How to Seek Love After Losing Hope?
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If you’d like to be tagged, email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)
Today we’re discussing what to do when it seems like you can’t take a break from dating. How do you keep walking when you feel like all hope is lost, especially when others seem to find it easily?
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with this in mind. If you have any problems with what I am saying, please file a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Dear Sam,
I am 32 years old and have no luck and no goodbye. I tried on and off for 4 years, getting absolutely nothing and nowhere.
I tried online dating all three months, then deleted it, no one talks. I got about one match and they never answered. I seem to have been changing and tweaking my profile all day long.
I have friends who are not socially good for me, but they can attract women and date – they will have new girls every week. Part of my problem is that I have very little contact with women and cannot make an appointment to try to get better. I’ve been in many interest groups, and they were either old people or guys in the same position as me. I do not know what to do.
Any help is appreciated,
Beyond the frustrated black nerd
Dear Beyond Frustrated Black Nerd,
You are in a difficult place, so my condolences to you. Often, when we play on the pitch, we crave immediate feedback. For most people, this rarely happens, no matter how charming, witty, or beautiful they are. Dating is an annoying and potentially heartbreaking process. There’s a reason “dating sucks” is a pretty common refrain, reflected in many books and podcasts .
With this in mind, know that this is not necessarily “your problem.” However, the problem may lie in the way you present yourself, especially on online dating profiles. Making human connections with other single people is more art than science, but I believe that creating the right profile on a dating app really comes down to a clear scientific formula. Are you using grainy, low-res photos or selfies from four years ago? Does your profile reveal who you really are? Are you well versed in the subtle art of trapping thirst ?
The annoying part of flipping through Hinge or Tinder is that it actually takes a pretty decent amount of effort to create a profile that can attract potential partners. I’ve never come across your profiles (obviously), so I don’t know if you took the time to create a page that sells you the way you deserve it. You said you “spent days changing and customizing” your page, so you might already know that.
If so, give it more time! Three months is nothing in the grand scheme of finding a partner. I know this can seem like a tedious undertaking, especially since your dating apps are always there and ask you to swipe your screen in anxious way. Try to limit your use. Give yourself a day or two a week to swipe your finger across the screen and take your mind off the addictive app cravings for the rest of the week. It can be easy to get hung up on this, especially after a year of quarantine and isolation, so try not to let this dominate your headspace.
As for your friends who you say go out on dates, to hell with them. Relationships are highly subjective, and just because you think they’re successful doesn’t mean they have something that you don’t. And while I believe this is true, it is much more important that you believe it. There is no secret recipe they use; it could very well have been just the luck of the rally. At the same time, you can ask some of them how they met these dates. There is no shame in that, and if your friends are successful with a certain strategy, it might work for you.
And one more tip: try not to stress! Thirty-two is a pretty young age, and by this age you have the gift of not being quite the dumbass you probably were at 25. You are more mature emotionally and you know what you want. Be true to yourself and keep making efforts because it is obviously important to you. In the end, it will pay off – not because fate dictates that “there is someone for everyone,” but because you care and do your best.
That’s it for this week, but there is still a lot of Tough Love to come. If you would like to be mentioned, please contact me with a description of your dilemmas in an email to my address ( please include “TIP” or “HARD LOVE” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove . For serious inquiries only: do not email or email me if you do not want your name to appear in this column. Disclaimer : I can’t answer everyone, so be sure to include the specific issue in your post. I will not respond to generalizations such as “rude” or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is bothering you. Take care of yourself until next time!