What to Say After You’ve Insulted Someone (and What Not To)
Even if you always have the best of intentions, at some point in your life you will seriously offend someone. No matter how educated, knowledgeable, or gentle you are, it’s basically a human inevitability and it happens to all of us. It doesn’t matter if you want to be offensive or even if you think the other person should be offended in some way; what matters is the answer.
Here’s what to say after you hurt someone.
Sorry as soon as you can
The first thing to know is that you will have to apologize. Don’t delay it; even if you’re embarrassed, don’t prolong the situation or imply that the other person is overreacting and shouldn’t be offended. A timely, direct apology is key here, but delivery is just as important.
“Any apology must effectively show that the person who offended someone can empathize, that they now acknowledge that what they said was offensive, that they understand the issue,” said Angela Gorman, president of AMWPR , a public relations in New York. York City. “So number one is to admit the crime.”
To acknowledge a hurt, she said, admit it directly. Put the blame on yourself and don’t be shy about expressing yourself. She noted that “I made a mistake” is much more effective than “Mistakes were made” because it expresses responsibility for the mistake.
Gorman pointed to the “three Rs” of crisis management: regret, respond, and reassure. Express regret for what you did, talk about it, reassure the other person that you won’t do it again, and then make the necessary changes to fulfill that reassurance. More on this a little later.
Do not make excuses
A big part of acknowledging the problem is not making excuses for your behavior. You can explain your behavior, whether it’s acknowledging a cultural or social blind spot or providing context about why you weren’t great, but you shouldn’t try to ignore what you did or dismiss blame.
“Avoid any statement that contains an excuse, such as: “It’s really not me” or “I was very stressed at the time.” It’s better to say, “There’s no excuse for my comments and I’m sorry you’re offended,” Gorman said.
Discuss what will change in the future
Gorman said that in a situation where you’ve offended someone, “admit that you’re disappointed with your behavior and that you’ll do everything you can to make amends, and offer a direct line of communication to learn how.” in order to restore the relationship in the best possible way. Anna Rothschild , a celebrated publicist, supported this, emphasizing how important it is for someone to “decide what changes will be made so that they don’t commit the same crime a second time.”
Ask directly what will help the other person feel better and how you can be more respectful in the future. Also promise to make the necessary changes to avoid repeated insults, whether it’s reading about an issue or paying more attention to what you’re saying. To strengthen and maintain your relationship with the offended person, you need to keep your promises here.
To figure out what changes need to happen, you also need to understand how the resentment came about and why the other person is upset. Brooke Sproul, clinical director and founder of My LA Therapy , said she would advise a client who has offended someone in their life: “Overall, I think expressing empathy and understanding for the pain they have caused is a good start and a sincere apology. If they don’t understand why the person is offended, sincere questions and showing curiosity and concern can also be helpful.”
Don’t blame or assume that the other person is exaggerating. Instead, sincerely ask them why they react the way they do. The insult may have come from a misunderstanding or ignorance, but nothing will be resolved until you figure out what happened and how to prevent it from happening again.