Difference Between Emotional Labor and Mental Stress and How to Discuss Both With Your Partner

It’s almost Labor Day, a holiday that the US Department of Labor describes as “an annual celebration of the social and economic achievements of American workers.” Whether you take this statement at face value or consider the day off to be a government scam , it’s a good idea to take the opportunity to consider all the work people do, for which there is no pay and that goes largely unnoticed. : invisible labor.

Invisible labor is often understood to mean all the household chores that a family member does to keep it running while the partner and / or the rest of their family is blissfully unaware of the tasks that need to be done. (Or maybe they know but don’t care – that’s a different issue altogether.)

But this is not the only kind of invisible labor: there is also emotional labor and mental stress . Although these terms are often used interchangeably, there are some differences between them. Here’s what you need to know about the difference between emotional work and mental workload and how to discuss both types with your partner.

What is emotional labor?

When sociologist Dr. Arlie Hochschild first introduced the concept of emotional labor in 1983, it referred to “regulating or managing emotional expressions in relationships with others as part of my professional work role,” according to Penn State’s Weld Lab .

But since then, that definition has expanded significantly beyond the workplace to include personal relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners. For example, is there someone in your life who always comes to you with their problems or just complains, but never has the time or interest to do the same for you? In this situation, you are doing emotional work.

What is mental stress?

Mental stress, on the other hand, involves much more: basically, all the invisible and intangible tasks required for housekeeping are explained in a post on Healthline .

So it may never occur to your partner that he should wash the laundry occasionally, but he can see / smell / smell his recently cleaned clothes, so they need to have an idea that something is going to happen in order to they appeared.

Physical washing is one of the invisible types of labor. But all thoughts and planning, including remembering to wash first, is a mental burden. Healthline’s post provides a long list of other examples.

How to talk to your partner about emotional and mental work

Regardless of what type of invisible work you come across (and maybe all of them), you shouldn’t be doing it alone. But for a number of reasons, having such a conversation with a partner is not easy.

Or maybe you’ve tried to bring this up in the past and your partner objects either, “I said I’m happy to help if you just tell me what to do,” or “But I do X, Y, and Z every day! ”(In case it’s unclear, figuring out what to do and then assigning tasks to someone is a kind of mental stress in itself.)

Anyway, here are some tips on how to approach this question shared with Healthline by Dr. Melissa Estavillo , a licensed Phoenix-based psychologist who specializes in counseling couples :

  • Use “I” statements to shape the situation in terms of your own feelings and experiences, rather than “you” statements that can make your partner feel accused of something (and then disconnect or become defensive).
  • Let your partner know in advance that you want to talk. Set aside time for discussion and find a place where it will not be distracting.
  • Mention that you know that your partner is committed to equality in your relationship and proceed from that. To do this, you can say something like, “I know that you value equal contributions to our relationship, and I think you may not realize that I have more responsibilities that go unnoticed.”

The conversation can happen several times for it to take hold, and in some cases, the person’s partner may simply not want to give up their privileged position in the relationship (in which case, another conversation must take place). But if you think that your partner came from a good place and is sincerely unaware of the scale of your work, his attention (in good form) can help.

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