How to Negotiate With a Child, According to a Negotiation Expert
As every parent knows, kids are negotiators who can identify (and capitalize on) your weaknesses. “Children are great at picking up signals,” said Gaetan Pellerin, a negotiation expert and author of Conscious Denial: At One Point Become More Aware, Beat Your Ego, And Get What They Really Want From Everyone .
Negotiating with children is made even more difficult by your emotional connection and parenting around the clock when there are no interruptions. Even in the best of circumstances, negotiation is a quick and swift high-stress test that can strike at some of your deepest flaws.
As Pellerin writes in his book, “[N] negotiation has nothing to do with rationality. It’s all about emotion. Successful negotiation requires not only intelligence, talent, skill and preparation … it also requires the ability to deal with emotions in real time. ”
When you find yourself negotiating with your child, whether it’s bedtime, homework, class antics, or any of the millions of other questions that come up during the day, it can be hardest to contain your frustration, anger, irritation, or fear. To better control these emotions, Pellerin advises developing mindfulness so that you can better understand your emotions.
Why negotiating with children is so much harder
Unlike at work, where we don’t have that much emotional connection with our employees, parenting is as intense as it gets. We love our children and want the best for them, but this love is associated with many fears and insecurity.
“Raising children and negotiating with them is very emotional,” said Pellerin. “Children are here to explore the world, they are pushed to push boundaries, they need to separate themselves from Mom and Dad, but they don’t want to be alone.”
In short, children want to be independent. But they also want to be loved and accepted for who they are. “As parents, it’s difficult because when they’re one step away from our borders, it feels personal,” Pellerin said.
This is even more difficult when you consider how many of our actions and reactions are unconscious, resulting from some of the ways we educate ourselves. “Unfortunately, we are doing what our parents did to us, what their grandparents did to them,” Pellerin said. “This is the tricky part.”
How to find some objectivity in the midst of the moment
When it comes to negotiating with your child, especially on days when you are tired or your child just keeps doing things despite your repetitive and increasingly desperate commands, it is important to find a way to objectively look at the situation.
There is often a gap between what we might tell the other parent to do and what we do in the heat of a breakdown. To better understand this objectivity, Pellerin developed what he calls the C4U Method, which consists of connection, curiosity, compassion, and change.
Connection
The first step, as Pellerin points out, is to understand why you react this way, which he describes as finding a way to connect with yourself. When something happens and you find yourself reacting in unexpected or sub-optimal ways, think later what you were thinking and why you might have thought that way.
For example, if you find yourself getting upset that your child is simply not listening to you, what was the driving force behind this reaction? Were you upset about your seeming disrespect? Or were you upset about something else that was going on in your life?
Curiosity
The second step is to show curiosity about your emotions. What emotions trigger your reaction? As parents, we have many fears when it comes to our children, some of which are founded and some are not.
For example, if you are upset that your child received a C on a piece of paper, is it because you are afraid it will turn into a pattern? Or is there another reason?
Compassion
Pellerin also advises developing a sense of self-compassion. Being a parent is difficult, and there will always be days when you will react in ways you don’t want to. When this happens, it is important to have enough compassion for yourself so that you can reflect on what is happening. “Am I acting for others?” – said Pellerin. “Or am I behaving the way I was taught?”
There will always be people who will judge your actions as parents. It’s important to find what works for you and your family.
Change
Mindfulness nurturing is a way to understand what you are doing so you can change for the better. “What if I don’t react like that? Is there any other way to react? Pellerin suggests asking yourself.
If your child is not listening to you, it may be because he or she has trouble focusing or is upset about something. If your child gets an A for his job, it may be because he is really bad at school. If you can control your emotions in the heat of the momentary mood, it will open up opportunities for understanding what your child is doing and why, and leave more room for a solution that will work for everyone.