How to Get Someone to Tell You Their Secrets, According to an Investigative Journalist
There is nothing wrong with being a little curious. You don’t want to be called a gossip , but you can still have a healthy interest in what is happening in other people’s lives – if you can earn their trust (and keep it). Whether you want people to open up to you to deepen your personal relationship, or is a must for your job, there are some tips to keep in mind.
Start a conversation without asking for openness
For this practical guide, we turned to a journalist who is known for getting people to disclose sensitive inside information. Out of respect for past sources and interest in developing future ones, he asked for anonymity, but gave some great advice.
“Ask them something personal about yourself,” he said, telling them to get to know someone better and let them talk about themselves before you insist on anything more serious. Let’s say you’re on a date with someone and want to know why their last relationship ended. This is not a question that you want to lead with. You would ask more general questions first, wouldn’t you?
No one gets too deep into a relationship with someone they don’t feel comfortable with yet. They need to share the little things first – and you need to share your little things too. Ask questions about their lives, interests, and goals, and then tell them about yours. Openness is a personal and unique human element. If you act like a gossip-loving robot, you’re not going anywhere.
At the same time, the journalist also noted that it is important not to interrupt someone when it starts spilling. Don’t contrast everything they say with their similar stories, and don’t constantly insert questions or comments. Whatever your ultimate goal, this conversation is about giving them (and the information they hold that you want to know) a central place.
Be empathetic and responsive
“Always express sympathy,” said the journalist. Remember the basics of that interpersonal lesson you learned in college: Communication is not only about receiving messages, but also about providing feedback.
If you are speaking in person, look him in the eye. If you are on a phone call, make sure you signal that you are listening, even with a few “mm-hmm”. Disclosure of confidential information is already inconvenient, but disclosing it to someone who does not give any answer at the moment is simply creepy.
Imagine that you and a friend had a fight over a misunderstanding. You want them to tell you what they really think about what happened. If they open up their souls to you, but you don’t nod, answer, or show that you understand where they are coming from, they will repel strongly. They may think that you are still angry, that you don’t like their explanation, or that you don’t care even if it’s not true. You must give in order to receive in life and in fellowship.
Even if your job requires people to talk openly about complex topics – say, you work in the HR department or in the billing department of a hospital – you don’t need to remain completely buttoned up and professional while curious. If someone tells you why they can’t pay their bills on time and the story is sad, tell them you understand. “Always show sympathy” is just good advice.
Be patient with the person
“Let them take their time, especially if it’s a delicate topic,” the journalist advised. If you rush with someone or ask them questions too immodestly, you will create the impression that you do not care about the weight of the information or the consequences they might face when they open up to you. If someone tells you about a past trauma or current struggle, it can be very difficult for them to reveal these secrets to you. Respect this. If they feel like they don’t want to continue, give it up – at least for a while. You’ll be more likely to get more information later if you don’t scare them with impatience and impersonality early on.
“Give them space and some time,” our reporter said. “Let them tell their story.”
If the information you are looking for is a deeply classified secret, it can be difficult to reveal, especially if it is based on some kind of trauma. Do not cause that person even more traumatized just because you are curious.
After all, be human : kind, gentle and reliable. It can take a while to prove that you can be trusted, so don’t expect dates, new friends, coworkers, or even people you have known for a long time to open up until they are convinced that you are decent and reliable.
And once you get them open, don’t betray their trust. Keep their secrets. If something is confidential, keep it a secret. If it’s off the record, don’t do it. You will get a bad reputation if you break someone’s trust and may never get it back.