Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner (and What to Say Instead)
To have a productive, satisfying, and long-term relationship, we need to be aware of many things. Our own triggers and emotional baggage, our partner’s needs and love language, and how we talk to each other, especially when conflict arises. Our partner’s words can ring in our ears and weigh on our hearts for months or longer. They can make us feel submissive or empowered, uplifted or downtrodden.
For the relationship to have the best chance of success in the long run, avoid these defensive phrases and consider alternatives that will help you walk away from disagreements with more empathy and understanding.
“I’m sorry you feel this way”
Relationship 101: An apology that “apologizes” for how someone feels is not an apology. Should we remember and empathize with how our partner feels? Absolutely. But if they are upset about what we have done, the first thing to do is to take responsibility on our part.
In any relationship, personal or professional, taking responsibility for your behavior will go further and faster to make amends than turning your attention to the other person. In general, “I” statements are more productive than “you” statements in resolving conflict because “I” indicates belonging and “you” usually indicates guilt. Try, “I’m sorry I ___ and it made you feel ___.”
“Whatever”
If there’s a more disparaging answer than “whatever”, I’m not sure what it is. The poor man’s “I don’t care” instantly minimizes and shuts down what your partner says. These words not only make the speaker look like a sullen teenager, but also make the interlocutor feel rejected and devalued. If you are really too angry at the moment to take into account what your partner is saying, postpone the discussion until you have had a chance to cool off. For example: “It’s hard for me to talk about this right now. Can we pause and come back to this later?”
“Relax” or “calm down”
Like gasoline on a fire, telling an upset person to relax or calm down is a sure way to sharpen their negative emotions. The words “relax” and “calm down” do not at all express genuine curiosity or an attempt to improve the well-being of a partner and indicate a desire to control and stop emotions that make us feel aroused or uncomfortable.
When it comes to interacting with someone who is experiencing strong emotions, no matter how difficult it may be, the best approach is to remain calm. (Interestingly, this is what parenting experts recommend when dealing with a frustrated child. If you’re a parent, it’s time to remember these kid-flapping techniques and adapt them respectfully here.) Instead of implying that your partner is overreacting— Another way to discount your experience is to try, “I can see you are very upset. Can you help me understand why?” Or “I want to help, but it’s hard for me to hear you right now. Can we take a breath first and then continue?”
“Ever and never”
The words “always” and “never” are subjective and hardly true when it comes to relationships. They mean absolutes; that there is no time when a certain behavior occurs or does not occur. As licensed clinical consultant Julien Derix points out, “always and never” statements are most often used in an accusatory and argumentative manner, leading to a defensive reaction to clarify exaggeration or untruth.
Instead of breaking the conversation by provoking a defensive reaction, try phrases that begin with the words “I notice that …” or “It seems …”. Another approach is to link your feelings to the behavior you want to improve. , for example, “I feel (loneliness in household chores) when you (don’t take out the trash).” After all, would you rather hear, “It hurts me when you don’t ask how my day was” or “You never ask how my day was”?
“Nothing”
When we’re angry or upset, it’s obvious, especially to the person we live with, who (supposedly) knows us best. Trying to deny that anything is wrong will only sideline the problem and potentially anger our partners, who will now have to “dig” to find out what’s bothering us or risk being accused of indifference. As marriage and family therapist Dr. Andrea Brandt writes for Psychology Today , ” Nothing really means, ‘Of course I’m upset, but I’m afraid to bring up a topic that might cause a fight, so I’m going to provoke you.’ to start one for me.” Brandt continues: “The next time your partner says, ‘Nothing,’ say, ‘That answer will only lead us into a fight. When you’re ready to talk about it, I’ll be here to listen .”
Labeling
In a relationship, name-calling should be avoided at all costs. Even after an apology, it is unlikely that your partner will soon (and possibly even) forget the unpleasant words that you said to him during an argument. They may wonder forever if, deep down, you really see them like this, and begin to lose confidence in you and your affection. If you feel angry enough to insult your partner, step back from the conversation until you’ve calmed down enough to speak productively or risk irreparable long-term damage.
“Why don’t you ever…”
Questions that begin with this verbiage quickly disappear. Like “always” and “never”, this phrase implies a constant violation that your partner is likely to perceive as criticism. Instead of “Why don’t you ever offer to plan our dates?” try to either 1) compliment the behavior you want to see more of, or 2) make a direct request. “It’s such a relief when you choose a restaurant and place an order, I love it!” or “I really appreciate it when you take the initiative to host a party for us. Can we make this a regular thing?”