How to Get a Teenager to Do Damn Homework
Raising teenagers is not easy. They still depend on you for their daily needs, but they also have their own minds, so while you can push them in a certain direction, there’s little you can do if they refuse to do something. When it comes to schoolwork, you can teach them the importance of hard work and set an example for keeping commitments, but if they refuse to study or do their homework, your options are limited. Of course, you can take away their phone or forbid them to meet friends, but there is a chance that they will still rest on their heels (and ruin your relationship in the process). What to do if a teenager refuses to do homework?
There is usually an underlying reason
Generally speaking, most children, including teenagers, want to do well in school. However, if there is something that gets in the way (say, confusion in instructions, difficulty with a subject, or a problem with their ability to focus), then this can lead to a situation where they feel it is easier to just refuse to do it than to admit it. what they are fighting. Our job as parents is to try and figure out what’s really going on, even if all you get from them is one word answers and eye rolls.
“We adults need to be curious to understand what’s behind it,” said Elaine Taylor-Klaus, founder of Impact Parents and author of The Essential Guide to Parenting Difficult Kids with ADHD, Anxiety and More . What at first looks like a rejection may be a teenager shutting down because they are being asked to do something that seems too big, difficult, or impossible, to the point where refusing to do the job, even with the consequences, seems more easy option. “The ambiguity can really turn our kids off,” Taylor-Klaus said.
This can be especially true if they have felt ashamed or uncomfortable about asking for help in the past, whether it’s because their classmates do an assignment with ease, a teacher who wasn’t particularly helpful, or a parent. who are too far from work to remember how hard it can be. This may also be true if the teen is a perfectionist, as not doing something can feel less terrible than doing something wrong. “Not doing homework is a symptom,” Taylor-Klaus said. “We want to find out what that symptom is.”
If your teen is having severe math or reading difficulties, or is struggling to stay focused or organized despite their best intentions, then it’s a good idea to talk to a pediatrician to see if they need to be tested for dyscalculia , dyslexia , ADHD . , or other treatable disorders. If the issues are related to an underlying disorder, diagnosis and treatment will offer strategies that can help address their specific needs as well as provide much-needed context for their struggles.
Adolescent independence goes through four stages
By the time your child reaches adolescence, they are getting to the point where it is time for them to take responsibility for doing their job. As Taylor-Klaus often advises parents, this process of gradual independence consists of four phases: Phase 1 – director mode, when parents keep the agenda; Phase 2 is a collaborative mode where parents and children work together to solve a problem; Phase 3 is a support mode where children come up with solutions to problems and parents offer support; and Phase 4 is a support mode where parents stand aside and cheer their children on.
As Taylor-Klaus points out, relationships between parents and teens often switch between cooperative and supportive modes, depending on what kind of support they might need for a particular task. “We want to work with them to solve problems, help them succeed and be part of their own solution,” said Taylor-Klaus. “Our inclination as parents is to just offer them a solution.”
If your teenager is having difficulty completing school assignments, helping them may require cooperation to identify what the problems are and how to solve them, or support by offering help with a solution they have identified. This could be in the form of figuring out an organizational system that keeps them on track, giving them additional tutoring to help with a subject they’re struggling with, or checking in with them on a regular basis about what their progress looks like and suggesting anything. support they may need. It is important to make sure they are actively involved in their own success. “They need to feel connected,” Taylor-Klaus said.