How to (Finally) Really Get Out of a Relationship
Every relationship is different, as is every breakup. I mean, at one point or another, we all didn’t type in the search bar ” how long can we handle the gap graph “? Unfortunately, there is no mathematical equation for calculating the deadlines for grief recovery (at least according to Oprah Daly ).
The difficulty of getting through a breakup is often associated with a lack of intimacy. Completion is always considered the magic solution for a broken heart. Once you get that done, you can finally move on (at least that’s what you tell yourself to justify reaching out to your ex); So, here are a few steps you can take to chase that elusive closure.
Think of your breakup as death
We’ve written before why it makes sense to end a relationship with all the mourning and grief they deserve. “The process of bridging the gap is akin to grief,” clinical psychologist Dr. Trisha Volanin told NBC News , as you are essentially losing the person who has made up most of your life. As with any death, you need time and space to fully experience the death of a relationship.
It may sound dramatic, but allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief. How you handle will look different from person to person, but the key here is that you indulge your sadness in order to break through to acceptance (read: completion).
Or think of your relationship as a trauma.
“If analogies with death burn you, try thinking of your relationship as a broken leg,” advises Dr. Andrea Liner . The idea is that you should show the same kindness and patience for “emotional trauma” as you do for physical ailments. Again, the advice here is to take the time and attention to acknowledge – and heal – your pain. Some things simply cannot be avoided.
Spend time with yourself
There are many reasons why you need to be alone , and mourning after a relationship is a crucial time to reflect on yourself. As therapist Jeff Gunther expands on a viral Instagram post on closure tips on this TikTok , this may be the best time for you to define who you are as a person. Instead of torturing yourself with endless “what-ifs,” focus on everything you’ve learned from the relationship.
If you are looking for time alone with him, which is not limited to a quiet meditation, try to do 10 things that your partner would not have to do with you . Have fun doing what makes you feel good.
Find Solace in Old Friendships
However, don’t spend too much time alone after the relationship is over. Katie Bogen writes for Vox that one of the most important things you can do after a breakup is connect with old friends. For Bogen, this special relationship had the power to remind her that “there were parts of [her] past that were liberated or perhaps even reinforced by the breakup.” Even if these people are not your primary support system, reconnecting with old friends can be a restorative distraction for you. True isolation comes from within, but some consolation comes only from friends.
Plan things to look forward to
Keep in mind that ending a relationship is not just confirmation, but your ability to move on without your old relationship consuming every waking moment. According to legend, the final stage of grief is acceptance. But anyone who has been defeated knows that grief comes in waves. Sometimes it seems to you that you have moved on, only for a sudden wave to hit you in the face or pull you under the surface. Keep your head above water, focusing on the future. As painful and cliché as it is, trust the ability of time to heal your wounds.
Some tips to help you be more forward-thinking include planning specific activities that bring you joy, such as attending concerts, preparing for a race, or visiting friends out of town. Give yourself things to look forward to.
Final thoughts on closure
Reaching closure is not easy and will not look the same to everyone. As important as it is to reconnect with yourself as a person, remember that you do not need to do this alone. Don’t be afraid to lean on friends or consider if it’s time to find a therapist . And one day, according to All-American Rejects, you will finallymove on .