How to Date a Sober Person Without Doing Anything Wrong

It feels like drinking and dating are inextricably linked. First dates often take place in bars, or at least restaurants, where parties can order a cocktail to calm their nerves and help them open up. Some cafes and cinemas even serve alcohol. But as common as drunkenness is, there are many people who choose not to drink. A 2019 Morning Consult poll found that 43% of Americans over the age of 21 don’t even drink.

If you’re outgoing – or drink a lot – going on a date with a sober person, don’t despair. Here are some tips to help make sure everything runs smoothly, just like Shirley Temple.

Don’t think you know why they don’t drink

Let’s put it bluntly: a sober person does not automatically mean that he is recovering or takes 12 steps. Some people dislike the taste of alcohol, others dislike the feeling of being drunk, and others have their own unique reasons. Don’t assume you know the person’s reasoning unless he tells you directly, and you don’t have to.

You can of course ask respectfully, but don’t be persistent if they object.

“You have no idea what made them sober. Some have chosen to be sober for religious reasons, allergies, previous addictions, bad experiences, simple dislike for taste or feeling, or any other reason. Don’t be afraid to ask the reason. You are not asking out of judgment. You ask because a reason might give you more information about who they are, ”said Laurel House, dating expert at eharmony. She added that this is the key to “giving them time” to tell you their reasoning.

Don’t make a big deal out of this

Whatever you do, ignore the fact that they don’t order wine for dinner. There are so many interesting things about this person that you can talk about. And don’t worry endlessly about whether you can drink. Just ask, “Do you mind if I order a beer?”

If they don’t mind, they will let you know. Don’t do this about yourself. Their sobriety has nothing to do with you. You can make your own choices, just like them, and they can be completely at ease if you order a drink, just as you should be at ease with them without ordering it.

Plus, if your drinking was a hindrance to them, you probably wouldn’t date at all.

“Since I sobered up during the quarantine, I met most of my dates on apps or re-communicated with people I knew through social media. I’m pretty open about internet sobriety, so most people find out about it before they even talk to me. This keeps most of the ‘party-goers’, as I call them, away from home, ”explained an art model named Sin, who has been sober for a little over a year.

House is right to point out that dating profiles really do the trick when it comes to attracting good partners and eliminating bad ones, no matter what exactly gets in the way of each person.

“Your profile should not be liked, turned on or intrigued by anyone. In fact, it should turn the wrong people away, ”she said. “You want your profile to appeal to the people you want … You could say that you are sober or that you are looking for someone who” doesn’t need to drink to have fun. ” Yes, some people don’t contact you and don’t answer. And this is great! These are the people you don’t want anyway, so you can get rid of them sooner rather than later. “

In September, Bumble released a “sober badge” to make it easier for teetotalers to identify themselves and thus find more appropriate matches. The Bumble Drink icon, which allows users to indicate whether they drink frequently, in public or never, and now allows them to indicate if they are completely sober, is one of the most used icons.

The company also did a bit of research and emailed its findings, citing 75% of non-drinkers saying so before or during their first date. In addition, 34% of them are ready to date an alcoholic, and 34% will only date sober people.

Then don’t count yourself from the jump. Again, if this were a huge problem for them, they would not be dating you. These data confirm this.

Sin pointed out that while she would rather date someone sober, if she falls in love with someone who drinks in the future, she will not leave him. She acknowledged that it can be challenging to get serious with someone who might store alcohol in their home, especially if the relationship progresses to the point of relocation, but like any other relationship difference, it’s just something to work on and on. to work this way. the right time. The neat freak and the sloppier person must compromise on the overall life situation, and the sober and sober person will do the same. Communication and a mutual willingness to find solutions that work for both people are important.

Remember that it makes you think about what you drink.

Yes, the other person’s sobriety doesn’t concern you, but you may still end up engaging in self-reflection sitting across from the person who talks perfectly normally and opens up without much courage.

“Most people are pretty open about it, but it makes dating uncomfortable for a sober person,” says Shin. “It makes them more aware of their own alcohol and drug use, and most people feel embarrassed about it. I experienced the same thing when I went vegan seven years ago. When they sit at the table on a date and eat meat, they act very strange, even if I never mind it. “

Don’t allow yourself to completely hate yourself or anything like that, but doing a little internal review of how you feel about your own drinking is helpful. Bumble’s data showed that 39% of its users are “soberly curious” or interested in thinking a little more about their own drinking decision. Not only are you wondering if you really want to open a new bottle of wine every night for the rest of your life. You don’t have to instantly get completely sober, but use this date as an opportunity to see what is going on.

Consider the merits of trying this

If you are dating someone who loves baseball but know nothing about the sport, you would probably go to the game with him to see him in his element and learn about his interests, right? Why not try being sober on a date for the same reason?

“Know that dating doesn’t require a drink. You can still be sexy, funny and even more sincere if you’re sober, ”House said. “You don’t need alcohol to be yourself. Some people think that dating is not a date without alcohol, but the date might be even better without it. You can still go to a bar if you want, which is what many people do, because bars are often a beautiful, romantic setting that is conducive to conversation, socializing, and contact. And you don’t have to order coke or soda. You can even go to the bar and have a cool thyme and jalapeno cocktail without alcohol. And the great thing is that you wake up in the morning remembering everything, not feeling sick or feeling drained. “

House and Sean came up with several alcohol-free dating options. Of course, you do not want to over-correct and take sobriety another person with such enthusiasm that eventually you become abusive, but there are many things you can do besides sitting at the bar.

The son said that she started going on first dates in hookahs. House offered to go for a multi-course lunch, snacks, dinner, and dessert at three different locations. It’s exciting and you won’t sit awkwardly in one place long enough to feel like you need to order a drink to keep you in the mood. House also suggested doing art or ceramics, visiting an independent bookstore, or doing something competitive. Heck, try one of these trendy new ax throwing spots.

In the end, it shouldn’t matter much. Be open and honest, but not assertive, and let yourself be surprised at how little the other person’s personal decisions about alcohol affect what is bound to be a great date.

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