How to Determine If You Have Unresolved Trust Issues (and Overcome Them)
Strong relationships are built on trust, but that trust is also fragile – if you’ve been lied to before, you know how hard it is to get it back. Even if you feel like you’ve moved on from someone who betrayed you in the past, you can still deal with trust issues in less visible ways.
An inability to trust prevents you from fully engaging in a relationship; without trust, you cannot feel vulnerable, close, and safe with another person. But what can you do about it? I spoke with Whitney Goodman , licensed psychotherapist and author of Toxic Positive . Here’s your guide to identifying and overcoming trust issues so you can let your relationship develop to its full potential.
Why we develop issues of trust
Trust issues are a natural result of someone’s trust being broken, especially when it was done by someone they thought they should have trusted. Goodman gives a common example of a person who grew up learning that their parents or guardians did not do what they promised – this person may have problems trusting others in adulthood. Another example is when people have experienced cheating or gaslighting in their relationship.
Signs of trust issues
The difficulty of trusting others manifests itself in different ways. Goodman lists the following signs that someone has trouble trusting others:
- Constantly asking others
- Feeling like people are lying to you
- Constantly seek approval or validation from others
- Using control behaviors, such as having to check someone’s phone or constantly know where they are.
Here are some other signs of trust issues that may be less obvious at first:
- Distance yourself in your relationship by refusing to build trust in the first place
- Always assume the worst in others before they show any logical sign that they might be untrustworthy
- Self-sabotage, such as acting out or otherwise destroying relationships (before the other person has a chance to betray your trust)
If you’ve noticed this behavior in yourself or someone you love, here’s how you can overcome these trust issues.
How to overcome trust issues
Trust is built slowly, and starting an honest, open conversation is the only way to get this process off the ground. To start a conversation about overcoming trust issues, Goodman recommends talking casually about it first and focusing on why it’s so important to you. She gives an example script to start the discussion: “It’s hard for me to trust people because of what I’ve been through. I want you to understand why I do some of these things. Can we talk about it?”
Goodman continues, “When someone is around another person who does what they say, follows through, and allows trust to be built, the person can be healed. You can also learn to trust yourself and practice trusting yourself.” Trust is the foundation of a secure relationship, and the first step to fixing trust issues is to communicate clearly that building trust is a priority.
Trust takes practice
If you’re struggling to trust others, you probably need to work on trusting yourself. Goodman says the only way to develop that kind of self-confidence is through practice: “Checking yourself, looking at the facts, and giving yourself time to build that trust” are all important ways to start trusting yourself.
Trust is not built overnight, but brick by brick. You have to show yourself in small moments and make promises to yourself that you can keep. Only then will you have a foundation to start trusting others again.