Should I Break up With My Annoying (but Longtime) Friend?
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If you would like my advice, email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)
Today we are tackling a problematic friendship that seems more antagonistic than constant love. How do you put limits on a long-term relationship that suddenly stops being so beautiful?
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with this in mind. If you have any problems with what I am saying, please file a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Dear Sam, I hope you can help me with the predicament I am in. I had a very close group of friends that I met in college 20 years ago. We all split over time between the east and west coasts, but remained very close. Two of these friends now live very close to my wife and me with their families in a relatively small town. The problem I am in is that one of these friends has always managed to make me angry and upset over the years. He is a very self-centered person who has something to say, to the point where I often wonder if he is provoking me. I have found that over time, our opinions and ways of dealing with various situations have changed dramatically in the opposite direction. However, I am often portrayed as a 19-year-old guy he met in college and who is not allowed to have a different opinion without making fun of him.
To be honest, I don’t like spending time with him, and even then for many years. This tendency of his was adapted by his wife, and as a result, my wife shares the same disappointments that I do. We find that they can compete with both us and our children, and they seem to enjoy teasing and screaming in our friendship without having the ability to be happy for us. Which, in turn, prevents us from being happy for them. Needless to say, intense discontent arose. This is what our mutual friends feel, but we all don’t understand how to deal with them. Both my wife and I agree that we could benefit from our space from them. However, they live in the same city with us, we have one circle of friends, and our children are very close. We also love our neighborhood and school district very much.
Can you put in the space you need without breaking a two-year-old friendship? Thanks for any advice you might have. I would very much like to preserve this friendship and not abandon it. But I don’t know how to achieve this.
Sincerely,
Annoyed friend
Dear annoyed friend,
Friendship always depends on the character and quirks of the people involved, that is, relationships change frequently. From what I understand, you have been close with this person for a long time, which means that you have a common history that can be difficult to untangle from your life today. There is a deeply rooted idea of who you are to your friend (and an idea of who he is to you), and since it contains negative ideas, it means that there is probably a gentle and reverent side as well.
But if someone cannot be happy for you and your wife (as you put it), it also means that something unhealthy is deeply rooted in the dynamics of your relationship. To me, it sounds like your friend and his wife might be insecure. Why would they compete with you when you are all adults, living your life and apparently just trying your best? Jealous people tend to be competitive. You and your buddy may have grown up competitive, but if you’ve grown out of this dynamic and he hasn’t, it indicates some jealousy on his part.
You can show empathy and ask what’s wrong if you think it might lead to a productive conversation. But it looks like you’ve known this guy for a long time and understand the limits of your relationship. With that in mind, why not just limit the heck of this relationship? Establish an emotional block not only for him, but also for you. Life is too short to have shitty friends. Why wait thinking that they can be cool, not too annoying or hostile, only to be disappointed over and over again?
In fact, you don’t need to text or call this person unless you have a good reason to do so. Maybe mute some of your group chats with them if that bothers you. And since you have mutual friends, understanding what situations you can tolerate while in that person’s company will be key. They are good in groups, but not good for one-on-one? It’s okay if your kids are close, but there is no need to be friends with your child’s best friends. Think back when you were a child: were your parents close to all of your friend’s parents? Probably no.
I understand that you are in close proximity, but that does not mean that you need to be with them all the time, or even part of your time. The decision is entirely up to you, and you don’t need to look at anyone else in this dynamic. Ultimately, this is something that is very important for you to know – you can set the terms of this friendship, and you can do it in subtle ways. There is no need to take them aside and say, “This is how it is now”; Given the entire history of relationships between you guys and all of your mutual friends, it looks like a complete breakup can be a little dramatic. But you have to decide what you need to do in order to achieve a healthy distance, and then stick to the plan.
Sometimes friends naturally subconsciously disagree; in this case, you are just doing it deliberately.