Do Opposites Attract More?
No dating cliche has endured quite like the infamous belief that “opposites attract.” Clichés are often based on some kind of truth, and although this cliché has changed a bit over these divided times , there are still elements of honesty in it. Here’s what you need to know about why and how opposites attract, and what you can do to stabilize your relationship with someone who doesn’t look like you.
What does “opposite” even mean?
Before you spend too much time thinking about whether or not you should be with a person like you, think about what “the opposite” means to you in general. You may think in terms of political beliefs or cultural conventions, but there are many ways a person can be different from you—and just like you. You may not agree on who to vote for in local elections, but you can agree on where to raise your children. The trick is to figure out which opposite and similar qualities are important to you and which are not.
“The opposite” is a broad statement, because, for example, what exactly are we talking about?” asked Brooke Sproul, clinical director and founder of My LA Therapy and author of the forthcoming book Why You Should Date Emotionally Unavailable Men. “Are they opposites in terms of their daily energy levels and temperament? Are they opposite in their meanings? Are they opposite in their political views? Are they opposite in terms of how they show affection?”
For example, you may not have the same love language as your partner, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bridge the small difference and work together to find solutions. Focus on what you have in common, but be vigilant if any of your differences fall into your area of disagreement.
So, do opposites still attract?
The “opposites attract” mindset made a bit more sense at one point when people were more limited in their interactions with those in their immediate vicinity and in social circles, and potential partners were most often met at school, work, or in the community. proximity. However, the Internet has so expanded the circle of acquaintances and the ability to test potential partners that this cliché is met with more resistance than before.
“It’s a real generational shift,” said Melissa Hobley, dating coach and chief marketing officer for OkCupid, who said the prevailing rule in the old days was “don’t talk about your views on politics until you’re, well, six months from now.” That’s not the case anymore, she said, and she noticed that agreement on fundamental issues is becoming more and more a requirement for daters before they even agree to a first date.
You have more opportunities than ever to find someone who understands you.
Gone are the days when you could date someone because it’s the best option available. (That’s not to say that someone with great views still won’t be your best bet, but at least you’ll have more opportunities to look around.) These days, it’s easy to figure out whose views and behaviors match yours and whose no. Dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, and Hinge have profile icons that you can activate to let potential partners know, for example, if you smoke, if the person is religious, or if you’re vaccinated against COVID-19. OkCupid recently announced that the Climate Change Advocate badge is returning to its platform just in time for Earth Month, and pointed out that their research shows that this is a major issue that worries daters — even more than world peace — and points to interest in it makes someone statistically more likely to provide a match. There are even special services that select people based on such factors. Lox Club bills itself as “a member-only dating app for Jews with ridiculously high standards”, while Unjected claims, for example, that it is “a platform for unvaccinated people”.
The advent of dedicated dating services and loud and proud profile icons eliminates the risk of dating someone for a while only to find out you disagree when it comes to one of your non-negotiable matters. This is actually very important: Consider last fall’s OkCupid data , which showed that people who indicated they were in favor of choice were almost twice as likely to get a response from another user than those who didn’t. After a Texas law went into effect that effectively banned access to abortion, singles were quick to say what they think on the subject — in the summer of 2021, “pro choice” mentions on OkCupid user profiles increased by 18% — and they got more engagement. in the application because of this.
Just don’t get hung up on dating a clone of yourself.
Okay, it’s easier to find like-minded people these days, but is that always the right thing to do? In its 2021 Singles in America poll, Match found that 46% of the 5,000 singles respondents surveyed said they had dated someone with a different political persuasion. This will certainly be a challenge, but the other person may be worth it.
According to relationship expert Dr. Karen Ruskin , the reason dating someone different is “so appealing” is simply because those different aspects are different : ourselves, which are not instinctive to us, which may be unnatural to us that are not easy to use or are uncomfortable for us,” she said.
She likened the experience of dating someone with different beliefs to exercising rarely used muscles. It has to do with growth, and it can benefit you overall. She and Sproul also pointed out that the cliché is rooted in some serious psychological facts about how we tend to date someone who looks like our parents, especially if we’re looking for some kind of care.
“There’s a lot of pathological type in the culture, ‘Oh, you just repeat the same old patterns, attract terrible people, and keep doing the same thing over and over again.’ It is not true that [we] are repeating the same patterns, but there is a lesson to be learned from that,” Sproul said. “You can’t force yourself to reach out to someone or not reach out to someone. It’s not something that’s under our conscious control.”
So, focus less on whether your potential partner is your “opposite” or just like you, and instead focus on the relationships you can build together. If you’re too nasty in your beliefs, it might not work, but you can grow and learn as you figure it out.