How to Safely Explore Your Violent Sexual Fantasies

For a large segment of the population (including 62% of women ), power-exchange role-playing games appear in our sexual fantasies. These power-swapping fantasies – also known as “rape fantasies” – can cause shame and confusion, make discussion of them taboo, and virtually prevent learning about them. But the reasons for our carnal desires are often not as simple as we think, and the exploration of fantasy should not be ashamed.

Rape is defined as “illegal sexual activity and, as a rule, sexual intercourse committed forcibly or under threat of injury against the will of a person or with a person who has not reached a certain age or is incapable of valid consent due to mental illness, mental retardation, intoxication, unconsciousness … , or deception “. And while none of this should elicit sexual vibes, many find pleasure in the safe and planned fantasy of switching power with another adult by consent, which is certainly not rape at all. Here are some things to consider when deciding when and how to explore your own energy exchange fantasy.

Why power fantasies?

Lifehacker spoke to board-certified social worker and clinical sex therapist Lisa Thomas about why so many of us crave power fantasies and how we can role-play in safe, consensual ways.

“Women don’t want to be raped, but there are several consistent themes that better explain why people have this fantasy,” she explains, noting that people are often attracted to her for three reasons: giving up and giving in. desire, using it as a way to determine how much their partners feel for them, and increasing the level of trust in the relationship.

She also explained that for the vast majority of women, avoiding sexual accusations is an important factor in role play. This theory argues that some women cope with feelings of guilt or shame about sexual activity by fantasizing about being “forced” to do things they don’t want to do, which removes sexual responsibility from their shoulders. For some who have been attacked, role playing is also a way to engage in their own systematic desensitization and to confront their trauma more productively.

How to role-play safely

There is no shame in having a power fantasy – or at least it shouldn’t be – but taking action on that fantasy should include some knowledge of how to role-play to make sure it is a safe, consistent and positive experience.

Use a BDSM checklist

The BDSM community is probably familiar with the BDSM checklist that helps your partner understand your sexual history and find out what kind of sexual experience you are willing to have. If you’re new to this type of sex play, check out the rationale behind these lists and how they can help clear up ambiguity about your limitations and expectations. Your preferences can be perfectly organized in a table and are a great starting point to discuss them with your partner.

For example, you may have aversion to using rope due to past negative experiences with this material. The checklist is incredibly detailed when it comes to specific restrictions, so you can point out that while you are good with metal or leather, you are uncomfortable with the rope. Depending on the lists you use, they are usually categorized from “hard limiting” to “love,” allowing you to immerse yourself in an open discussion about tolerance with your partner. When addressing BDSM, it is important to detail your preferences; The checklist leaves little wiggle room.

Talking to 42-year-old James A. about using the checklist, he advised: “With the partners I have been with specifically for playing BDSM, we are all very clear about what we like and what our soft and hard limits are. I have used the checklist options on some occasions, but overall I have found clear and honest communication to work well with my partners. ”

In contrast, 33-year-old Crystal R. stated: “I am forcing everyone to sign a non-disclosure agreement and complete a complete checklist before we participate in any games. This is important for my safety and the safety of those with whom I communicate. It may sound like a lot, but I’m not going to give up caution when it comes to my future. “

Be mindful of your surroundings

The setting is a detail that beginners often overlook, but essential to enjoyment. Setting can include lighting, smells, clothing, temperature, and more, so think carefully about what you want to associate with this experience and choose your location accordingly. You may prefer to stay in a hotel or your partner’s home over your own, or you may prefer a familiar space of your own. Whichever you choose, focus on making yourself feel safe and comfortable.

“The setting is so important,” says Maria G., 31, when asked how the setting has influenced her past RPG experience. “I dated a woman who wore this super floral perfume that reminded me of my grandmother, and after we really started learning the playful game, I had to ask her to stop using it. She put her panties in my mouth, and visions of my nana came to my mind. It was traumatic! After that, it took me a while to comprehend the script again, but after a couple of times I relaxed. “

Set your limits

The duration of the fantasy may change, but Thomas suggests setting a flexible time limit for the experience so that it isn’t too overwhelming physically or psychologically. If you have an explosion, you can throw the allotted time outside the door, but be sure to renegotiate the terms before proceeding. It is often nice to know the duration and frequency of your play; if you decide that this should be a one-off event, you can clearly indicate this preference.

“My boyfriend had a naughty teacher who whipped him with the ruler, and the first couple of times it was fun, but then I got bored and I started to feel somehow,” says Adam D., 41, about how to communicate with your own partner. “I sat him down and we decided we would only do it a couple of times a year. It’s not weird anymore, and I need to change my character to [better] fit my desires. “

Sometimes restrictions also speak of a partner’s need for variety. “Nobody wants to dress up as a naughty nurse every Friday night,” says 33-year-old Nicole F. “You have to put a time limit on this shit.”

Create a follow-up program

If you’ve never participated in rehab, it’s time to get started. Follow-up does not mean that the standard asks, “Did you come?” or “do you want some water?” – but a more direct, thoughtful and focused approach to the “drop” that people often experience after the endorphins begin to disappear (which, incidentally, can persist for several days after the end of the game). After engaging in physically and emotionally exhausting sex play, it is very important to communicate with both yourself and your partners.

One of my favorite suggestions from the BDSM community is putting together a grooming kit for your man, which can include personalized soothing items for you and your partner to eat, drink, or hug.

“I always take snacks and Gatorade Zero with me,” says 54-year-old Bree S. “It seems weird when I say this, but sex is tiring and I reach into my bag for a delicious drink, and the muesli bar makes my partners feel that they care about him. “

And while some may worry about over-planning destroying fantasy, you can rest easy: planning does not take away the pleasure of sex. Instead, it makes sure everyone is having a good time, no one feels offended, and helps to get the trauma and shame out of what should be a natural and safe fantasy experience.

And while we’re focused on enhancing our natural and safe fantasies, we can start rebranding as well. Thomas suggests starting by calling this a “power-swap fantasy” rather than a “rape fantasy,” focusing on mutual concessions to power rather than reflecting one of the worst things that can happen to a person. If we can begin to shift the narrative towards a coherent fantasy that we realize together, our sex play will build trust as we get the experience we want. The goal here is to share your desires with those whom you trust and value, and who trust and value you in return. And if you throw it into an orgasm? Perfection.

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