How to Date Someone Who Is in an Open Relationship
There are many ways to meet and many ways to love. Traditional monogamy may be one of them, but not the only one . Many people have questions about how to open their own relationship with a primary partner; but an involved third party—a person who is not in an existing relationship—may have just as many questions about what to do and what to expect when dating someone who is in an open relationship.
How to start dating someone in an open relationship
Let’s say you pick someone whose Tinder bio says “ethically non-monogamous” and go on a date, only to find that you really like that person and want to go on other dates. Before you do this, you need to evaluate how you feel about the situation. Talk openly with the person you’re dating to find out what the rules are in their open relationship and how they choose to abide by them. For example, they may have a rule against spending the night in someone else’s house. Ask yourself if you are okay with them leaving every time you meet, or if those late-night hugs are really important to you.
“First of all, are you comfortable not being the main partner for this person? If not, try to end the relationship and continue looking for someone who shares similar monogamous values. If you’re comfortable, then communication is key,” said Matt Lachman , board certified sex therapist and occasional non-monogamy specialist. “Make sure you and the person who identifies as “open” talk about exactly what that means to them. Do they see more than just you and their primary partner? What are the rules and principles that man has established in his basic relationships? You want to know what is allowed and what is not allowed to keep track of expectations.
Keep in mind that your expectations may also change over time. You may be comfortable with some elements of the relationship for a while, but over time you will find that your interests or feelings change. If you really start to like this person, imagine how you would feel if, say, he has an important work event coming up, but he takes another partner on a date. Be open to changing feelings and address them directly.
Open communication is the key to an open relationship
Even if the person you’re dating has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with your partner, you’re still there. You are still a factor. All three of you—and everyone you date or have close relationships with—are factors. Be direct and have honest conversations about where and how you fit into it.
Liz, who has been dating a man in an open marriage for six years, explained that she met his wife “at the very beginning” of their relationship and considers her a good friend. From Sunday to Wednesday, a man spends with his wife at their house, then spends Thursday and Saturday with Liz, switching off every second Friday. They even vacation together. It works for them, but they had to build this three way understanding. If the relationship between you and the open person gets serious, you may have to do something similar, and avoiding it won’t help anyone.
“We’ve all been jealous at some point, but once you understand that jealousy is just sexual anxiety, it becomes easier to deal with,” Liz said. “Unfortunately, at first you have to talk a lot.
“Make sure you also communicate your needs and desires,” Lachman said. “If you want the relationship to be just physical, say so. If you’re looking for casual dates, make sure you check how you feel throughout the relationship.”
Benefits of dating someone in an open relationship
If you go into this knowing that your feelings and expectations may change—and you accept not only that, but the fact that you may have to end the relationship if you become uncomfortable—you have a real opportunity to learn about yourself.
“There are times when I wish we had a more ‘traditional’ relationship, but to be honest, under no circumstances do I want him to leave his wife. One of the benefits of being a non-wife partner is that I don’t have to deal with any sort of combined income/cohabitation. It’s like he’s going to mow my lawn and all, but my house is my house, it belongs to me, and I can do whatever I want with it,” Liz said, adding that she really appreciates her “lonely time” . Basically, she gets the best of both worlds, having a great partner when she wants and needs one, but her own independence when she wants and needs it.
She also indicated that she has the ability to see other people, and this is not considered cheating or anything potentially threatening to a relationship that she values. It may seem unconventional, but sometimes unconventional approaches work, so don’t be afraid to explore if a setup like this could be good for you.
However, in order to understand all this, you need to learn and go with the flow. Liz pointed out the “learning curve” that she, her partner, and his wife had to go through. There will be things that you will also have to navigate on your own. Lachman suggested researching, listening to podcasts, and even “finding a sex-positive therapist who understands that the CNM community is huge” as your friends and family may not quite understand your choice and you’ll need support.