These Are the Best Ways to Show Love Based on Your Partner’s Love Language.
Whatever your opinion of Dr. Gary Chapman and his “5 Love Languages” (some say it revolutionized their marriage ; others say Chapman, a Baptist pastor with a doctorate in adult education, is a ” therapeutic con man “), you can’t deny that the idea he made popular – focusing on showing love and affection to our romantic partners in the way they naturally prefer – is a worthy effort.
In case you need to brush up on Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Eternal Love, introduced the concept that every person has a primary love language in which they prefer to receive and give love. These are either acts of service, words of encouragement, physical touch, receiving gifts, or quality time spent . (To find out yours, take the quiz here .) If your primary love language is different from your partner’s, you may be wondering how to fill their love reservoir. Here are some ideas.
Service Acts
People whose love language is acts of service feel most loved when others give them help and support, even if they are not asked for it. Some significant acts of service include:
- Fill up your partner’s gas tank when it runs out or take his car to a service.
- Taking care of household chores they usually do (especially if it’s something they’re afraid of, like planning meals or folding laundry).
- Doing some protracted task that neither of you enjoys, such as hanging a heavy picture or cleaning the garage.
- Cooking their favorite dish without a special occasion, or unexpectedly cooking dinner for them.
- Getting the supplies they need for a project, or taking care of home entertainment (kids!) so they can work stress-free.
- Take the lead in planning an excursion or family trip.
- Doing all the research and comparison shopping for the big purchase they want to make (new bike, TV, computer).
- Giving them a full day of “freedom” from family responsibilities and organizing their favorite activities (golf, spa day, brunch with friends, or a party with a boyfriend).
Words of Confirmation
This group thrives when they receive praise, appreciation, compliments, and encouragement. Here are some ways to give meaningful words of affirmation beyond “Great job.”
- Say “I love you” more often and phrases that begin with “I appreciate it when you…” or “I’m so impressed that you…”
- Leave encouraging voice messages or text messages when they are nervous about having to do something.
- Send them a love letter to find it in the mailbox among catalogs and invoices.
- Send them an acrostic with a descriptive, complementary word for each letter of their name.
- Leave cute stickers in the most unexpected places around the house (in a stack of jeans, in the dishwasher, on the bathroom mirror).
- Compliment them in front of others.
- Post on social media how proud you are of what they have achieved.
physical touch
When physical touch is your love language, what you crave most is the tactile expression of love. Here’s how to incorporate more physical touch into your routine (besides the obvious frequent hugs, kisses, and sex).
- Do things together that require touch: go ice skating, rollerblading, or hitting an indoor climbing wall.
- Go to ballroom dancing or swing lessons together.
- Offer foot, neck, head or shoulder massages.
- Spontaneously hold their hand while in public.
- Offer quick touches like a head scratch, a kiss on the cheek, or a hand squeeze every time you walk past them.
quality time
For lovers of quality time, there is nothing better than being close to your partner, no matter what the two of you are up to. From casual encounters to eventful events, they love nothing but your undivided attention.
- Set up a weekly date, hire a babysitter, and make it a “no phones” rule.
- Check in often with text messages, calls, or trips to where they are in the house.
- Pick them up from work or a friend’s house and take them to dinner or an impromptu picnic.
- Run errands together or accompany them to the next meeting.
- Ask about their to-do list and plan a trip together.
- Go to bed at the same time as your partner.
- Take a cooking class together.
- Maintain continuous eye contact while talking to them (don’t be distracted by the phone).
Receiving gifts
Everyone loves to receive gifts. But if it’s your partner’s primary love language, they may need some extra, out-of-the-box attention when it comes to gifts.
- Order something from their Amazon wish list or something that was in their online shopping cart.
- Check out their favorite beauty products or gadgets/tools and give them a new tube of their favorite lipstick or t-shirt for no particular reason.
- Bring them something, no matter how small or inexpensive, that will remind you of them (also a small gift when you get back from your business trip).
- Put together a photo album or photo frame collage of special moments.
- Enlist the help of their close friends to brainstorm and personalize “just because” gifts outside of holidays and birthdays.