How to Accept Help (Even If It Seems Awkward)
Asking for or accepting help can trigger a wide range of complex emotions. There is a fear of appearing needy or weak; nervousness associated with the demonstration of vulnerability; or worry that asking for help means you have a right to it. But as difficult as it is to accept help from others, giving and receiving is a necessary part of life.
“We all need help,” said Dan Neuhart , a licensed marriage and family therapist. “We need other people.”
Ignoring needs can make it difficult to seek help
For many people, the difficulty in asking for or getting help comes from childhood. As clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone points out, these feelings often arise because our requests go unnoticed at an earlier age. “If you adapt in this way, that is, turn down the volume of your needs and desires, it can be very difficult to connect with them, to say them out loud,” Firestone said.
Sometimes these unnoticed requests are a by-product of neglect or parents being too overwhelmed to notice. They may have worked multiple jobs to make ends meet, or may not have had additional family support themselves; Whatever the reason, when your needs go unnoticed, it can lead to feelings of shame about asking for or receiving help, and also contributes to an extreme sense of independence.
As Neuhart points out, sometimes we grow up in situations where help comes with reservations, which can also make people reluctant to accept it.
How best to get help
One way to get better at accepting help is to start with simple requests, like asking for directions. “Make it a habit,” Firestone said. “Start small.” Practicing this under favorable conditions can dampen some of the emotions that may arise.
Neuhart also recommends listening to your inner reactions to those who offer help. “Tune in and see if there is any automatic response,” he said. “Do you welcome it, feel uncomfortable, automatically say no?” If your reflex is to say, “No, I can handle it,” or feel acute discomfort, wait a few minutes for these feelings to subside before accepting or refusing help.
Helping others is nice
While asking for help is difficult, one way to make it a little easier is to focus on how you feel when you help others and remember that the same thing happens when others help you. “Asking for help can feel like a burden when it’s a gift to another person to let them be generous to you,” Firestone said. “Generosity feels good. We know this by doing it ourselves, but we don’t apply it to the people who do it for us.”