How to Befriend Ravens and Turn Them Against Enemies
A few months ago I tried to photograph myself on a flock of ducks so that they would think that I was their mother. It wasn’t great. All the ducks did was shit all over my house, and oh my god, the constant quacking . So, I’m moving on to the crows. Instead of a flock of dumb ducks chasing me everywhere, I’ll have a ton of crows – a killer crow – chasing me like a black cloud of menace. And I use my personal crow army to destroy my enemies.
Why crows?
Unlike ducks, crows are intelligent, self-sufficient animals that do not need to be provided with diapers. They solve problems and communicate with each other. They are smart—maybe as smart as a seven-year-old human child. They even seem to have rituals and some kind of culture. But most importantly, crows can recognize human faces. They recognize in my face the face of their master. Look at my form of ravens, rooks and blackbirds, and listen to my mighty croak, for I am Steven Johnson, Lord of the Crows.
Is it legal to keep crows as pets?
In many places it is illegal to keep crows as pets. I plan on letting the birds in my crow army live their lives because I’m too lazy to take care of them, but if you’re planning on getting a real pet crow, you might have to hide it from the authorities. which often denounce the special love between a man and his ravens.
How to attract crows
The first step to crow mastery is to collect your crows. These birds need a safe and quiet place where they can do their crow business, and that could be your backyard, especially if you live in a city or suburb. Crows that live close to humans are unlikely to be intimidated by you – rural crows are much more suspicious.
You may need to make some changes to your yard. Crows aren’t going to roam around known bird enemies like dogs and cats, so you’ll have to give away your current pets. It’s a sacrifice, but it’s worth it. If you have bells or other sources of noise, get rid of those too. Crows don’t want to be scared.
Crows love bushes and trees – places to hide and talk – so make sure your yard is planted. Crows also like to have water sources, so install a birdbath so they can bathe themselves and their prey.
How to feed your crows
I’d rather have the wild crows see me and feel immediately related, but so far that hasn’t worked so I’ve had to deal with transactions – which means I’m feeding them. Crows are omnivorous and eat everything from worms to fish and garbage. They are not picky, but internet experts recommend feeding them nuts, eggs, cuts of meat, or dog and cat food. I’ll go with the leftovers because I love bloodthirsty crows.
Place the food in an open area where it can be seen from the air, preferably with something shiny around it. Then leave it. Friendship with crows requires patience. They are wary animals so they will not approach food if they see a human nearby, so keep your distance while waiting for a crow to appear. Don’t look them in the eye. Don’t move fast. Just hide from a safe distance and let them get used to you and your yard.
Be patient and consistent
Crows recognize patterns, and if you leave them food at the same time of day, they will eventually add your backyard to their mental map of “where food comes from.” Once they appear regularly, you can try approaching food every day. But don’t overdo it and don’t scare them. Ravens have a long memory. If all goes well, the crows you attract will end up associating you with the food and the pleasant environment of your backyard, and this is where the fun begins.
Your crow army and you
If all goes well, your face and good deeds will be spread among the local crows like a legend and more will land in your yard to feast on your delicious food. If the crows really like you, they will start leaving you shiny things as tribute – bottle caps, bullets, and so on. They can even deliver a priceless diamond from the Countess’s necklace to your doorstep, creating a mystery that only Hercule Poirot, Belgium’s greatest detective, can solve.
Crows are known to protect
Those who have befriended local crow killers report that the crows become territorial and protective. For example, Reddit user crann sought legal advice due to possible liability from her personal pack attacking neighbors .
“My neighbor came up for a social distancing conversation (I’m on my porch, she’s in the yard) and the crows started swooping down on her. They won’t stop until she leaves my yard,” they told Reddit.
The consensus among online bird experts is that crows are probably guarding their resources and can be dissuaded by offering food or something shiny. But I want my crows to be more selective. Fortunately, there is a way to make crows hate the same people as me.
Teaching Ravens to Hate Enemies
Research on ravens shows that birds use their advanced perception to tell good people from bad people—they quite legitimately like some people and dislike others—and they tell us by our faces.
In 2006, biologist John Marzluff and students at the University of Washington wanted to know exactly how crows use this information, so they did an experiment in which students wore special masks and disturbed some crows by netting and tying them up. A few days later, students wearing various masks walked around the campus. The crows ignored all the masked people, except for those wearing the masks of the people who bothered them. When they saw these jerks, they responded with “loud swearing and small crowds forming.”
It’s cool, but the amazing thing is that the crows continued to threaten and yell at the masked men for years. Even if they’ve only seen bad behavior once, they don’t forget or forgive. Not only that, the number of mask-hating crows has increased over time. Somehow the crows said to each other , “This guy sucks. Threaten him. It spread to crows that weren’t even involved in the original traumatic event. Even birds that weren’t born hated the wearer of the mask.
I’m sure you can see where this is going. Once you’ve befriended more crows, you need to get a perfectly realistic mask for your mortal enemy, say Lifehacker’s deputy editor Joel Cunningham . Put on a mask and then fool your crows Throw stones at them. Call their mothers pigeons. Tell them you’re glad Brandon Lee died. All you have to do is make them hate “you”.
Then sit back and relax while the crows work. Word will spread among the birds, and every time your enemies walk the streets, crows will gather. They will stare at them. They will scream their disapproval of the very existence of your enemies. Your enemies won’t understand why either. But every day there will be more and more crows. And it won’t stop. Not today. Never.