How to Separate Your Identity From Your Behavior (and Why You Should)
In an ideal world, it would be easy to separate our mistakes from our personality, but in reality it is rarely an easy task. Everyone’s life is rife with erroneous judgments, but it is very important not to let mistakes define your life or undermine your self-confidence. Each mistake can be a learning moment if you approach it with the right intentions: that is, forgive yourself and look for ways to understand those you may have hurt or disappointed.
Don’t let your mistakes define you
It is important to understand the difference between behavior and identity. While the two are inextricably linked in many ways, one is not always a symptom of the other. The relationship between behavior and identity is a separate area of study in which religious sects debate whether it is possible to separate sin from sinner at all, and scholars who have studied the relationship between expressed feelings of self and behavioral oddities since the 1930s.
However, just as people can be successful in their failures , it is also true that learning from their mistakes – or at least being aware of it when you are at fault – helps others to love you.
The confession “sets a model for what you would like your partner or coworkers to do,” says Lifehacker Dr. Paulette Sherman , psychologist, author of The Sacred Baths and host of The Psychologist of Love podcast. “It makes you accountable and trustworthy … if you create a safe space to be honest about your mistakes, then hopefully others will feel comfortable as well.”
This is obviously easier said than done. Admitting guilt for many people, especially those who are usually hard on themselves, is an insult to their personality. In clinical circles, this term is known as “cognitive dissonance.” Social psychologist Carol Tavris explained how the New York Times works in 2017:
Cognitive dissonance is what we feel when self-esteem – I am smart, I am kind, I am convinced that this belief is correct – threatens with evidence that we did something stupid, that we did something that hurt another person that his faith is not true.
When it seems like your self-image is being torn apart by someone close to you, it can be devastating. But it is rarely, if ever, the intention of the person affected by your mistake.
Separating identity from behavior is a learning process
An exercise that’s easy enough to do: Think of it as talking to your child. As Sherman points out, you should never explain to your child that they are inherently bad (or shy , picky , stubborn , bossy, or whiny ), only that their behavior might be wrong.
Sometimes resistance to criticism is rooted in some kind of childhood trauma that can be compounded and absorbed by adults. “At the heart of [resistance to criticism] may be the fear of [the person] getting fired or their partner not going to love him if he’s not perfect,” Sherman says. “So guilt and lies for inaction eat them up, and things cannot flourish when there is no basis for trust.”
In truth, we need to learn to calm ourselves down. “The Higher Self in us knows that we are loved and are here to learn and grow. If we take a softer voice, it will lead to more expansion and move us in a better direction, ”says Sherman.
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Another important difference that can help you unravel criticism from your ego is understanding the difference between guilt and shame. Of course, no one should try to make you feel guilty, but having a bad attitude about your specific actions is a great motivating force. As Licensed Clinical Social Worker Justin Lioi told Lifehacker:
Guilt can motivate us to see what we did that was harmful and help us not to do it again. Shame takes us down a long rabbit hole, making us think we are doing harm because we are naturally bad people. It doesn’t give us the energy to change, but it gives us the ability to defend ourselves and hide this part of ourselves.
Your actions only indicate your true nature if you express a strong reluctance to change course or have no remorse for any damage you may repeatedly cause. Fortunately, the vast majority of people are not like that.