy for you, based on strength and honesty, and not on overly flamboyant expressions and unrealistic romantic ideals,” she says.