Fuck Valentine’s Day Flowers (and What to Give Instead)
Your opinion on Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter. “But the holiday is!” You scream. “All holidays are made up,” I calmly replied. “We live in a society.”
Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. No matter how badly you want to stick it in the Hallmark Industrial Complex, and no matter how much your loved one assures you they ” don’t really want presents,” the fact is that we’ve all been conditioned to feel the need to satisfy bare minimum for romantic gifts every February 14th And no, you’re not going to successfully overcome a lifetime of Valentine’s propaganda by deciding to be tough on your partner on the gift front. Hallmark will never know about your act of resistance, but your loved one will for sure.
So you should get roses? What do the different colors represent again? Lilies are equally romantic, or are they being faux pas? I have an answer to all your bouquet-related woes: Valentine’s Day flowers are overpriced. Seriously. Even if you opt for dozens of red roses, you still need one more gift for them on top, ideally something way more thoughtful and way less clichéd.
To make your life harder, every gift list on the internet seems to think that all women are dangerously addicted to pink, and that all men literally live in the woods. That’s why I’ve broken down the most important elements of a romantic gift so you can successfully figure out the perfect gesture over the next few days. That’s why you should scrap Valentine’s Day flowers in favor of these ideas that are more creative, cost effective and meaningful.
Flowers crappy love metaphor
Vases, and can also be flower coffins. You can shell out about $50 for a decent bouquet, only these flowers will die before your eyes in the coming weeks. Do you really want a gift for someone that says, “Hey, are these flowers fleeting—just like our love?” I’m just saying.
More importantly, the flower industry has a major impact on the environment and workers. The International Council on Clean Transportation estimates that Valentine’s Day flowers grown in Colombia and delivered to US airports produced about 360,000 metric tons of CO2 in 2018. This is roughly equivalent to 78,000 driven cars in one year . That’s not to mention all the plastic waste created by the individually wrapped bouquets.
I’m not going to go so far as to say that you are doing something wrong by getting someone flowers. Many people will cherish the gesture! But if you’re not sure how your Valentine feels about bouquets, here are some guidelines to show them you care with more personalized gift ideas.
memory capture
Show your love with a drive down memory lane. Framing can be expensive, but unlike flowers, it symbolizes constancy. When we got used to having all our photos inside our phones, taking the time to print and frame is one thoughtful way to show how much your memories mean to you.
Other ideas in this Memories category: A personal journal, love letter scraps, and even an iMovie photo montage set for your favorite songs.
Find a way to say “spoil yourself”
Self-help is always appreciated, especially if you are able to splurge on something your Valentine would never get for yourself. The secret is to combine the individual elements for a curated “spoil” package. The candle itself is good. A candle with a bath bomb, slippers and whiskey cubes? You have now created a DIY Decadence Day.
Here’s the most heteronormative thing I’ll be writing today: Fellas, don’t get girl lotion. She knows what kind of lotion she likes and she’s already had enough.
Promise experience
If you’re investing in the overall experience later, try to find a physical representation of it wrapping up right now. Some ideas are a new game to play at night, a couple’s bucket list, or a printable surprise concert ticket.
Show that you are listening
Remember that your Valentine’s gift doesn’t need to be romance themed. Personalization is the most important thing here. Do they have a favorite hot sauce that you can only get at a local restaurant? do they need new merch for their favorite sports team? Do they need new headphones in a few months? This assumes that you have really paid attention to your special someone for some time. Otherwise, wring out every word they say from now until February 14th gift ideas.
Cook fancy meals (alone or together!)
My advice here is to turn home cooking into a date night. You could make a show giving away all the individual ingredients, or you could print out a personalized menu to elevate the fine dining experience at home. Even if you’re not a chef, cooking together hits basically every love language :
- quality time. Put on some music while you cook together.
- Service deeds. You are literally feeding them.
- Receiving gifts. A plate of spaghetti is always a gift.
- Physical touch: Hand while stirring the marinara sauce.
- Words of affirmation: “You are such a good cook!” “Not you!” “Let’s stay together forever.” See?
Classic Personalize Valentine
Instead of flowers, what about succulents? Or any other plant that can become a more permanent, less cliché fixture in their home? (Maybe not any otherplant. Although I think ficus can be strong romantically.)
Instead of being limited to overpriced chocolates, why not get some treats that are actually your Valentine’s favorites? Maybe that means one of those giant cans of flavored popcorn, or personally cooking a bunch of beef jerky. Again, if you’re really not sure what to buy, most people will be happy to see this heart shaped box.
After all, it’s really a thought. If your thoughts are about how much you care about this person, then that feeling should shine through any gift you receive. And if that gift turns out to be flowers, I won’t stop you. Happy Valentine’s Day, from one cynical bastard to another.