How to Support Your Transgender Child

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If your child is recognized as trans to you, the first thing you should do as a parent is what you hopefully did throughout his childhood – express your love and support for them and for who they are. However, figuring out what that love and support looks and sounds like can be confusing for some parents.

So, I spoke to Dr. Diane Chen , child psychologist and director of behavioral health at the Adolescent and Young Adult Family Medicine Unit at Lurie Children’s Hospital in Chicago, about how parents can best support their transgender children.

Initial conversation

If your child tells you that he is trans, the best answer you can give him is to first thank him for sharing this with you and express your love for who he is, regardless of his gender identity. …

“The most important part is to show the child that they are loved by who they are now, [and] who they will be in five or ten years,” says Chen. “Convey this sequence of love and support … so that support is not tied to the individual.”

She says that parents often regret their reactions during the first conversation, because while some parents have long suspected that their child is trans, many other parents are surprised by this information. And this surprise may prompt them to say something like, “Are you sure?” or “It seems like it came out of nowhere,” or “Maybe it’s just a phase.” If so, Chen says it’s never too late to correct the course and sit down with the baby again.

When you have done so, confirm your initial surprise, as well as the courage it must have taken for them to start this conversation with you. Apologize for not knowing how best to support them during this time and start over. One of the worst things a parent can do (besides, of course, outright rejection) is to pretend the conversation never happened, or wait for the child to talk about it again.

“Teens will say, ‘Well, I tried to tell my parents a few times, and here are some of the ways I tried to do it,” says Chen. “Things didn’t always go according to plan, but then they [parents] never came back. Therefore, I always urge parents, if they feel they have missed that boat, come back and talk to their child. “

Follow their lead

Transgender children will want or need different things depending on their age, developmental stage and personality. So if you don’t know exactly how to support them, start by simply following their example. Chen says that for a child who looks transgender and generally looks happy – without noticeable academic, social, emotional or behavioral changes – just supporting him and letting him be who he is may be enough for now. If, instead, they struggle in any of these areas, there may be other interventions that would be beneficial to them.

“We don’t want to push the child into a social transition if he is not ready for it or does not want to, because that in itself can cause stress,” she says. “I think it would be helpful for parents to talk to their children about the opportunities that are available to them.”

So if a child who was assigned a girl at birth tells his parents that he is a boy, the parent can respond by saying something like, “Okay, what does this mean to you?” with additional questions about whether they are happy with the name they are using now and whether they are still comfortable with her / her pronouns, or if they would like to start using other pronouns.

Parents can talk with their children about what changes they would like to make at home rather than at school, or with extended family or friends – these conversations can help parents figure out what kind of transition support their child is looking for.

Depending on the child’s age and developmental stage, medical interventions may be required that can also help prevent gender dysphoria, Chen said. You should talk to healthcare providers about options that may start early in puberty.

If your child did not come out to you

Some parents may suspect that their child is transgender based on clues they saw as a child, or perhaps because they experimented with different types of gender expression, but the parent may not be sure if (or how) to address this. problem with them. … Chen says that what parents should do depends in part on the particular child.

“I think parents know their children,” she says. “Do you have a more inhibited, shy temperament child who may not be as assertive when he comes to you? Or do you have a kid who … usually says whatever is on his mind? “

Even in the eight years since Chen began working in the field, she says, she has seen the rise of a variety of books for children of all ages, featuring characters with different gender identities and expressions that can help in these conversations. But there is also a balance that parents should try to find here.

“You want your child to know that it is safe to explore and play with gender in a comfortable way, but you don’t want to pressure the child to figure out what their gender identity is,” she says. “I think this is an important point to remember – that a child exhibits expansive or gender-diverse behavior does not necessarily mean that he or she is transgender or ultimately identifies as trans. So I think it’s also important to give kids the opportunity to explore without trying to fit the kids into boxes. “

Additional Resources

Everything we’ve discussed here is really just the beginning of your family journey, and chances are good that you will need solid resources and support in the future. Here are some organizations and books to help you get started:

Finally, it is a good idea to ask around and find a local support group to connect with other parents in your area and give your child the opportunity to meet other gender-diverse or transgender youth. You can start by finding a PFLAG branch near you .

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