When to Show Your “rough” Side in a New Relationship

When you go on a first date, you tend to be the best version of yourself. You are clean, well-groomed, well-dressed, and you have every right to do all this and more. But what happens if this date goes well, like the next few? Before you know it, you’re already in a relationship, and you may be wondering when – or even if – you’ll be able to rip your sweatpants off and show your girlfriend a weaker side of yourself.

Do it right now. No, really. That’s why.

Maintaining the act is hard work

Let’s be blunt: there are people who go to great lengths to hide the fact that they fart and poop from their partners. Don’t be like these people.

I personally knew women who insisted that if their partners found out that they were farting, the “romance” in their union would simply stop. That’s bullshit. Your partner definitely knows that you fart. Running to the bathroom and turning on the faucet at full blast won’t stop them from realizing that you’re a person whose body is giving off gases, but it will make you a little frustrated and completely exhaust you.

The same goes for following a strict washing procedure. Have you ever watched The Marvelous Mrs Maisel? In the first season, there is an episode in which the main character wakes up before her husband, sneaks into the bathroom, dresses up during the day, and goes back to bed so that she looks perfect when he wakes up, and he never woke up. see her without makeup. Doesn’t that sound very burdensome? While the fictional show takes this to the extreme, in real life you may still feel like you need to be put together 24/7 to be accepted. It shouldn’t be; your partner should be taking care of you from the moment you wake up, even if you’re wearing curlers or acne products, as they do all day long.

Hiding the real self is always a problem.

So, the concern of not busting your ass in front of someone or always wearing a cute outfit might seem harmless enough. You can justify this behavior by saying that you just don’t want to be rude, right? In fact, many things can be justified in this way, and small pretense can snowball into big ones. If you are not sexually satisfied, you may not want to be rude and bring this up, for example. End these thoughts right now; relationships are all about openness and honesty, and letting the other person see your face in all its glory without concealer is as much an indicator of openness as your willingness to talk to them about serious issues.

“If you want your partner to think that you never poop and never fart, then what else are you not telling him right now, for fear that he will see you as disgusting, rude, ordinary – whatever it is?” asked Dr. Laurie Beth Bisby , clinical psychologist and sex and intimacy coach. “Usually it’s not just about the farts.”

She said sincerity is always better in a relationship than “that perfect act that people try to act out.” If you find yourself trying to hide small, uncomplicated parts of who you are, quickly stop it before you find yourself hiding more serious things, such as concerns about the direction of a relationship or your true emotions.

If you never let your partner hear you laugh out loud, see you in comfortable clothes, or know that something doesn’t suit you in a partnership, you are not giving him a chance to love the real you or work with you on yourself. anything. It’s unfair to you and unfair to them.

The truth will come out – and there may be consequences

Movies and television largely promote the idea that you should always be perfect, polite, and harmless to your partner. (To be clear, if this is your thing , you should , but of course, then it’s for you, not necessarily for them.) sure that his girlfriend’s body “belongs to her” after she removes the colored contact lenses extensions hair and false nails. His reaction is deeply uncool and misogynistic, but the fear of getting something like that from a partner is still real.

Bisbee noted that if you go to great lengths to hide your natural, human side in a relationship, your partner will not only be stunned when they inevitably see you at a random moment, but may feel like you’re lying. .

“It’s not something you can support, so if you put forward a false self, it’s only a matter of time before the other person sees what’s underneath, at which point you’ve basically been lying. man from the very beginning,” she said. “It often has a negative effect on relationships.”

She noted that while many people do this in a minor way, if you take it to the extreme and, say, never let anyone see you without makeup, you create a kind of fake reality. Bisbee has heard some people give dating advice that boils down to, “Make them love you before you let them see these things.” That, she said, was terrible advice. Eventually, the other person then falls in love with a part of you that is, at best, just part of the whole tapestry of who you are, and at worst, a complete fabrication.

Don’t be afraid to be rejected for being real.

Maybe you’re doubling down on your grooming routine so your new partner can always see you looking your best. Maybe you pretend that you are always working, striving and achieving goals so that they think you are successful. You may be afraid that if they see that you look far from perfect or are messing around, they won’t like you anymore because they’re not used to it.

First, this is probably not true. I received a press release the other day about a survey of 1,000 Americans that showed that 53% of respondents don’t care if their partner wears underwear with holes. Yes, it’s oddly specific – and was done to promote a lingerie brand – but it’s also a little comforting. Your partner probably doesn’t care that you get sloppy sometimes, so you don’t have to be so careful.

Again, they may care. And if they do, Bisbee has a question for you: “Do you really want this partner?”

She continued, “What are you doing with someone who isn’t going to accept all of you?”

If your partner pressures you to always look a certain way, even on days when you’re just lounging at home, or he recoils when you burp so much in bed, he’s probably not for you. They should like you just as much when you make a face mask in a bathrobe as when you are dressed for a party. This is authenticity and reality; making you put on airs is dishonest and manipulative.

Find the golden mean

You need to embrace the “rough” side of yourself early in the relationship so that sincerity and openness can guide both of you all the time. Put on your most shapeless old leggings for the weekend. Ask your partner if you have a booger in your nose. Sleep in your retainer. Be who you really are because you need to be with someone who loves you anyway.

Just not very comfortable. No, you don’t have to be dressed up and shy all the time for them, but you do have to be hygienic and decent – for both of you.

“It’s nice when someone tries for you,” Bisby said. “One of the things I see that happens after people decide to live together is that people stop making the effort.”

She said that you can and should let your guard down completely, but not to the point where the other person thinks you no longer care if they feel special. Keep taking care of yourself. Make time for the gym, hair removal sessions, showers, whatever makes you feel confident. When you feel good, you become happier and your partner will be pleased that you are taking care of yourself and also encouraged to do the same for yourself. Everyone wins.


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