How to Tell a Friend That They Hurt You Even If You Are Emotionally Constipated
When one friend hurts another, it can be difficult to talk frankly about it. But some friendships are even less touchy or emotional than “normal” ones — for example, there are friends who don’t hug, which is normal, which makes it especially difficult to talk about feelings. Even if your friendship is not based on deep, feeling-centered conversation, you can still tell your friend that he or she has hurt you and maintain the friendship.
Practice your self affirmations
You likely learned this in elementary school, and it probably sounded a little silly at the time, but “I” messages are a great way to just express your feelings and focus your feelings.
This is what it looks like: “I feel __________ when __________ because __________.”
For example, if your friend is constantly canceling your plans to hang out with someone else and you want to explain that it offended you, you can use the old statement “I” to express your point of view. Say, “I feel unimportant when you cancel our plans at the last minute because it makes me feel like our friendship is not a priority.”
That’s really all there is to it. You state how you feel and why you feel this way. Then your friend will have the opportunity to think about what you said. Maybe your friendship is not a priority for them and they will realize that they need to make it one whole – or end the relationship if they no longer like them or are not eager to make them work for both of you. If your friendship is a priority for them – and of course your feelings as well – they will need to reevaluate the way they show you that it matters.
Focus on the next steps
One variation of the GoodTherapy.org “I” statement includes a fourth clue to fill the gap: “I need __________”.
Telling someone that they hurt you is a big step, but just as important is making it clear what can be done in the future to get rid of what happened. Let’s stick with our existing example script. As soon as you tell a friend that you feel neglected when they cancel plans for you in favor of plans with other people, say, “What I need is consistency and commitment to our plans.”
You can add: “I would appreciate it if you could keep our plans in the future or notify me when you need to cancel them. I also devote time to them, and when you leave me, I end up wasting the time that you allotted. “
What, as they say …
Don’t be too aggressive with guilt
Yes, your friend hurt you, and while you must state it firmly and clearly, you must also remember that this is a relationship that you are trying to improve and maintain. Insulting them, blaming them too aggressively, or approaching it without the desire to engage in open dialogue will not work.
To avoid being overly angry, give yourself time to cool off before speaking. Make sure you organize your thoughts, do a little self-assessment of your feelings, and feel comfortable in your position. Be open to listen to them.
Yes, and don’t forget to test yourself. Be honest if any of your actions (or omissions) might have influenced the fight or anything else that hurt you. You can get hurt and you are not entirely right. Both options are possible. Don’t shy away from responsibility if you share some of it.
Don’t fight over and over again
Even the best self-affirmations can go awry. You may be open to dialogue and are working hard to keep this conversation honest, but there is no guarantee that your friend will be receptive. If they are overly defensive, insulting you, or rejecting your honest explanation of their feelings, resist the urge to continue the second round of the existing struggle.
Get away from it. To make your mental health a priority and maintain friendships, if you want to, you sometimes need to give up the fight. Your responsibility was to share what hurts you and what you need in the future. Once you do that, the other person will answer it, so don’t worry about it. You have done what you had to do, and you may feel good about expressing your thoughts honestly and fairly.