How to Be a Parent With “associated Consequences” (and Why You Should)
As parenting trends move further away from punishment and harsh discipline, there is still conflict between parenting communities and perhaps even within your own family over how to get kids to do what is necessary without being too strict. or too lenient. . We talked about the natural consequences for our children, such as being able to learn from their own mistakes or not being prepared. A new term to keep in mind when you’re helping a child connect their actions to an outcome, especially if you’re the one who hands out the outcome, is “associated consequences.”
What is a related consequence?
A related consequence is equivalent to making sure “the punishment fits the crime” for affectionate parents who may not want to punish their children . Rather, what happens after the behavior is either a natural or a fabricated consequence of the preceding action. For example, if a child does not put his dirty socks in the basket, the natural consequence is that he will not have clean football socks.
Sometimes, as parents, we make up these consequences to prove our point. If it seems like your child never does laundry where it should be, and this becomes a problem, the related consequence you are producing may be that he won’t be able to play video games until his laundry is taken apart. A consequence is related to the event or behavior that causes the problem. In this case, the time spent on housework is subtracted from free time. Time is related to time.
What do we do wrong so often
TikTok star Casey Davis ( Home Blisters ) explained it well with real life examples: in this video , she talks about the importance of assessing whether you are giving your child a “related consequence” or a threat.
The video shows what many of us do, especially when tired, stressed or upset, is to threaten and punish children when they behave in ways we don’t want to impose. If a kid with laundry all over the house is pushing your buttons and you don’t think about the consequences, you can just tell him that he can’t play video games all week, not just until he’s done laundry. Job.
It’s more of a “punishment” than a “consequence”. Since video games themselves have nothing to do with laundry, the consequences are not related to the behavior you are trying to correct or change. It’s unlikely that your child will connect the dots as easily – it’s more likely that everyone will be angry and resentful, and the cycle will continue with the next housework or next power struggle.
How to distinguish punishment from punishment
Writing for VeryWellFamily , Sarah Vanbuskirk explains that the difference between punishment and punishment is that “punishment makes children suffer or be ashamed of their mistakes. They may be designed to make children feel bad . Although the consequences may cause some discomfort, the goal is for the child to connect their behavior with the results of their actions in order to get the necessary motivation to make a different choice next time. Keep this in mind as you choose your response to behavior.
Another thing we do as parents is too big consequences. We usually do this because we are completely fed up with a situation that repeats itself over and over again. Your child never puts away his laundry and his behavior is disgusting, so not only are you taking away the video games, you are also getting rid of the game console. But with these “too big” responses, the punishment doesn’t fit or doesn’t fit the crime, and your child is less likely to attribute the consequences to their actions – they’ll only feel the devastation of losing the game.
Even worse is corporal punishment— studies show that corporal punishment , using pain to “teach a lesson,” name calling, excessive yelling, or humiliation do not change a child’s behavior and can cause lasting psychological damage.
How to Model Related Consequences
By modeling the associated consequences for children, and by thinking aloud and explaining our logic, we will show them the difference between threats and punishments and the natural and associated consequences of their actions.
So, when your child does something that requires consequences, explain why you are imposing that boundary. “I see you’ve decided to break our agreement that you clean your room after a date. Until you clean up, you can’t ride bikes with the neighborhood kids.”