How to Date Someone Who Is Very Online When You Are Very Offline (and Vice Versa)
When we talk about someone who is “extremely online” it’s pretty literal. This is someone who knows – and references – all the latest memes, not the outdated ones that peaked three weeks ago. They are always on Twitter and if not participating in the daily discourse, then at least watching it. They know all the news of the day and know too much about figures like Bari Weiss or Ben Shapiro. They can repeat practice tweets, know what a milkshake duck is, and speak in TikTok audios. Many of the things they talk about are alien to normal people who have regular jobs during the day, don’t use social media during work hours or in the evening, and get their news from newspapers or TV.
It’s normal to be extremely online. Many of us. But when one offline person is in a relationship with an extremely online person, friction can arise. Here’s how to fight.
Decide together whether you will participate in their online presence.
If you’re dating a poster, decide ahead of time if you want to participate in their content. It may seem frivolous or simple, but it can make a big difference in the long run. Someone with a big online presence has to commodify many parts of their lives. If you become a character in their web storyline, their followers may expect to see you frequently, and the relationship may begin to feel like there is an element of work to it. If you don’t want to turn parts of your partnership into actual work or performance, be honest. If you do, set some boundaries about how, when, and where you want to be filmed or discussed. We all follow the authorities who are in a relationship. Some of them keep these things under wraps and stick to product reviews or tutorials, while others place their significant other prominently in everything they upload. Consider your point of view as a consumer. What do you expect from those who publish their relationships? Whether you realize it or not, you are probably expecting a lot of personal details and updates. Being invested in a couple’s life is not uncommon, but it certainly takes parasocial relationships to a new and unique level.
The downside to this is obvious. TikTok stars, for example, had to make big public announcements when they broke up. Imagine that you need to write a script, shoot and edit something like that. Sounds awful. When your relationship is part of one or both of your online outlets, you get into a situation where you have to share everything – even sad things. If you’re not ready to commodify your personal connection, don’t.
Ashley Gross, a 27-year-old content creator with 40,000 Instagram followers and 125,000 Twitter followers , was already online when she met her current boyfriend, who maintains a private Instagram account but appears regularly on her posts. She said she and her boyfriend never had a “formal” conversation about her job requiring her to be online, but “he knew when we started dating that my online persona is pretty much my job”. She said that he will ask her not to publish some things about him, and she always respects his wishes.
She also found that once she was booed, her very content changed. Where she once posted “sexy and explicit jokes,” she noticed that she felt disrespectful to her boyfriend when they started dating, stopped posting stuff like that, and instantly lost 5,000 followers. For people like Gross, for whom posting is literally a job, this can be an important factor to consider. If she chose to keep her more sassy branding, it would require, you guessed it, a long conversation about online characters, real-life identities, and any issues that might arise between the two.
Basically, it takes a lot of communication to navigate this unique situation.
R. S. Maxwell , a conservative influencer and reporter with 22,000 Instagram followers and a fiancee who maintains a personal account, said open communication is “important”.
“You can’t pretend that one partner with a public online identity won’t create their own problems, but discussing these things early and often will minimize the privacy, jealousy or trust issues that can arise,” he said. . “Most likely you’ve already discussed how your life is different, but I think discussing how your life is different online is the key to intimacy.”
If you have a lot of followers, set boundaries for them as well. Make it clear to your followers that your partner is not an influencer or content creator, has not signed up to be bombarded with questions or comments, and followers have no right to personal information about them or your relationship.
Set a time to chat without a phone
Infinite scrolling is real. For people who work in media, marketing, digital spaces, technology, or any job where they are easily distracted, scrolling can happen all day and into the night, blurring the lines between off and on. This is such a noticeable phenomenon in our time that applications even warn against it. You can set timers on Instagram so you don’t spend too much time there. TikTok regularly interrupts the scroll with a gentle suggestion to put down the phone. Co-Star, one of the many astrology apps I use, told me this morning that infinite scrolling is on my list of things not to do today. (I should also avoid “posturing” and embrace “ocean” and “second hand bookstores,” apparently.)
In the same way that apps encourage you to spend your tech-free time, you should also be looking for something in your relationship. While it’s fun to meet someone who’s up to date with the latest news and events, it’s not as fun when they’re more consumed by this flow of information than the actions you’re currently doing. Set clear times for using your phone and computer, and then stick to it. For example, make it a rule that no one checks social media during dinner and does not use the phone after 20:00.
Find offline hobbies you enjoy together. Watching shows can be fun and easy. You may run into some trouble if you choose to work out, hike, or explore the world of haute cuisine; these are activities that the extremely online world love to photograph and share. It might be good though. Just set expectations ahead of time.
Gross said that her boyfriend asked her for time without her phone when he can fully capture her attention, and she agrees. “If someone doesn’t want to do it, it’s such a blatant sign of disrespect, like they don’t even deserve your full attention,” she said. “Review your priorities and ask if they match the other person’s. If they don’t understand where you come from and can’t empathize with you, do you really want to date this person?”
Speak up if it’s gone too far
You can find anything on the Internet. You already know this. Think back to middle school or high school when you first discovered Rule 34 (“If it exists, there is porn about it”) and saw all of your favorite fictional characters, mascots, household items, and public figures modeled in NSFW scripts. You can find the answer to any question on Google, get lost in the rabbit holes of Wikipedia, or make friends who share your highly specialized interests. In many ways, this abundance of information and resources is a good thing.
It can also lead to some less than good things. For example, if your partner gets too carried away with petty speculation or even conspiracy theories , you might feel like you’re talking to someone from another planet.
Here we can and should speak. If one person’s digital behavior is affecting your relationship, it’s worth mentioning and working through. Be calm and direct, explain that you feel neglected or left out, and say that you would like to help your partner cut down on screen time. If they’re not interested, it could be a sign that they don’t feel the same way about the relationship as you do and it’s time to move on.
“Transparency is key,” Gross said, noting that open conversations about social media and phone use are important in a relationship, whether one person is paid to post or simply obsessed with scrolling.