Stop Saying These 15 Things to Pregnant FFS
At some point during pregnancy, usually as soon as you start showing, simple acquaintances and passers-by begin to tell pregnant people some kind of inappropriate crap. Although many of these comments have become so commonplace that most people consider them harmless, after further investigation with myriad previously pregnant women, we came to this formal, factual conclusion: people really need to stop talking this nonsense.
Well-intentioned or not, these seemingly “innocent” questions and comments can cause swollen ankles in a person taking hormones. Let’s remove the following pregnancy-related comments from our public vocabulary, shall we?
You look tired.
Oh isn’t it? It is interesting! I wonder if it’s an upset stomach, anxiety, heavy snoring, or the fact that I have a whole person doing a back flip in my baby house at midnight. Do you think this – or the fact that I cannot sleep on my back because I can crush the vein that carries blood to my heart? HM interesting.
Was it planned?
Well, if you should know, Susan , this was the result of reckless unprotected bathroom fornication after you swallowed too many White Claws at a Def Leppard concert. Is this what you want to know? Okay, then, probably don’t ask about the thought process (or lack thereof) that created this damn miracle that you see in front of you today. It’s personal.
It looks awkward
Wow! How observant you are. Is your middle name Sherlock? Have you ever won any medals or international competitions for your high level research skills? PS The FBI called. He wants his intern back.
You’re so big!
Because every pregnant woman trying to get used to her new, stretching, itchy, one-sided body needs to hear that they are huge. Any comments about the size or shape of the pregnant woman’s body are 100% prohibited. Enough said.
You are so tiny!
While this may seem like a compliment at first glance, stay away. Parents-to-be have many new fears and anxieties. They don’t need another question about whether their baby is reaching growth stages for his gestational age or is “too young.”
Are they twins? (Are you sure? They’re not always right, you know)
Ha ha ha! This joke that my big belly must have two tiny people (because how else can it grow to such a huge size?), Accompanied by a second, more successful joke that although blood tests and ultrasounds have confirmed that it is just one fruit, you’re still sure the doctors made a mistake – it’s fun. Slow applause for originality.
You look like labor could start any minute / You look ready to explode
Why thank you, kind stranger from the dairy aisle at Target, for noticing that I am the size of a log cabin and you cannot imagine how I could get even bigger. As we share invasive observations, you look like you are late for your upper lip electrolysis.
Is it decaffeinated?
Have you just tried to teach pregnant women what they can put into their bodies during pregnancy? Especially if it’s something as harmless as a cup of coffee? We’ve been researching this, okay Martha? We know the limits and enjoy them. We have already given up alcohol, sushi, soft cheese, cold cuts and salad in bags. Don’t drink our cup of Joe (less than 100 mg caffeine)! We beg.
Will you give birth naturally?
Or will you be given a highly toxic epidural? Do you really want to feed your newborn ?!
At least that is how the question might sound. If a close friend asks if you plan on taking pain relievers during labor, that’s one thing. But people you barely know should avoid curiosity about this personal topic because they are either 1) silently judging your choices at birth or 2) going to upload unwanted advice and stories about their experiences – both of which suck …
Rubbing the belly of a pregnant woman is good luck (and I need all the luck I can get)
And behind them – are my eyes deceiving me? – a complete stranger helping himself into the middle of your body. Apply a few creepy strokes to him without permission for their benefit. It’s like you’re some kind of sideshow shaman who isn’t bothered by unwanted touching. Note to the World: The bodies of pregnant women are not in the public domain. Hands off.
You must eat your placenta
Okay, I mean, maybe I should? I’m ready to explore the anecdotal benefits and make an informed decision, but can you please tell me about the delicious shakes and juices you made from powder from one of your seared body parts while we wait at the dentist’s office? K, thanks.
I probably shouldn’t tell you this while you’re pregnant …
No, don’t. Especially if you plan on following this discovery to tell a terrible story about how: “If someone had a gun, I would ask them to shoot me,” during your childbirth without medication, or how you limped for a week after how they sewed up this third … the extent of the gap.
Are you planning to breastfeed?
If you are not a breastfeeding consultant and are not going to offer a veritable treasure trove of neatly used bottles, nipples, nursing bras, unexpired formula and / or a $ 400 retail breast pump, why would you want to know? Because it seems like you want to know so you can judge how a parent chose to feed their child. Do you know what every mother doesn’t need more? Mom disgraces! (Even before she had a baby. Damn.)
Wow brave!
This is one of those nonsensical compliments that you might not have realized at first – it’s a shadow. (Who doesn’t want to be brave?) But the implication is that by adding extra children to your brood, you are taking on a daunting task that requires a lot of courage. He said in a different way: why do you have another child? Aren’t your hands busy already? (Yes, Donna, of course. But I love suffering, okay? Don’t forget your business.)
So … are you done?
It sounds like you are either inquiring about my family planning strategy to move forward or not to dig so finely into the number of children a person has. Anyway, please don’t.
So what should you tell a pregnant woman?
“You look great!” “How can I help?” “When can I save meals that I can freeze to reheat later?” “Do you need a good housekeeper?” and “Babysitting my niece. Here is her number! “All fantastic alternatives.