How to Please a Child

If you are like me, then you have deliberately made the decision to avoid all people under the age of 25. However, sometimes you get stuck in a room with a tiny baby who just wants to cry and drool and who can feel that your biggest fear is they poop on you.

Fortunately, we are smart adults and can easily outsmart a stupid child to please us. After all, babies literally don’t know anything , and we know a thing or two, so let’s make them smile, giggle, and love us unconditionally.

First, let them recognize your face. Infants recognize contrast easily, so wear thick-rimmed glasses (or better yet, sunglasses) to help them know who you are. If you can, growing a beard will also help them recognize your face. While we’re on the subject of contrast, wear clothes they’ll appreciate: black and white for babies and bright primary colors for toddlers. They also like anything that rattles or makes noise, so add jingle jewelry that can be easily ripped off and let it shake.

Then, bring some items that will make you fun. An empty box is a great and safe thing to play with, which for some inexplicable reason doesn’t bring us adults any pleasure. If there is a friendly dog ‚Äč‚Äčnearby, bring him in and let the child chase or pet their fur, just make sure they don’t hurt each other. You can also park them in front of the mirror so they think they have another kid to play with (Wow! Babies are dumb!). This will work until the baby is 18 months old.

And if all else fails, just play hide and seek. So they will be happy and will not cry until they poop. By then, you should be able to quickly leave.

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