How to Get Your Stuff Back After a Bad Breakup
You just went through a tough breakup. After you’ve compiled Adele’s sad playlists, emptied your tissue boxes, and dealt with the emotional and mental fallout, here comes one of the hardest parts of the tragic ordeal – you have to figure out how to get your stuff back from your ex.
If you broke up amicably, this step is pretty easy (even if it’s a little awkward) – it’s usually just a matter of reaching out to your ex and finding a day and time that works for both parties so you can jump on it. your favorite sweater, vinyl collection, and anything else you want to return (they can probably leave a used tube of toothpaste behind). But if you’ve had a tough breakup, things are a little more complicated.
“When it comes to getting things out of an ex, the ease—or the difficulty—of a situation often depends on the nature of the breakup,” says Dr. Carla Marie Manley , psychologist and author ofSmart Dating: Transform Your Relationships and Love Without Fear. . “If you have an acrimonious relationship with an ex, finding personal belongings can be a lot more difficult. Where relationships are broken, more diplomacy is often needed.”
Of course, every breakup situation is different, and every relationship has its own nuances, but here are a few tricks to help you navigate the situation.
Show a little kindness (and be a little vulnerable)
While kindness and vulnerability might be the last thing you want to express to your ex, Manly says it might be the best way to get your stuff back with as little annoyance as possible.
First, she offers to contact you through your ex’s preferred method of communication – phone, text, or email. Then, when talking to your ex, she says it’s best to use a kind, respectful, and direct approach.
“It is important to avoid any negative inflammatory comments. Let your ex know what you need, acknowledge that it’s a stressful or difficult situation, and ask for multiple times and dates that will work best.”
Her sample scenario: “I’m sad that things are complicated between us right now, and I’m not going to cause you any more stress. I want to collect my personal belongings so we can both move on. Please let me know a few dates and times that fit your schedule. I want to do my best to meet your needs.”
Take the big road
Even if your ex replies with a negative comment, Manly recommends staying respectful and kind, choosing other options that work best for both of you.
“If it’s just a few small items, mailing the items might be a good option. However, if larger items or lots of boxes are involved, and if one or both parties do not wish to have access to a former shared home or residence, the former partners can often agree to leave the items in a safe outdoor location (such as a locked patio). to search at a specific time.
If both you and your ex have an aversion to physical interaction with each other, Manly says it’s important to retrieve items in a way that satisfies that need.
“If the situation is at all unstable, it’s best to enlist the help of a neutral third party to retrieve the items – this could include asking a mutual friend to pick up the items or even hire a moving company.” She adds that if you want to avoid a bigger explosion, “it’s prudent not to involve a new partner in finding personal items.”
How to handle common elements
Depending on how serious and lengthy your relationship has been, there are likely things in common that need to be shared, such as furniture, appliances, and technology.
Ideally, Manley suggests that ex-partners create a spreadsheet listing the types and costs of items purchased together, and then agree to keep or purchase the most significant items.
However, in a more intense breakup situation, extracting or “separating” things in common can turn into a battle for financial loss or gain, Manley says.
“In many ways, the items are more symbolic than financial. If the breakup was abrupt, physical objects can become leverage; In such situations, battles for power and control often arise. In fact, ex-partners’ anger or bitterness often denies things to ex-partners simply out of anger and resentment.”
That’s why Matthew Kreutzer , a Virginia divorce attorney, recommends that couples be open and honest with each other during a breakup when it comes to their shared property.
“First of all, talking openly can save time and money on legal costs and legal fees down the road,” he says. “Unfortunately, most cases are due to a lack of communication. These negotiations are uncomfortable, but necessary for your long-term financial security.”
What if your ex doesn’t give up your stuff?
If you can’t have a respectful and effective conversation with your ex about dividing your property, or your ex refuses to return your stuff, Kreutzer says you could end up in court.
“The judiciary is used to dividing up assets and resolving disputes between people who are no longer together,” he says. “However, this can lead to costly legal fees.”
Depending on the item in question, the court will need to provide proof of ownership, Kreitzer said. For example, if it is a vehicle, you will need title and registration papers. If this is your dog? Get veterinary bills and registration. Personal property? Get receipts and sales receipts.
If you don’t want to mess around with legal fees (and who does?), Manley suggests using the following script: “I understand that we have combined items to separate them. I created a table to help us find a fair solution. If you like it, we can go back and forth through the selection of items – one at a time – until all the items are separated.”
Use an intermediary if necessary
Sometimes talking to an ex is not an option. If this is the case, Manley suggests seeking help from a mutual friend or, if necessary, an intermediary to help split the assets or act as an intermediary when it comes to communication.
In some cases, especially if things seem small, Manley says that in the end, the hassle of getting things from an ex might not be worth it. In this case, “it would be wise to be prepared to leave in order to spare yourself further stress.”