How to Recognize an “emotional Vampire” (and Find Out If You Are One)
You don’t need to know what an “emotional vampire” is to know what it really is. What are vampires doing? They suck the blood out of people. So what can we reasonably assume what emotional vampires do? That’s right: they suck the energy out of people. However, determining whether you are surrounded by these vibration-killing leeches or if you yourself are one of them is a little more difficult than determining who they are. Here’s how to recognize emotional and social vampires and make sure you’re not one of them.
How to Spot an Emotional Vampire
You’ll know you’ve been around an emotional vampire when you get home and breathe a sigh of relief to be away from him and still be able to feel his metaphorical fangs. And they can be anywhere: you can meet them in your family, among friends or at work.
“Emotional vampires are so named because they suck the emotional energy out of most people in their lives,” explains Dr. Marni Feuerman , a psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida, and author of Ghosts and Breadcrumbs: Stop Falling in Love with Unavailable Men and enjoy”. Smart about healthy relationships. “ These people are often described as ‘debilitating’ or ‘overwhelming’ as they require constant checking and attention. They often have a major crisis, many complaints, and a “why is life unfair to me” attitude. The relationship is not mutual.”
You may also run into emotional or social vampires while dating.
“I want you to think of the person in your life who energizes you, who makes you feel happy, who gives you confidence,” said Logan Urey, director of relationship science at Hinge. This is your penthouse. They educate you. Now I want you to think of someone who makes you feel small, depressed, de-energized. This is your basement man. They let you down. Another name for a basement person is a “social vampire” – someone who sucks the life out of you. When you’re on a date, ask yourself, “Is this the man from the penthouse or the basement?” This question will help you pay attention to what’s really important and worry less about things that don’t matter.”
In short, if you are dealing with someone who is draining your emotional energy, you will notice if you pay attention to the signs.
How do you know if you are an emotional vampire?
Recognizing the emotional vampires in your life takes some practice and discernment, but it’s nothing compared to what it takes to figure out if you’re not depriving your friends and colleagues of their energy.
“From the point of view of an emotional vampire, they feel that others do not understand them, life is unfair, others do not give them enough help, time and attention,” Feuerman said. “They also find that they often fight with their friends and family or leave them abruptly with no apparent explanation. The best way for an emotional vampire to recognize this is to look back at past and current intimate relationships and see if it seems like a longstanding pattern or a common theme throughout their lives.”
“One of the main components of being an energy vampire is having fuzzy boundaries and relying on your interactions with others to make you feel good,” added Brooke Sproul, clinical director and founder of My LA Therapy and author of the forthcoming book “ Why You Should Date Emotionally Unavailable Men . “[It] can be very tiring and can put people off.”
Ask yourself: Do you have bad boundaries? Do you rely on your interactions with other people for self-soothing, rather than their mutually beneficial communication?
How to deal with emotional vampirism
If you’re an emotional vampire here, take steps to be more aware of your interactions with others – talk less, listen more, and make sure your interactions and conversations are more balanced. Work actively to communicate more with colleagues and friends about their lives. And when you reach out to yourself, be open to feedback.
If you are dealing with someone who is draining your energy, first of all understand that this is not something you just have to or should just deal with. It can be harmful to you if you let it continue.
“An emotional vampire requires such concentration, attention and emotional energy that you won’t have it left,” Feuerman said. “In fact, they seem to thrive on the emotional reactions of others to their life story. Their self-esteem is low. The decisive factor is the lack of self-awareness of how they appear to others in their circle.”
That “there’s nothing left for you” is a matter of serious concern. You deserve happiness, satisfaction, and health, so if someone sucks it out of you, it needs to end. Feuerman recommended three steps you can take to gradually move toward cutting off a person: lower your expectations, stay superficial, and finally limit contact.
But communicate first. State clearly that this person is sucking your energy out of you, and you would like the relationship to be more reciprocal. If they don’t make changes, lower your expectations. From there, Feuerman says, you can keep the relationship going, but you also have the ability to keep any conversation from getting too far. Superficial ways of chatting are less emotionally demanding. Ultimately, even limiting contact will require some communication on your part if you do it responsibly.
“You can set limits on complaints by saying, “I can hear what you are saying. Want to talk about solutions now?” Feuerman said. “You also need to plan your exit strategies ahead of time in case you feel cornered. You can also say “I’m sorry this is happening to you” when they talk about their latest drama. No need to offer help, advice or suggestions.”
Stopping the behavior that drains your energy can show them that they need to change something.