“Underreaction” Is Your Best Parenting Tool
As every parent experiences, not getting the desired response from your child can sometimes lead to you raising your voice or showing visual frustration to the point where you are actually overreacting. And, as we (logically) know, rarely a louder and bigger reaction on our part results in a calmer and more resolved situation with them. That’s why the next time your child presses your buttons, you should consider not reacting to his behavior to see if your buttons suddenly become less tempting to press.
“Perhaps this behavior arises from the fact that your child takes pleasure in your violent reactions,” psychologist Vanessa Kahlon wrote in her book How to Be Confident in Parenting .
However, it’s important to note that underreacting is not the same as ignoring a child’s behavior, Kahlon said.
“When you ignore a behavior or just let it go, you risk giving the child the idea that he is in charge of the situation,” Kahlon wrote. “While allowing kids to have their own opinions and their own voice is a great life skill, helping kids understand that adults are in charge of situations will build a level of trust that is vital for future relationships.”
The benefits of underreacting (when appropriate) are that you can:
- Avoid escalating conflict.
- Give your child a sense of stability and predictability.
- Provide a safe and secure environment.
- Help children feel more secure and confident.
- Help them develop healthy coping strategies.
- Create a positive and supportive family environment.
How not to react in difficult parenting situations
If your child is running away from you, doesn’t want to do a task like cleaning, or generally doesn’t agree with your plans and expectations, try Kahlon’s steps to not react to them instead of yelling and chasing them:
- Use a calm voice.
- Once your child is able to listen, set your expectations. (For example: “I expect you to come out and put away your toys.”)
- If there is no response to your instruction, add a deadline and consequences. (For example: “I expect you to come out and start putting your toys away. We planned to go to the park this afternoon and we can’t go to the park until the toys are put away.”)
“In order to better not react, it’s important to develop healthy coping strategies that help you stay calm and collected in the moment,” Kahlon said. “This may include techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness or visualization exercises to help you stay present and focused. It can also be helpful to identify your triggers and develop a plan for how to respond to difficult situations in a calm and measured way. This may mean that you take a step back, give yourself time to think, and respond in a thoughtful and measured way.”
Also, connect to your support network (or create one if you need to ).
“It can be helpful to seek support from others, whether it be therapy, parent groups, or other forms of social support,” Kahlon said. “By building a support network and developing healthy coping strategies, you can improve your ability to not overreact and respond to difficult situations calmly and effectively.”
Three times do not respond
- During challenging behavior. “If a child is naughty or misbehaves, parents may be tempted to respond with disappointment, anger, or punishment. However, by underreacting and reacting in a calm and measured way, parents can show their child how to regulate their emotions and behavior in a stressful situation. This can help reduce the likelihood that the child will escalate their behavior and may help promote positive future behavior as well as avoid power struggles,” Kahlon said.
- During difficult emotions. All emotions are good, but some are harder to handle, such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. “When a child is experiencing a difficult emotion, it can be helpful for parents to not react and respond with empathy and understanding rather than reacting with frustration or trying to fix the situation. This can help the child feel heard and supported and can create a more positive and supportive relationship between parents and children,” Kahlon said.
- During bad events. Bad news can hit a family at any time, from a very personal crisis affecting only your family to scary national and global news. Staying calm is a good way to model emotion management for your child. If you’re overwhelmed, it’s time to take a break. “This can help create a sense of stability and security for the child during difficult times and can help the family work together to find solutions and deal with the situation,” Kahlon said. “If a parent needs a ‘break’ to take care of themselves, let the family show them how to take care of their mental health. The kids are always watching us do things!”
Underestimation can be helpful, whether you’re raising toddlers or teenagers. Regardless of your child’s age, focus on staying calm, modeling healthy emotional regulation, and responding rationally and effectively.
“Children of all ages benefit from seeing how their parents respond to stress or difficult situations calmly and rationally. In fact, modeling effective emotion regulation and problem-solving skills may be particularly important for adolescents as they develop their own sense of identity and learn to cope with difficult social and emotional situations,” Kahlon said.
Try to see “I hate you!” like “love faucet”
Another opportunity to soften your reaction is when a struggling child pulls out big guns with the words “I hate you!” or other harsh comment. Kahlon says such moments show that the child feels safe enough with you to express his feelings. By thinking of it as a “love tap” you can remind yourself that it’s not personal.
“It can be difficult for parents to perceive their child’s harsh words as “love punches,” especially when those words are offensive or disrespectful. However, it is important to recognize that children often use words to express their emotions and that their behavior is a reflection of their needs and feelings rather than a personal attack on the parent,” Kahlon said. “When a child says, ‘I hate you,’ it may be a sign that he is upset, depressed, or alienated from his parent. By acknowledging and acknowledging their feelings, parents can help the child feel heard and supported even in difficult times.”