How Did You Know That You Had Children?
If you have been to this place for a while, you probably know that I am the parent of a 10 year old child who is my only child . But the path to parenting one child turned out to be longer and more tortuous than one might think. The question of whether to have more children (and how) tormented me and my husband for several years. I was reminded of this inner struggle recently when I came across this question in the Care and Feeding column of Slate :
My husband and I are at a crossroads when it comes to our second child. We have an adorable, funny, sweet two year old, and my husband is very happy with the way things are and doesn’t really want to go back to Baby Land. And I don’t know if I want to go back there! I have had difficult postpartum periods, both physically and emotionally. However, my midwife tells me that the physical part is unlikely to happen again and I feel more prepared for the emotional part. But we are also worried about the cost of two children in kindergarten. And we have a good rhythm now as we take turns looking after our son so that we both have free time – and who knows if we would have had such a luxury together? I feel so close to coming to terms with the decision to stop at one … but I always thought we were going to have two and it’s hard to give up on that vision. Aside from all my complications after the birth of my son, I loved the days of the tiny baby and would love to enjoy it again without pain. All adults I know who were just children have two or more children – which makes me think they know a thing or two that I don’t know about the experience of being one! It worries me that my son is lonely or that he has no one to understand his childhood.
This question reflects a lot of my experience, from the initial vision of a family with at least two children, then finding an easy solution with only one, to the fear that my son might be missing out on something crucial. if he didn’t have a brother or sister. There were times in his childhood when I was completely content as a family of three, and there were times when I felt an emptiness that only the presence of another child could fill.
I also know parents who always thought they would have exactly two children, but suddenly felt compelled to think about having a third (or fourth) in a way they never imagined. I think that parents commonplace is thinking about this question from all sides, the search for an external confirmation that change course – it is normal to be afraid that you may later regret any decision that you make, and even feel the need to ask a stranger … Internet: How Do I Know If I Have Really Done Having Children?
(You can read Michelle Herman’s answer to this question here , but it basically boils down to what it should boil down to, which is, “You have to have a second child if you want a second child, which is what you and your partner needs to decide together, and if you decide not to do this, it’s okay. “)
Knowing how difficult this decision was for me – and how easy it sometimes seems to others – made me wonder how others came to the conclusion, “Aha, we’re done!” Of course, all of this assumes that the choice is yours and yours alone. Sometimes life intervenes and decides it for you, which I thought ultimately happened in my case.
I wrote about our journey as foster parents who intended to adopt a child through child welfare if circumstances led us to do so – although they ultimately did not do so after two internships over two years. Our foster family license expired, and we tried to have another biological child. Two miscarriages later, even when my friends told me to keep going so as not to lose faith that this would happen to us, I knew I was done. We could have kept trying, but for the first time in more than seven years of being a parent, I looked around and said, “Yeah, we all ended up here. It’s the wrap of the Wahlbert family. ”I know it sounds painful – and it did – but at that moment I felt better because the decision was finally made.
I’m interested in each family’s journey to completion, so if you feel this inclined, share yours with us in the comments. Did you always know you want two kids, and that’s exactly what you had? Did the twins take you by surprise so that you decided, at least by the number of pregnancies , that you alone did? You thought you only wanted one and ended up choosing the third one (or vice versa)? Were you and your partner always on the same page, or did you have to decide whose preferences would win in the end? You wanted more children, but experienced secondary infertility that made it impossible?
How did you know that you have run out of children, or how are you trying to figure it out right now?