How to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With a Partner Without Feeling Weird

Everyone has sexual fantasies. Maybe yours includes role playing or BDSM indulgence. Whatever it is, your sexual fantasy turns you on, so it makes sense to share it with your partner. But talking about our sexual fantasies out loud with a partner can make us feel uncomfortable and awkward, especially if you think your fantasies are risky. You may be afraid of your partner’s judgment or rejection, or you may be afraid that your fantasies will reveal something strange about you. While you may feel lonely, according to certified sexologist Alia Moore , it’s a fairly common fear for many of us.

“Confessing to yourself your sexual fantasies can be unsettling; moreover, when you say it out loud to your partner, especially when you don’t know how he will react,” she says. “Some people find it hard enough to talk about sex with a partner. It makes the person feel vulnerable. Add to that the talk of sexual fantasies and you’ll feel more insecure, especially if you think your fantasies are taboo or disgusting.”

Moore says that in addition to the fear of rejection, many people are concerned that their thoughts and fantasies do not match those of their partners.

“You may be afraid to share them because your partner may judge what turns you on,” she says, “or you may be afraid of what your fantasy says about you and your current and past relationships.”

But sharing your sexual fantasies with a partner – and being open to discussing them with you – is important when it comes to establishing trust and intimacy in your relationship. If you blush and expect to be tongue-tied when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner, here’s what to remember to create a safe and comfortable space for both of you.

Remember that sexual fantasies are normal.

Sexual fantasies are not weird or gross; in fact they are normal.

“Sexual fantasies evoke erotic images that we conjure up,” says Moore. “And if you’re wondering if we all have them, yes! Every person has sexual fantasies. Fantasies are inherent in every person. In fact, they provide insight into someone’s personality, relationships, and overall well-being.”

There are many reasons why people fantasize, Moore says, from experiencing various sexual sensations and arousal and satisfying unmet needs, to exploring taboo desires, escaping from reality, and reducing anxiety.

“Taboo or not, all those sexual fantasies in your head don’t mean you’re bad or there’s something wrong with you,” she says. “They don’t even have to mean anything about you. Instead, think of these fantasies as dreams or a way of expressing desires or needs that you have no control over.”

Why you might want to live out your sexual fantasies

Sometimes fantasies are just fantasies. But sometimes our sexual fantasies inspire us to act out them, which, again, Moore emphasizes as completely normal.

“These sexual dreams give people the opportunity to try their desires. And if you try them, the experience may teach you something or more about your sexual preferences. It even prepares you for possible sexual experiences. All this gives a new understanding of your desires and limitations.

Of course, before acting on your sexual fantasy, you need to first talk to your partner, which Moore points out should also include establishing agreement and setting boundaries with your partner before exploring your fantasies.

Even if you don’t plan to act out every fantasy with a consensual partner, Moore says, “Think of these thoughts as aphrodisiacs, adding unique flavors to your regular sex life.”

What is your sexual fantasy?

Before talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies, it is helpful to ask and clarify what your fantasies are and how you would like to act on them with your partner.

Some common fantasies, according to Moore, include sex with multiple partners, such as a threesome or an orgy; engaging in rough sex, perversion, or BDSM; role play (some common roles couples play include boss/employee, professor/student, and doctor/nurse); have sex in public places.

You don’t need to know all the exact details of your fantasy before talking about it with your partner, but knowing what you want and why it turns you on is important to think ahead to help you understand your own desires. It will also give you a better idea of ​​how to answer any questions your partner may have.

“Once you finally admit to yourself these pent-up fantasies, it will be easier for you to communicate them to your partner,” says Moore. “Just think of it this way: you become a good sexual partner when you try to understand your feelings, needs and desires, as well as your partner’s feelings.”

How to talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner

So now you are ready to talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner. How to start?

Moore suggests that you bring this topic up outside of the bedroom or sexual situations. “It gives you and your partner time to think without forcing you to do everything at once,” she says.

Now that you’ve figured out what kind of fantasy or scenario you want to act out or act out, Moore recommends explaining why you want to act out your fantasy and sharing as many details of the scenario that you might like. “The more you go into detail, the more likely your fantasy will develop the way you want it to without making you feel weird or embarrassed,” she says. “Also, the result will be more enjoyable and intimate for you and your partner.”

If you don’t know how to make the conversation easier, Moore offers to share your fantasies with your partner by telling him that you dreamed about him last night. “Something like: “We were in the drama of that period. You were a count and I was your mistress…” The trick here is to offer your fantasy as a compliment. When you include your partner in your fantasy from the very beginning, it becomes clear to him that what you are sharing is just a fantasy and nothing more.

After sharing his sexual fantasies, Moore says it’s important to ask your partner what they think. “It’s just as important to ask your partner if there are scenarios they’ve been thinking about playing out. Answer softly, as your partner answered you.

And if you think one intimate fantasy talk will help, Moore says no. “Conversations about sexual fantasies don’t have to happen once and you’re done. No no. They should include a series of negotiations between partners by mutual agreement.

What to do if your partner rejects your sexual fantasies

Sharing your fantasies with a partner for the first time can be tricky, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. But Moore warns that you should be prepared for your partner’s reaction, which can be positive or negative.

“Before you share or act out any sexual fantasy with your partner, always be prepared for whatever reaction they give you – good or bad. If they are disgusted or react negatively, try another time,” she says.

When that “other time” arrives and you’re ready to open up to your partner again, Moore suggests talking more about the idea and asking them why they feel about your fantasy this way and moving on.

“Perhaps your sexual fantasy does not suit them, or they may have a completely different fantasy. Everything is fine. Different people have different sexual fantasies.”

The most important thing, according to Moore, is to set clear boundaries for those aspects of the fantasy scenario that you or your partner are comfortable with or uncomfortable with. “There’s nothing wrong with trying different ones until you find a few that work for both of you, as long as they’re within your and your partner’s limits.”

How to Explore Your Sexual Fantasies in the Bedroom

If you and your partner have agreed to experiment with one of your fantasies, Moore says, the first thing you need to do is set clear boundaries. “Explain what suits you and what doesn’t in the scenario you want to act out. Remember that healthy boundaries work both ways—not just for you, but for your partner as well.”

She suggests making a list ahead of time of what you both think is sexy and what is off limits. Then set a stopword to stop the action immediately when something becomes uncomfortable or overwhelming for you.

Moores emphasizes that consent is an important aspect of the fulfillment of sexual fantasies throughout the experience. “Both partners must give and receive consent in everything. Even if you have been together for many years with your partner, you must make 100% sure that every action is consensual,” she says. “For example, if you are acting out a punishment scenario, you should let your partner know what is comfortable for you and what is going too far. Are you okay with being called degrading names? Do you prefer verbal and oral punishment or light spanking? Tell your partner about your limits and vice versa.”

According to Moore, consent between sexual partners is critical when playing BDSM. “Every action must be safe, reasonable and consistent (SSC). In addition to agreeing on a safe word, partners must set limits and boundaries and check each other before, during and after the game.”

Discussing your limitations is something that should happen before the bedroom (Moore calls it “negotiation”), but she also advises to better check your partner throughout the scenes. “If something is good for you or your partner once, it does not automatically mean that it will always be so. So be sure to communicate throughout your interaction.”

Then enjoy and enjoy the fact that your sexual fantasy has become a reality. Experiment with costumes, props, and other environments if your imagination requires it, and enjoy the new experience. “After all the planning, don’t overwhelm them all,” says Moore. “The goal of acting out your fantasy is to turn you and your partner on.”

If this is your first time acting out a script or fantasy, she also advises not to be afraid to laugh it off when things don’t go as planned. “Don’t worry if it gets awkward or if you break character. Enjoy the show and move on. It’s either reenacting the sex scene, or finishing it and looking for another script to act out.”

Another tip? Finish your game by leaving. “Post-leaving can be verbal or any attention or time you give your partner after a new (often intense) sexual experience. For example, you can talk about the sex you just had. This last step is very important if you don’t want to end up doing something that only you like and your partner doesn’t.”

Ultimately, even if you both choose not to pursue your fantasies together, Moore says, having honest conversations with your partner “brings you closer and increases your respect for each other.”