How Do I Deal With My Conspiracy Theorized Parents?
If in the past few years you have managed to escape without meeting a loved one who is mired in misinformation or misinformation , consider yourself one of the lucky few. Most of us do have a relative who is lost in the world of online conspiracy theories or carried away by a maelstrom of ridiculous “information” not even remotely based on science or fact. If it’s a second cousin you haven’t seen since that family wedding five years ago, come on. But if this is your parent , you’ve probably been driving on a rough road.
One such disappointed reader wrote this dilemma in Parental Advisory:
I had a phone call with my mom, which was a frustrating cliche when one elderly parent repeated the misinformation they read on the Internet. Whenever this happens, I have an inner battle trying to decide which information is relatively harmless and which topics I really need to go through a headache trying to explain. (In this case, I decided to fight the general misinformation about COVID, but it happens so often that it seems like the battle with what she read on Facebook has been lost.) My mom was a nurse, so I expect her to know better. on medical issues, but times have changed and neither of my parents have a particularly high media literacy suitable for 2021. I feel like I am raising my parents and it is especially difficult for me to choose my battles. Any guidance?
Recognizing that you have to choose your battles here is a good start, but it doesn’t solve the problem of when you can’t win the battles you choose. So I turned to clinical psychologist Dr. Janine Dominguez for advice.
Know your goals when fighting disinformation
We must first acknowledge that just because we disagree with someone does not necessarily mean that they are wrong. If you are on one end of the political spectrum and they are on the other, you may hold deeply rooted, fundamentally different opinions about how you think society should act – and yet they still boil down to opinions, and not facts .
“Unfortunately, COVID and politics have merged, so I think it’s becoming difficult to define exactly what the purpose [in these conversations] is,” says Dominguez. “I’m just making sure they know what’s authoritative on the Internet, not, ‘This is my political position and what I think about COVID and what you just told me is ridiculous.’
If it’s a major political difference and you’ve already had these conversations ad nauseam – and they always end up in an argument or insult – it’s probably time to give it up if you want to continue your relationship with them. People are not entirely open to fresh perspectives these days.
But if your goal is truly to help them better identify reputable media sources through facts and scientific reports, there is a way forward.
Stop trying to teach them media literacy
Your every instinct is screaming to teach your parents how to increase their media literacy, especially with your mom, as it deals with certain medical aspects of COVID, which you point out are an area in which she has professional experience. But you also say that you feel like you are “raising your parents,” which sounds to me like you are desperately trying to teach them these questions. I understand it is not only frustrating, but probably a little intimidating that someone who has worked as a nurse is spreading the obvious medical misinformation she gleaned on Facebook. But this instinctive reaction must be fought.
My son is only 10 years old, so I am far from the experience of an adult son who would correct me in what I read in the “news” (especially in relation to the profession to which I have devoted my career). But I suppose it would not be particularly effective for him to try to do it in such a blatant way. By the time he is your age, and I am your mother, I will have many more years of life experience behind me than he did, and I know I am reading, thank you very much. (The exception is anything related to technology; I hope it will one day help me navigate my TV.)
Instead, Dominguez suggests, you need to talk . And that conversation should involve sharing information, not just what you tell her where to go for facts. Ask her to send you the articles she read; you can thank her for sharing this with you and say that you read the same topic and came to a different conclusion and you would like to share this with her too. You can then discuss why the two points of view are so different and any additional work you put in to try and verify the information.
“When it comes to this kind of discussion around information and news, I think it’s more open if you want to see the other person’s point of view,” she says. “And so you reveal it to them, I hope they see your point of view as well.”
It may be helpful to approach your parents with a keen interest in what they have heard or read, rather than see it as a reeducation mission.
Will this work? Eh, that probably won’t bring them back into your completely fact-based reality, but it can help them begin to better understand how “facts” can be presented in different ways, thus honing their critical thinking skills. At the very least, you will provide them with the best information you can — they decide for themselves whether or not they allow that information to get inside.
When you are faced with a battle that you decide not to choose (a pretty harmless lie and half-truth when it comes to these kinds of things), I keep curious again, and then I walk out of the conversation: “Really? Ha, this is different from what I’ve read, but I know we tend to read different publications. Oh, by the way, the other day I read this wonderful profile about the author you love … “
Do you have a parental dilemma? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.