How Being “Needy” Can Actually Be Good for Your Relationship

When it comes to your relationship, you are usually referred to as “needy”. You probably think of a person in need as someone who demands so much reassurance and approval from their partner that they are teetering on uncomfortable territory. So you may be forced to appear less needy in your own relationships so as not to scare away our partners, but in moderation, expressing your needs can actually be a positive thing.

“Relationship needs are important because they help you determine what functions we would like our relationships and relationship partners to perform,” Dr. Sarah E. Hill, consultant for dating app Cougar Life, tells Lifehacker. “It can be a little different for all of us – and can change over time – so it’s important for each of us to spend some time identifying what’s important. They can help relationships flourish by helping people choose partners who will make them happy, as well as being clear and candid about their expectations.”

Who doesn’t want a thriving relationship? If you’re constantly worried about needing your relationship too much (or not enough), here are some tips to help you accept your neediness as a way to strengthen your connection with your partner.

How to determine what your needs really are?

“Your needs are what you need to be able to function, feel safe, and [and] perform at your best,” Mary Sanker , LCMHC, tells Lifehacker. “Because our needs vary from person to person, trial and error is your best bet for things that go beyond basic needs.”

Hill recommends dating different types of people who bring different things. “The rise of dating apps can be very helpful for this,” she says. “Used to only date outgoing adventurers? Try swiping right across an introverted intellectual. Or, if you’re used to only dating people in your age group, consider dating with an age gap.”

Sanker says another good way to determine what your needs are is to observe your emotional response in your relationship. “If you find yourself constantly getting annoyed with your partner or starting to avoid moments that could lead to a real connection, it is likely that the need is not being met, since emotions often act as indicators that “something” is missing.” she says. . “Determining our needs often looks like a slowdown and an honest inventory of how we function on the physical, mental, emotional and soul levels.”

Validating your needs is an ongoing process. When Sanker works with clients on this topic, she says she reminds them that needs can change. “Your needs in June are probably different from your needs in January, and yet they become real needs,” she explains. Perhaps at the beginning of your relationship you needed your partner to check on you during the day, but after a few months you need more space. Both are completely valid.

Why is being “needed” important for a relationship?

Below, Sanker explains why the need for a relationship is really important.

This builds trust. For relationships to thrive, Sanker says, we must first come together to meet our basic needs, which create security and trust. “When we can constantly feel trust in our partner, we are more likely to rely on that partner to hold our deeper truths,” she explains. “When we can build trust and be vulnerable, relationships can thrive because we feel we are being seen and heard, and we create a secure attachment… that allows relationships to be sustainable.”

It creates intimacy. According to Sanker, knowing your needs reflects knowing who you are and understanding your own inner world. As a result, it helps “to promote deeper connection and more productive time together because you can go beyond superficial interactions,” she says. “We often think that in order to be in a relationship, we have to ignore our own needs in order to meet the needs of others… [but] this can lead to depletion [rather than] a real connection.”

This will help you understand if the long term is right for you. According to Sanker, by expressing your needs, you can feel seen and heard, and possibly get what you really want out of the relationship. “This is a chance to see if the relationship will last (can this person meet my needs?),” she says. “Getting your needs straight saves your partner the guesswork game, which can…make him feel more at ease [sharing] his needs,” she says.

How to express your needs without looking too needy

If expressing your needs is important, how can you do it without looking too needy? According to Hill, the most important thing is to clearly define what you really need. “Many people don’t understand their needs very well because they don’t spend much time thinking about what they think their relationship should do,” she says. “Expressing these needs, once they are identified, can be easy conversation. The key is to have it with the intention of telling your partner about how you can all work better together to improve the relationship.” Instead of saying, “I need, I need, I need,” Hill recommends saying, “This is important to me.” Your partner’s ability to keep commitments can be the deciding factor in whether you’re ready to continue the relationship. Either way, expressing your needs will benefit both of you.