How Can I Strengthen My Relationship With Older Children?
This is a parenting advice column in which we tackle your most pressing parenting dilemmas, one tantrum at a time. Send your parenting questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parenting Advice” in the subject line.
When our children are young, it can seem like they will stay young forever. But the ultimate goal is to raise happy, healthy, balanced young people who leave to live their own lives, often leaving their parents at a loss: “So what now?” As long as they still live under our roof, we hope that spending time together will be easy and fun. But once they leave, what should the new relationship structure look like?
Making this transition can be especially difficult if you don’t have a solid model of what a healthy parent, adult, and child relationship with your own parents looks like. One dad writes in Parental Advisory :
My son graduated from college in May 2020 and lives with his mom (my ex-wife) across town from me (it’s a small town). He doesn’t stay with me – he used to spend every weekend with me, but I would find it odd to have a visiting schedule for an adult like a kid. So my first question is, how can I maintain a positive adult father-son relationship with him so that it doesn’t turn into a “my son-my friend” (no) or “uncle-dad” relationship. Also, FWIW, my dad died when I was young and my relationship with my mom has always been lousy, so I really have nothing to model it on. So part of the question is, what does this relationship look like?
On the second question, my other son is in his freshman year at college in another state. We were close when he lived at home because we spent time together and could communicate. None of us talk right away on the phone – it takes time to warm up the conversation, and joint activities used to be warm-up time in the meantime (plus, you can discuss a lot of things while sitting in the car without looking at each other.). How can I maintain the same level of relationship and communication if we are both talking on the phone “how are you? / Good”?
I want to start by saying that I think it’s great that you are thinking about how to transform your relationship with children from a parent / child relationship to an adult / adult relationship. The dynamics have certainly changed, which is inevitable for all of us parents; you don’t “educate” them anymore, but you still want to be a good father to them, and that’s half the battle.
Since my son is only 10 years old and have no experience in this transition, I turned to Dr. Sam Goldstein , assistant clinical instructor in the Department of Psychiatry, University of Utah School of Medicine (with school experience). psychology, child development and neuropsychology) for his thoughts. He says that you first need to start by examining your expectations of your relationship with your children, and then accept that they will determine how that relationship will function in the future.
How to define relationships with your older children
“He cannot define the basis for their relationship; it has to come from the kids, ”says Goldstein, co-author of Persistence in Children: Raising the Seven Instincts for Lifetime Success . “He can make himself available and he can be supportive … but he needs to understand that his children are now adults and they will make decisions about the nature of the relationship – what they talk about, how much they discuss things. how often they talk and how often they see each other. “
However, this does not mean that you cannot have reasonable expectations of what your future relationship will look like, nor can you voice those hopes and expectations to your sons. It seems that the dynamics of your relationship with each young person is different, so the depth with which you communicate, or the frequency with which you see them, may be different for everyone, and that’s okay.
With a son who is in college, Goldstein says weekly calls to Zoom can make sense, so you have time to find out how he is doing at school, what he and his friends have been doing, and what’s new home with you. It may seem awkward at first – all Zoom calls – but regularity (without being forced) can help you get into a comfortable rhythm. You can even choose a time of the week to watch your favorite show together, to simulate the “hang out side-by-side” mode that has worked well for both of you in the past and takes the stress out of constant conversation.
With a son who is local, you could pursue a hobby that both of you enjoy, whether it’s playing golf, or going to the latest movie, or even meeting for a weekly breakfast at your favorite diner. Embedding some structure or repeating the time you spend together can mimic the old visiting schedule without feeling compelled.
At the same time, if they are busy (and they most likely are), it is important to understand and not push them to communicate more than they are – if you have a strong relationship, they will come to you when they need you. … In addition, according to Goldstein, your job right now – and from now on – is to practice what he calls the “three Ps.”
Pride, Patience and Perseverance
Goldstein has two biological children and three stepsons he helped raise, and he says his relationship with each of them and the regularity with which he communicates with or sees each of them are different. And that’s okay – as long as you express your pride, you are patient and persevering.
“He should be proud of his children’s achievements and let them know about it,” he says. “He has to be patient when they negotiate the transition into adulthood. And he has to be persistent – not a pain in the neck, but persistent – [reassuring them] that “I want to have a relationship with you.”
In other words, be a stone. Support them and keep showing up when they invite you (and invite them yourself). Over time, the dynamics of your relationship will improve by itself.
Do you have a parental dilemma? Submit your question to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with the topic Parental Advice and we’ll get you the answers – straight from the experts.