How to Actually Stay Calm During an Argument
You can feel it brewing in the seconds leading up to the big fight. You flush, feel yourself blush, and are suddenly ready to say out loud what you know you can never take back. Quarrels, and even regular quarrels, can permanently ruin a relationship of any kind. If you’re doing one of these, whether it’s with a stranger, a colleague, or a friend, you can never be completely sure of the outcome. You can only hope that the situation does not escalate into violence.
However, in those few seconds, you have a choice. You may not necessarily be in control of the situation, but you can de-escalate yourself . Here are some tips to help you stay calm when things heat up.
Understand why you feel the urge to fight
The desire to fight doesn’t come out of nowhere. It is a product of your temperament, your past experiences, your personal preferences, and your particular situation. Depending on how all these things work together, you may find yourself ready to challenge any moment you feel threatened, feel disrespected, or feel like the other person is getting ready to argue with you. While there is little you can do to avoid a spontaneous moment of tension, you can learn about yourself now so you can better understand your impulses when the time comes.
As success coach Ronnie Bloom explains, “Most people are familiar with fight or flight as the adrenaline-filled reactive state we go into when we feel threatened. [They] are part of a quartet of survival measures. The other two in the family are “freeze” and “fawn”. All four are instinctive responses that help us emotionally and physically survive threats to the best of our ability.”
The “fight” instinct will cause you to take an aggressive stance. The “flight” instinct will make you completely black out. The “freeze” instinct will make it impossible for you to respond to the perceived threat at all. The fawn instinct will see that you are trying to please the other side in order to avoid conflict. Think back to how you handled tense situations in the past. Did you by default cater to people or run away? Your previous experience plays a big role in how you will react in the future. In situations where things didn’t go well for you, if you became assertive or aggressive, you may have learned to avoid that path – or not. Some of us are not embarrassed by past results, some of us may yet have to face the consequences of the struggle. Take the time to study your motives and behaviors and work on understanding yourself so that you can at least avoid looking for situations in which you take your aggression out on someone else, which can only exacerbate your problems.
“In many cases, the ‘fight’ response results in more repercussions and damage than the current situation,” Bloom warned.
De-escalation occurs long before the start of the battle
Self-understanding makes it easier to recognize when a tense situation escalates into an aggressive conflict. However, the essence of the fight/flight/freeze/shop pattern is that these reactions are largely subconscious. Much of the de-escalation work is done well in advance of a possible fight.
“The first thing I think people should know is that if they’re in ‘combat’ [mode], then probably the part of their brain responsible for reason and deliberation is turned off,” says Bloom. “Our brain does this so we don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis when a bear is chasing us. The reason this knowledge is so important, in my opinion, is because it tells us that logic and reason are not the next step. Calming the activation of the mind and body during the “struggle” should be a top priority.” It is important for you to know that you are in a “fight” in the first place, which means that you must feel it as the reasoning has left the building.
She suggested trying to convey the feeling of “fighting” to your body when you’re not actually fighting and noticing how it feels. Ask yourself where this feeling lives in your body – whether it has a color, a shape, a heaviness, a tingle, or a numbness. Determine how the answer feels, using any adjectives, and then memorize them.
“This is a fight,” she said. “You will be able to better recognize this the next time it happens and know how to start the de-escalation process.”
How to actually stay calm in combat
While understanding the origins of the fight response is key when theory becomes practice, there are other things you need to know and do at that point. Bloom suggests getting out of the activation situation if possible, which could mean going to your room, going outside, or heading to the toilet stall.
“The idea is to get into a space where you can safely express that instinct and then calm down,” she says. You can hit the pillow or even scream into it, or find another way to express your aggression. Try opening your notes app and typing whatever you would like to say to the other person at that moment, but don’t actually send it to them.
After you get rid of this aggression, take time to calm yourself: try yoga, eat a special meal, enjoy your favorite music, or do something that gives you pleasure.
“This method of safe expression and reassurance brings you back to a space where reason and logic are back online and at your disposal for decision making and reflection,” says Bloom.
However, she notes that there may be situations where you can’t go to an isolated place. At such moments, breathe deeply and hold back as hard as you can until you can get out. Stay where you are as much as possible, and remember that the consequences of continuing the fight can be severe and long-term.
“Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel,” she said, referring to your possible opportunity to get out of the situation.