Is My Daughter Too Obsessed With Her Best Friend?
Sure, you will never forget your first love, but in reality, you will never forget your first best friend. The pleasure that comes with someone outside of your family that you can trust, giggle, and conspire with may seem too good to be true when you first discover it is possible. But at what point does a young friendship turn from a healthy part of growing up to a presence that engulfs the rest of the family? One reader writes the following question in Parental Advisory:
For the past few months, my wife and I have been struggling with my 9-year-old daughter’s relationship with her best friend who lives nearby. Since the beginning of the pandemic, both girls have been distance learning, although they go to different schools (last year they met at a nearby playground). In some ways, it was great for both of them to have a friend next to them to play with when they were so cut off from their peers, but lately we’ve been having trouble setting healthy boundaries in their relationship. In short, it looks like the friendship is getting a little … obsessive.
Now my daughter’s entire day revolves around meeting a friend – once school is over, they both want to be together, and daily (literally) games in the park usually last 3 hours. On the one hand, it’s great to go outside, which we want anyway, but we feel like we are losing control of when we go out and what we do because all that matters to my daughter is her friend. Often, when we come home, she immediately asks to sit down at the computer to virtually continue the date, and gets angry when we say no. Rinse and repeat. When we encourage her to see other friends (for example, in a face-to-face meeting with other children from school), she wants that friend to come. ETC.
I know that very close friendships are normal for kids of this age and girls actually seem to have a really healthy dynamic, but I feel like at 9 years old, family should come first for a child, and we seem to be , quickly approaching the point. where she appreciates the time spent with her friend more (lately, when we return home from the park, we have no time to do anything but eat and start going to bed).
How can we best communicate to our child that we understand how important this relationship is to him, but that all relationships also require separation – and that family should always be the most important thing right now?
As a parent of a child who would probably play with his friends all day, every day if he could (coming home only occasionally for food and water), I can understand this. I really feel like you rock because it’s great that she has a friend! to But this is too much! and back throughout your question. It sounds like this to me – and stay with me here – it’s great that she has a friend, but the way that started to control the whole family got too big.
Considering that all children are different (and I’m the type of person who has a few good friends that he jumps between, and not one trip or death), I was not sure how often it happens that a child of your daughter’s age holds on to one friend. So I turned to Dr. Sarah Levin Allen , pediatric neuropsychologist and CEO of Brain Behavior Bridge , to ask her opinion. But “obsession,” as you call it, is not something that catches her eye in your question.
Allen read two things in your question: 1) a child who just wants to do what he wants to do (oh, hello, all kids ), and 2) a parent who maybe a little – or a lot – doing it too. largely because of how much you value her happiness or want to avoid backlash when she is ultimately denied the right to challenge. This is a pattern she has seen in families for years, long before the pandemic, Allen says – the desire of parents to protect their children’s feelings to the point where healthy boundaries begin to break down. And this is a phenomenon that can now become even more aggravated, given the sacrifices that our children had to make last year.
“Families go to this extreme when they do what their child wants that they lose themselves,” says Allen. “First of all, I doubt this family has time to do what they want . And you also teach your child that you get whatever you want or need, and life is not like that. ”
So you asked, “How can we best communicate to our child that we understand how important this relationship is to him, but that all relationships also require separation – and that family should always be the most important thing right now?” And my answer is yes! Just. This is how you start this conversation.
You can sit down with the whole family and have a family values meeting. Discuss what each person values individually and what you value together as a family. This is a chance to create a family team structure in your home where everyone’s voice is heard and everyone’s priorities are valued, including yours.
“If this friendship is important to this young girl, then the family will support her,” Allen says, “but not at the expense of everyone else in the family. There is a balance, and [finding that balance] is a skill to be learned. “
Even if you value family relationships and prioritize family time together, you may need to work on raising her. Because our children are so dependent on us and love us, we can assume that they understand why relationships are so important to development. But your daughter is at an age where friendship is becoming more important and plays a bigger role in her life than before, and this is perhaps what she is focusing on right now.
“Hopefully this is a little girl who hasn’t really experienced anything to shake her family core, which is great,” says Allen, who also runs the Facebook moms community . “It may not even have occurred to her why family should matter, because she was always there. So raising [the value of the family] and talking about it is a great thing. “
Allen has a saying that can relate to you as it does to me, namely, conflict breeds change. The conflict for your daughter right now is that you know that you are sad because you want to spend more time with the whole family (and she loves you and wants to spend time with you too), but she also wants to see her friend. Well, we all have competing priorities and conflicts like this – adults are just more adept at balancing them.
“Think of a life lesson for this brain about how to find a balance between what she values in her life,” says Allen.
I will end by saying that the dynamics of girls’ friendship are also likely to improve on their own over time. At some point, her friend may decide that she wants to play more with other children, and while it may be difficult for your daughter, it will also be a rewarding experience for her. So all you really have to do is set those boundaries and then let their relationship unfold.
Is there a parenting dilemma you are struggling with? Send your questions to mwalbert@lifehacker.com with “Parental Advice” in the subject line.