How to Support Your Partner in the Event of a Parent’s Death
Losing a parent is as close to a universal experience as possible, but that doesn’t mean any of us are truly prepared. When this happens to your significant other, you may not know how to help her grieve and cope, but this is one of your responsibilities as a partner. Here’s how to get close to a partner whose parent has died.
Know that grief looks different every day
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 defined the “stages” of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The phrase “grief is not linear” is also common in self-help books. Taken together, you can expect all of this to lead to a confusing period of time with your partner going through these stages, sometimes multiple times a day.
Know that whatever they do and however they react, it’s okay. There is no single pattern for grief, and their reaction to the death of their parents can be influenced by a number of factors, not all of which are known to you. Their childhood relationship with that parent, their existing relationship, their mode of death, and their mental state can all play a role.
Even if their grief seems different from how you would express yours, don’t discredit it. Wake up every day ready to welcome them where they are and support them unconditionally. Anne Sano, a 25-year-old New Yorker whose mother died when she was 13, said: “I still don’t know how to deal with this. I’m joking that it’s probably uncomfortable for people, but this is my way of healing. ”
If your partner takes an approach that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable, maybe he is joking or seems distant, remember that there is no wrong way to grieve, and your job is to come to terms with it and be there if it is seemingly unaffected behavior. will stop.
Conversely, if your partner is in the “angry” phase, try not to envy him if he attacks you. If they are in the “depressed” phase, be understanding and do not try to force them to return to normal life. The norm they are used to is gone, and they need to learn to navigate life without that parent, no matter what kind of relationship they had, and that takes a lot of time.
Expect your partner to be sidelined for a while, too. Sano told Lifehacker that her mother’s death created a “void” that made her refuse help from anyone, including would-be boyfriends. She added that she is now in a happy relationship, but it took a while.
It all boils down to the fact that you need to be willing to grow with them, and you need to understand. Tell them that you are struggling to understand and know that they are having a hard time. Make it clear, over and over again, that you are by their side and that you are together on this journey.
Patience is most important
Sano said her top advice to anyone helping a partner cope with the death of a parent is to “be patient.”
“Patience is literally the key to being close to the grieving person,” she added. “Sometimes I just want to sit in the car for hours and cry in silence. Sometimes my anxiety takes over. Sometimes I get jealous when I see others with their moms. All I can say is, “Be patient with us.” We went through hell and came back. We may need a second, minute, hour or day, but we will bounce back, so please be patient and understand that we are only human and we do not want to be rude, silent, sad, angry, or anything else. how we feel. “
Listen to your partner
Your partner may be completely silent about their dead parents, or they may bring them up frequently. It might seem like death is all they are talking about now. If so, that’s okay. Try not to let yourself get tired of the topic; your partner is in pain and wants you to listen. Remember that one day you too will find yourself in this position and want someone to listen to you.
“It’s hard to say how a partner can be supportive because it’s not always easy to understand what kind of support a person needs when they are grieving,” warned Meegan McGoldrick, 30-year-old New Yorker who lost both parents and who founded the annual Cancer Benefit Concert . love cannot kill ” in their honor. “Grief is not linear, which makes the support process just as difficult. But the best way a partner can be there – or at least what works for me and my partner – is to start with listening and feeling. Listen to your partner when he’s having a tough day, or even when he just wants to tell a 40-minute story about his loved one that has nothing to do with anything. “
If they show an interest in counseling or say something that is disturbing in your head, don’t dismiss them. This is a very difficult time and they may not think clearly. You have to take on an extra layer of rationality for a while.
Let them cry too. It may seem natural to jump in and try to get them out of it, but letting them feel and express even their saddest emotions is vital to their healing. Don’t look at every emotional outburst as something that needs to be stopped. Of course, if they are crying, bring them ice cream or hug, but do not twist your best efforts to stop the expression. They need to let it out.
There are times when they don’t tell you how they feel. You need to ask. Ask them how they are doing and what they need, both right after death and on days that can be especially difficult, such as the first family holiday without parents or a parent’s birthday. Some people find it difficult to ask for what they need, so make it a little easier by reminding them that you are ready to help them.
Get involved in work
After a parent dies, your partner is likely to stop being himself. Dishes can accumulate. Messages may remain unanswered. Show that you are by their side by intervening and making some of the work easier. Clean, cook and bring them food and act as a barrier between them and well-meaning but aggressive people.
They will receive many messages and phone calls. Retelling a story to people at different levels of familiarity or using a ready-made façade is tedious, so step in when you can if they seem open to it. You can be an ardent advocate for them, making sure not to get clichés of platitudes and curious questions, and the house remains untouched, while they devote the time they usually spend on upkeep, grief, funeral and healing.
“Feel for signs that they may not need advice or“ things will get easier. ” Over time, it will become easier to know when they just need an ear and when they need you to stay in another room while they move. Drinking doesn’t hurt sometimes, ”McGoldrick advised.
The grief does not stop even after the funeral flowers and casseroles stop rolling out. It will be hard for a long time and the pain will never go away. As a partner to the bereaved, you will always be in some way on duty, so prepare yourself for the long haul.
“Having my boyfriend now on anniversaries, birthdays, or just on bad days in general is a big help because we’re doing things to keep my head busy,” Sano said. “We definitely go to my mother on these special days. It warms my heart when he says goodbye to my mother’s stone and kisses it. I think it gives me a sense of relief and happiness knowing that he loves her as much as he loves me. The days when it gets messy, he and I use these days second by second, because my emptiness still gives me panic attacks, and now he just helps me talk me out of everything I’m going through at this moment. “
Admit Your Own Grief
Each family situation is different, but it’s reasonable to assume that you, too, have been close to that parent and are feeling your own grief. Don’t ignore this sadness, even if it might seem like your partner’s sadness is more relevant and deserves immediate attention. Your pain matters, too, and if you push yourself away from it, you will struggle to heal and you will not be as good a partner as you could.
Talk to your partner about the dead parent if they seem open to it. Share your fond memories, perhaps of the first meeting or of the moment when you learned that a parent approves of you as a partner for their child. Tell them stories about a parent they may not even know, moments you and the parent shared without them in the room. You can walk this healing path together. Don’t discredit your own feelings here.
If you need to cry, whether it’s because of a loss or because someone you love is upset, then cry. Being open and honest about your feelings is a better way to honor the memory of the deceased than to let their death tear your life apart. You have to be strong to help their child, so do the right thing with them, doing it the best you can.