What Is Behavior Mirroring and When Should You Use It?
The next time you dive into a conversation with someone, whether it’s a platonic, romantic, or business conversation, pay attention: are you sitting or standing in the same positions? Do your voices speak at the same volume? Are your hands doing the same?
If so, then one of you is probably (consciously or unconsciously) engaging in the behavior known as mirroring. This psychological technique, also called the “chameleon effect”, is used both tactically by professional network agents and salespeople, and unwittingly by everyone else, to establish strong bonds and increase a sense of trust between people.
What is mirroring?
Mirroring, scientifically known as “limbic synchrony,” is the act of imitating body language, speech patterns, facial expressions, and sometimes even their appearance, in order to establish rapport, gain trust, and promote deeper connection. While it can be used intentionally, in professions that require selling, negotiating, and gaining the trust of others, such as therapy or police investigation, it is often done unintentionally, as an evolutionary by-product of our need to belong. Imitation, as they say, is the sincerest form of flattery (and it can , unless you venture into the creepy ” Fatal Attraction ” territory, make the people you imitate like you more).
In practice, mirroring can take many forms. In couples therapy, partners can be asked to sit facing each other, express their feelings using “I” statements, and repeat verbatim what their partner said (only by changing the personal pronouns). This method of accurate linguistic reflection serves to reflect the feelings of others until they feel sufficiently heard and understood. (Works great with toddlers too.) It also, most importantly, gets each partner to really listen to what the other is saying, rather than planning their rebuttal all the time the other person is talking.
In platonic or business interactions, mirroring can appear as an imitation of the other person’s body language, speech, and facial expressions. If they sit back, you sit back; if they use complex vocabulary, you tap into the SAT word bank; if they start talking louder or quieter, you soften your voice to follow suit. At this point, you might be thinking, “This sounds weird and could backfire.” And you will be right. But first, the benefits.
Does mirroring work?
According to Martha Lauber , a private clinical psychologist in Chicago, mirroring is the best way to resolve an argument. Not only does this force you to listen rather than plan your counterargument: “Everyone thinks the other person is the problem. Mirroring helps you realize that you’re only seeing half of the image.”
According to the Wall Street Journal ,
“Researchers using new brain imaging techniques have recently discovered that this common behavior goes beyond mere mimicry. Scientists using functional fMRI to study listeners and speakers have found they are “dynamically coupled,” with the brains of speakers and listeners responding and adapting to signals from each other, says a 2016 study co-authored with Uri Hasson, associate professor psychology and neuroscience at Princeton University. Dr. Hasson compares this connection to a kind of wireless connection of brains.
The WSJ goes on to note that in any social setting where cooperation is more rewarding than hostility (which is the case in most cases), “such agreement promotes rapprochement and trust.”
A reflection of what can and cannot be done
Mirroring is most effective when done in a subtle, unobtrusive manner, with the intention of evoking empathy or genuine connection. While many people won’t realize this is happening, others will and may take offense at the tactic if it is applied too blatantly.
None of this will work without a basic level of genuine engagement. So, instead of copying everything someone else does, which will be both obvious and annoying, aim for a more subtle approach based on initial rapport. First, focus on making contact with traditional non-verbal cues such as eye contact, smiling, talking directly to the person, and avoiding the mortal sin of looking at the phone.
Once this foundation is established, notice which of their speech patterns, accents, word choices, expressions, hand gestures, and postures seem natural to you, and recreate those on your side of the figurative table. Don’t speak in a pseudo-British accent or sit in an awkward position that feels forced. Focus on small things like: changing the pace or volume of your speech, crossing or spreading your legs, and matching them to expressions of happiness or surprise (which, if you’re a good conversationalist, you’re probably already doing).
Don’t bounce back when emotions are running high. When anger is flowing freely, this is not the time to mimic the other person’s tone and expressions. When it comes to problem solving, wait until the passions have cooled to use mirroring.
The key to effective mirroring is not to be so obvious and deliberate in your approach that it doesn’t come across as haunting, desperate, or making the other person feel like they’re being manipulated. But when used carefully, it can be a powerful way to stimulate brain-to-brain communication , cooperation, empathy, and trust.