How to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor

There is no shortage of advice and research that points to the benefits of mentors. These are consultants who can offer you support throughout your career. In doing so, they can improve your work experience, introduce new people to your network, or help you learn new skills. In addition, mentors are people who have more experience, so they can help you deal with difficult situations in the workplace.

Several years ago, a mentor helped me overcome an embarrassing mistake at work. I tended to keep apologizing for it and bringing it up in meetings like I needed everyone to really know how sorry I was. I mentioned this to my mentor at the time, who directly told me to stop. She said, “You apologized and admitted your mistake. Take what you have learned and stop talking about it.” She taught me the importance of not digging into my mistakes. Instead, learn from them and move on.

Without a doubt, a mentor can be a huge asset in your career. However, if your organization does not have a program that matches mentors and mentees, how do you find a mentor? Or maybe you already know someone, but how do you ask that person to be your mentor?

Decide what you want to learn and from whom

Before talking to anyone about mentoring, take a step back and identify what you want to learn. Do you want to improve certain skills such as public speaking or giving feedback? Do you want to learn strategies to reduce stress or manage a challenging workload? Or maybe you want an experienced thinker to help you successfully navigate office politics, difficult personalities, or a bad boss?

Either way, write down two or three things you want to focus on with your mentor. These are your goals. Know them first.

Then find someone with experience to advise you on your goals. Ideally, you already know each other. This makes it easier to find mentoring. If there is no one in your immediate circle, branch out and ask friends and colleagues to recommend you. See if they can facilitate an introduction or informational meeting. First, try to get to know the potential mentor briefly. Learn about their experiences and interests and use this time to decide if they are right for you. This part may take a little longer, and that’s okay. It is important to know that a mentor suits your needs.

Be specific about expectations and deadlines

Once you’ve identified your goals and met a potential mentor, it’s time to ask a question. Potential mentors are more likely to agree to mentoring if they understand the expectations and deadlines, so be specific about this. Here is the general format to follow when asking someone to be your mentor:

• Describe what you admire about a mentor. Be sincere, this is not flattery. This is a recognition of their experience and the rationale for your request.
• Ask about establishing a relationship and be specific about what you want to know. For example: “Could you work with me as a mentor? I would like to know about your experience in… I would also appreciate your advice and guidance on…”
• Set a short deadline for participation. If possible, you can always extend. But if this does not happen, short terms will allow you to easily break off the relationship. Also, offer a cadence in meetings. For example: “I would like to meet once a month for three months. Meetings will last no more than 45 minutes each.
• Make it easy for the mentor. “There is no job for you. I will schedule appointments and send you my questions in advance so you can prepare.” Not everyone knows how to be mentors, so the simpler you make it, the better. You will also have a better conversation if the mentor knows your questions ahead of time and can prepare.

Intentionally end or extend an engagement

Once you get to the end, deliberately end or continue mentoring. Never “ghost” the mentor, suddenly cutting off all communication. Instead, express gratitude for the advice they have given and briefly review what you have learned for them. Then extend it or complete it. You might say, “That helped me a lot. Would you like to extend for another three months with one meeting per month? Here’s what I’d like to discuss…” Or, to end, be direct and brief: “It helped me a lot. Thank you for this time together.” Creating a closure is beneficial for both you and the mentor.

This is a formal approach to establishing mentoring interactions. Not all mentoring requires such a process. Of course, some mentoring relationships may be more informal. The advantage of this approach, however, is that it defines roles, expectations, and timelines from the start. It also shows that you are organized and thoughtful about your career development.

There is no doubt that mentoring can be beneficial to your career. The best part is that no matter the level of formality in the engagement, many mentorship relationships turn into lifelong friendships.