How to Start Dating in a New City During a Pandemic?
Not all advice needs to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve honest honesty on the part of a dude who has nothing but a computer and a conscience. Lucky for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If you’d like to be tagged, email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)
Today we are discussing a common problem for single people experiencing isolation from the pandemic: how to start dating when you are disconnected from the rest of the world? Especially if you live in a new city?
Note: I am a reviewer, not a therapist or certified healthcare professional. My advice should be interpreted with this in mind. If you have any problems with what I am saying, please file a complaint here. Now let’s get started.
Dear Sam,
Synopsis: 67, an old, long-divorced man seeking love and hopefully marriage in an unfamiliar city during a pandemic, after being “forced into retirement” while at LOA to care for his dying mother.
My job as a defense systems engineer has been living at various foreign military bases for the past 10 years. Thus, I have no “roots” or friends anywhere. In October 2020, I returned to the United States to take care of my mother. She left. My LOA expired and I reluctantly “chose” to retire. I am now in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan. I don’t know anyone in society and I know a lot about the city.
As this situation developed rapidly, I had not yet thought about where and when to retire. I have good finances, I have a very good apartment, I have doctors, I have a “trainer”, I have an amazing Belgian Shepherd Dog (which I brought from abroad after he contracted canine PTSD). Also found a local church with a virtual community. I’m ready to move, but I’ve already set the basics here.
I’ve tried Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, but there aren’t many women in my age group.
How do I start dating in this situation?
Any ideas are greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
New in the city
Dear newbie,
Your first paragraph signals to me that you recently went through a rather personal test that says nothing about the psychological strain that isolation has put on us over the past year and has changed. But, despite the complex difficulties that you face, I want to assure you: you are doing everything right.
I understand that the gradual process of building life gradually can seem cumbersome and even useless. When you’re struggling to assert yourself – especially after living abroad for so many years – you may feel like progress is especially lacking when you watch the clock ticking next week, spent mostly indoors. From what you have outlined here, you told me what you are giving. You have dedicated your career to what you believe to be righteous, and although this has been your calling for decades, you interrupted it to help your mother when she was in you. You also brought in a special needs dog. You understand what it means to be selfless – a quality that can and will make someone very happy.
Consider how you can channel this dedication into forming new relationships with others. You understand the basics of reaching out to your community, but how can you expand that? You may already be attending regular zooms or virtual hangouts with your church group, but fellowship is a completely different matter. Joining a group is a positive first step, but you also need to make an effort to build personal relationships with the people in these groups. Moreover, your pursuit of friendship and potential courtship doesn’t have to start and end with the church. Have you been to your local dog park? There are probably other local dog owner meetings, so if you’ve been vaccinated (or activities are held safely outdoors) and provided your dog can handle it, this can be another great way to meet people, including with potential romantic partners.
I would not recommend moving again. Building the “foundations” as you described them takes work, and you’ve already laid a solid foundation on which to build something stronger. When it comes to building your social network, let your instincts guide you. This may sound simple, but think about what you enjoy doing . If you were to join, say, a bowling league (after being vaccinated and admitted), you are much more likely to make friends and possibly meet a potential mate if both of you are genuinely interested in the activity, rather than just using it as a way to connect. … If bowling is not for you, then the general rule applies to anything that piques your interest. Do you love baseball? Join the league! Do you like to watch birds? Join the group! Start with your hobbies and use them to build connections.
When it comes to more targeted ways to find a romantic partner, there are tons of resources for people in your position. You’ve tried two dating sites, but there are many more, with a much better track record of matching couples in your age group . However, you can start dating more easily by following your gut and doing the things that make you happy, as long as you only really know what it will look like. The more you focus on what brings you satisfaction, the more likely you are to find someone who is compatible with you. It is a matter of gradually thinning the social herd, allowing this selfless, caring behavior to manifest itself all the time.
That’s all for this week, but there is still a lot of Tough Love to come. If you would like to be mentioned, please contact me with a description of your dilemmas in an email to my address ( please include “TIP” or “HARD LOVE” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove . For serious inquiries only: do not email or email me if you do not want your name to appear in this column. Disclaimer : I can’t answer everyone, so be sure to include the specific issue in your post. I will not respond to generalizations such as “rude” or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is bothering you. Take care of yourself until next time!