How to Tell If You Are in a Dysfunctional Relationship
Relationships should be stable, nurturing, and safe. This is supposed to add value to your life by giving you a partner who can support you, celebrate with you, and make your days better. In turn, you are expected to do it for them, too, but it is easy to give yourself completely to someone else when you feel safe and loved. However, not all relationships are like that; some of them don’t work.
It can be difficult to recognize a dysfunctional relationship when you are the only one involved. Deteriorating relationships can occur slowly and gradually over time; You may not realize this until you find yourself in a bad place for a while. Here’s how to recognize a dysfunctional relationship if you (or someone you love) can be in it.
Assess your own feelings
Are you very nervous? When your partner texting you, you get a fit of anxiety, wondering if they are going to ruin your day with anger or other forms of negativity? Truly test your emotions, both when you are with them and when you are apart. If you feel more relaxed and comfortable away from them, don’t hide it from yourself. You need to feel secure in your relationship. Above all, it should not exacerbate existing stresses in your life, such as work, school, or family. There are many unavoidable stressors; your relationship should function as a safe haven that allows you to regroup and solve problems with a supportive partner at your side, rather than exacerbate your problems.
“The goal of relationships is to improve your life,” said Laurel House, an expert on harmonious relationships. “You’re better off in some way because you’re together. While they shouldn’t be your main source of happiness, their presence creates more happiness, tranquility, comfort, excitement, inspiration, or whatever other positive emotion you’re looking for. Dysfunctional relationships create stress, sadness, fear, insecurity, loss of self, loss of self-esteem, feelings of exhaustion, and any other negative feelings you don’t expect. “
Read these lines to yourself. Happiness and comfort are good. Fear and insecurity are negative. Really level with yourself. Which of these groups of feelings do you identify more with when you think about your partner? If it’s negative, you may have a dysfunctional relationship.
Be vigilant and watch out for red flags from the start
Sunk cost error is a term that is often used in the economic world, but it also applies to relationships. Basically, the error occurs when you think, “I’ve already put so much [time / money / energy] into this business; I cannot leave now. “
It’s really easy, especially if you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a long time. This is why there are so many dysfunctional relationships. After enough months or years have passed, you begin to feel like you’ve wasted too much time on all of this, so you might as well continue. Sometimes this feeling can prevent you from taking an honest look at your situation. Don’t pick blinkers here.
First of all, this is the reason it is called a sunk cost error . This is an unreasonable or fair way of thinking. You can always leave – and if you find yourself in a bad situation, you deserve it. But there are also ways to spot bad relationships early and not go deeper into them.
Kate McLean, dating and relationship expert at Plenty of Fish , told Lifehacker about a few red flags to watch out for: If someone is delaying meeting you with their friends and family, showing tenacious behavior, and / or constantly linking on their ex “crazy”, be careful. These are early warning signs that your relationship with this person may be dysfunctional.
“It’s hard to see anything other than butterflies on a first date, but there are ways to keep hope and excitement while keeping in mind certain behaviors that could signal future dysfunction. Especially in the early days, you want to be with someone you feel comfortable with, respond to your messages quickly and in a timely manner, and can support you in your success while maintaining your independence. If you have any doubts about any of the above, it may be time to take a closer look at whether maintaining this relationship is worthwhile, ”McLean said.
Take steps to avoid disruption
We are not here to tell you that your relationship cannot be saved. May be. Feel it and make the safest decision for yourself. If you really want to fix it – or avoid escalating into dysfunction before it even starts – you need to express yourself and be open to what your partner has to say.
“Communicating your wants, needs, and expectations clearly is critical to avoid getting into a dysfunctional dating experience,” McLean said, suggesting that you be clear about your expectations in the relationship, be honest about your needs, and embrace vulnerability.
House said, “Not all dysfunctional relationships can be salvaged. In less extreme cases, when there is no physical or psychological abuse, dysfunctional relationships can be maintained. Both partners need to be aware of the problem and actively make changes – both large and small – to stop the cycle. Moment by moment presence is needed to break the micro-habits that contribute to dysfunction. Often with dysfunction, we are talking not so much about large, obvious blatant actions, but about frequent, but almost imperceptible micro-actions (comments, views and attitudes) that are difficult to stop. “
Don’t blame a bad day on a bad relationship.
Finally, take a break here. You could have had a falling out with your significant other and have reported a “dysfunctional relationship” to Google, and we don’t blame you. A flash of negativity can be truly unsettling to you and make you want to do what’s best for yourself. However, take a step back for a moment.
As mentioned, there are many stressful situations in this world. Be aware of your emotions and be honest with yourself: are external factors to blame for the outbreak or feelings of general dislike? Try talking to your partner about this. Again, they need to be by your side during a crisis, even if the crisis causes one of you to lash out or cause a rift.
“While it is normal for a healthy relationship to experience periodic downturns, dysfunctional relationships are rife with conflicting emotions that can make you feel like you’re walking on eggshell all the time,” House said. “You never know when an emotional eruption might start.”