So You Need to Poop on a Date
It’s wonderful to reach a point in a relationship where your not-so-new partner has finally discovered all the terrible smells your body can make and yet decides to stay with you. However, the last thing you want is for that stinking point to come early, tragically killing the romance too soon.
A little about me: I have an irrationally shy bladder . For the most part, pooping outside your own home is out of the question. One of my worst nightmares is a clogged toilet in my boyfriend’s own house. Fighting this fear has given me a certain level of knowledge when it comes to managing fecal damage. So, here’s how you can poop on a date without embarrassing yourself in front of your romantic prospects.
If you have to poop on the site
Let’s start with the assumption that “restraining yourself” is no longer an option for you. Although facing this issue in public sounds stressful, it is actually preferable to dealing with it in one of your homes. Find a public restroom that you might accidentally go to and make sure they don’t follow you there – easy enough, provided you can do it fast enough that they don’t have too much time to wonder what you do. j. At worst, you are in their house. Here are the basics for discrete bowel movements in your date’s bathroom:
- First make sure the toilet is working. Give him an experimental flush.
- Fire up the sink and turn on the bathroom fan while you’re at it.
- Practice what my father calls the “polite flush,” also known as the “running flush.” The goal here is to ensure that the toilet does not face a final load that it cannot handle. (Of course, the downside is that your girlfriend might hear you flush a few times – I’d argue that’s better than what could happen if/when you can’t flush at all.)
- Wait for them to use the bathroom first. After you leave, do everything in your power to give you time to work through whatever you’ve done. Start an engaging conversation, or perhaps an impromptu game, or lie back on the couch. Ask if you can help prepare dinner or clean dishes. If you’re going somewhere, try pooping right before you both leave so you can get out of here before they smell it.
In the future, consider carrying an odor remover (like Poo-Pourri) with you to help calm you down.
If you clog the toilet on a date
First things first: stop flushing. Cleaning the toilet is one thing, but once it overflows, you’ll have a whole different mess in your hands. If your comfort level is nearing the edge, turn off the water by reaching for the toilet and turning the silver metal knob.
Look for a drain cleaner under the sink. Pour it in and let it sit for a few minutes to start clearing things up.
If you have a plunger: Don’t forget to tilt the plunger over the hole, moving it up and down until the water level starts to move, signaling that you’ve successfully cleared the blockage.
No plunger? Clean out the toilet with a plastic bag .
Dilute the load with soap and water. This requires you to find a way to transport hot water from the sink to the bowl. Pour some hand soap or detergent into the bowl and then pour in as much hot water as you can to make things sink more easily.
Remove feces with your hands. Avoid this option in all but the most extreme cases. In fact, I have trouble imagining a scenario so bad as to risk being caught with a handful of your own excrement. However, if you need to, make sure you have a disposal plan in place first. Is there a window in the bathroom? Where does this window lead? Can you walk straight out of the closet on a date to “run fast to your car” while you actually find a way to toss your load into your neighbor’s trash can? (The associated uncertainty shows why this route should be considered a last resort.) Then find some kind of buffer between your arms and the load—a wad of toilet paper may be your only option—and wrap it up ASAP. . Make sure you wash your face with plenty of soap and water, obviously.
If you need to run
If you feel like a terrible restriction is coming in the bathroom, you can always escape before you risk destroying your companion’s bathroom. Faking an emergency is an art. You need something serious enough to justify your leaving, mild enough in terms of personal karma, and vague enough to convince your girlfriend that they don’t have to do anything to help your fake situation.
My favorite lie is something along the lines of “a friend is having a panic attack.” (Yes, I’m a bad person.) This situation is urgent, but not something that requires you to keep lying in the future. It’s also not something your girlfriend will ever in good conscience raise to a friend when they meet.
Of course, escaping is only a reasonable option before you go to the bathroom. Don’t run away after you’ve created a blockage that you can’t fix. That would be extremely badass.
Or choose honesty
Whatever you do, don’t ruin someone’s bathroom and then run away from there. Be direct and explain that you need to run off and get some supplies to clean their toilet or anything else you might need. Things in the bathroom may be disgusting, but your honesty can showcase your level of sexual confidence.
We all poop. Your date should be very understanding of this fact. If not, I think you can refer them to children’s literature to enlighten them on the subject.