How to Recognize Your Partner’s “bids” to Connect and Possibly Save Your Relationship
Communication is key in any relationship, but everyday life — from work, kids, and household chores to our attachment to our phones — can make it difficult to communicate and sync regularly with our partner. When relationships run into trouble, it’s not always clear what we need to do to develop a healthier and closer bond. But perhaps all that is needed is to pay a little more attention to what the Gottman Institute calls “connection applications.”
The phrase “connection applications” was coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, which uses a research-based approach to relationship counseling. In his book The Relationship Cure , John Gottman writes that he found that the most successful couples he studied were those who were simply more attentive to each other—and he calls “sentences” “the basic unit of emotional communication.” Essentially, they are requests for connection that can be communicated verbally, physically, or sexually. They can be big, small, funny, or serious, but they all basically ask the same question: “Can you pay attention to me?”
“Connection bids are fundamental to the emotional health of a relationship,” says Rebecca Phillips, Gottman-trained licensed professional counselor and Mend Modern Therapy operator. “Applications strengthen relationships by adding value that accumulates over time. The stronger the relationship, the better you and your partner will be able to withstand the challenges that will inevitably arise in the relationship.”
According to Phillips, every time you approach your partner’s offer, you are essentially making a deposit into your emotional bank account. However, every time you turn away, you are essentially walking away.
“Rejecting your partner’s bets creates distance and a gap,” she says. “It’s incredibly unhealthy for relationships.”
It can be difficult to identify a connection request since you and your partner are probably doing it all the time without even realizing it. For example, when your partner sends you a funny GIF as text, you can smile and reply with a simple “nice” or just shrug your shoulders and say nothing at all. Maybe from your point of view, a funny GIF doesn’t matter much. However, the funny GIF is actually your partner sending you a connection request.
You might be thinking, “But I’m busy! I can’t reply to every gif!” It’s one thing if you’re occasionally overworked and unable to respond, but if you constantly turn your back on your partner’s attempts to connect, your intimacy will slowly erode over time.
“Rejection caused by rejection or opposition is more responsible for breaking up a relationship than infidelity,” says Phillips. “Referring to your partner’s suggestions builds the foundation for trust, emotional connection, and satisfaction.”
In the example above, simply shooting “LOL” or some other funny GIF in the back of your partner is enough to keep the connection going.
If you don’t know how to apply for a connection, or what a connection offer might sound like, here are a few more examples to consider.
Your partner asks about your day
“Perhaps the most common connection attempt is to ask your partner how their day went,” says Phillips. “If you ask your partner how their day went, you might just get a short answer of good, bad, or good. But if you ask your partner to tell you how his day went, you are essentially asking him to turn to your bet. Open-ended questions help facilitate the sequence of sentences.”
Appeal: If your partner asks how your day went, Phillips says it’s important to turn to his proposal, answer thoughtfully and start a discussion by asking him about their suggestions. “Showing interest and keeping the conversation going is key. Reflect on the various parts of what they are saying to you and ask questions to keep the conversation going.”
In the same way, while talking about their day, your partner can also talk about theirs. If they had a hard day, ask them why and how they feel. Ask them how you can help them feel better. If they had a good day, show your support – ask them why it was so great and show them that you’re happy they had a great day by hugging them and smiling.
Turning away: One-word responses such as “okay”, “okay”, “good”, or no specifics in general.
Your partner lets out an annoyed sigh
You are sitting on the couch after work and your partner lets out a sigh, signaling that something is wrong.
“If your partner lets out an exasperated sigh, you can turn to his offer, asking if he’s okay, or find out what’s on his mind,” says Phillips. “Reaching out to them means you’re showing interest and asking questions.”
Appeal: “Are you okay? What are you thinking?” “Would you like to share what’s going on with me? “That doesn’t sound good. Tell me about it.”
Turn away: roll your eyes and ask, “What’s wrong now?”
Your partner hugs you
“Physical touch is a subtle but important bid for rapport,” says Phillips. “If your partner comes up and hugs you while you’re busy with another task, you may not think much of it. But pausing what you’re doing so that you can be fully present with your partner is a powerful way to turn on their bid. Your answer will affect your partner’s feelings at that moment. Your response may make them feel bound or rejected.”
Turning around: accept their hugs and/or give another way of physical contact. Maybe kiss them or hug them. Be fully present with them as you hold them, even if it’s only for a moment or two. You can even ask them if they need anything else (although in most cases your comfort in a hug is enough).
Turning away: drop hugs. Tell them, “I’m not in the mood.”
Your partner shoots you with a flirty look
Flirting is still important in your relationship, whether it’s been two years or 20 years. An example that Phillips shares involves you and your partner getting ready for bed. You stand at the sink brushing your teeth as your partner gets out of the shower.
“You make eye contact while you’re busy doing other things, but there’s a point where you might decide to continue as usual or to flirtatiously look at your partner,” she says. “A flirtatious look will likely convince your partner that you still find them attractive, which will ultimately make them feel more connected and secure in the relationship.”
Turning to the side: you look coquettishly into his eyes. You can even gently squeeze his hand or pat his buttocks. You can say, “You’re so hot/beautiful/beautiful.” If you’re in the mood for sex, you can even kiss them and let them know. If not, even a flirtatious smile is a great way to connect.
Averting: You avoid and/or ignore eye contact and just keep doing what you’re doing.
Your partner expresses or shares frustration about what happened at work
The expression is mainly used as a way for most of us to get rid of something and serves as an opportunity for us to be heard and seen. While it’s easy to see that our partner is just complaining, it’s an opportunity for us to show support and empathy.
Turning to: “Instead of trying to comfort your partner, you are confirming their frustration,” says Phillips. “It can come across as teasing your partner’s boss or an unreasonable client they had to deal with. Empathy and laughter with your partner will help them feel safe enough to share their feelings with you. And it will make them feel better and less alone in an upsetting situation.”
Turning away: Telling your partner to “calm down” or devalue them, such as by saying, “It doesn’t really matter. Cheer up.” Give them unsolicited advice. Or just nod your head and say, “Mmmm, that sucks” while looking at your phone.
“Every day you spend with your partner involves betting on bonding,” says Phillips. “Notice that your partner will share a story or concern, send a text message, attempt to show physical affection, or even just sigh in annoyance.”